Can you help me word tricky conversation with in laws?

[AdamantEve]

About a month ago my in laws announced they had put a deposit down on a (UK based) holiday for next year for themselves and my two DC. They acknowledged they should have asked first but didn’t really explain why they hadn’t.
They have never had the DC overnight never mind for a week and find them tiring and hard to keep up with when they have them for a few hours. They are in their early 70s and youngest DC is 6. Ultimately, I don’t want the children to go as I have never been away from them for a week and wouldn’t let them go away with my own mum for a week either so although I have a lot of concerns about in laws being able to look after them, it isn’t solely down to that, I just want my children with me!
I am sure lots of people will say I should just let them go but it’s already making me feel stressed and I just want to let them know it’s not going to happen.
When they told me I was on the spot and didn’t really say anything apart from ‘oh, have you?’ I do regret not shutting it down there and then! DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....
I’ll be seeing them tomorrow. Please help me phrase this so I offend them as little as possible.

The children have stayed overnight with their friends and with Rainbows and Beavers. I’m not averse to them being away from me at all. Just not for a week yet!

If they had booked a two or three night trip I would have been fine with it, why they had to do 7 days I don’t know. In fact I might suggest they make it a long weekend instead and see if they can do that as a compromise then hopefully everyone can be happy.

I had exactly the same issue with my in laws when my children were younger, my husband agreed with me that they were too young and that his parents wouldn't cope and he too was scared to tell them, until I suggested that he went along to ensure their safety and that was non negotiable either he goes with them or he tells his parents they wouldn't be going. I had a lovely week visiting friends, catching up on my TV programmes he endured a wet week in a caravan in North Wales, this was a one off trip, I definitely think he learned his lesson.

I wouldn't offer a suggestion of a shorter time, the issue is that they just did it and told you when and where your children will be going without asking. If they want to suggest maybe taking them for a shorter weekend after this conversation then great, go for it. But I wouldn't be offering them any alternative suggestions when their behaviour in the first place hasn't been particularly brilliant. At least if they said 'ok well can we take them for a weekend somewhere' they're actually asking your permission!

@coffeeeandtv this would 100% be my ideal solution! Due to various circumstances DP wouldn’t be able to get the time off work, but if he could it would resolve all my concerns. I’m pleased to hear you’ve not had a repeated request from your PIL.

Why don't you and DP go for a weekend/long weekend with them. Stay somewhere different and take the opportunity for a break with each other. That way you are on hand if they really struggle, you can take them home at the end of the weekend and your PiL get them for a couple of days.

For peace of mind seeing as the holiday is in the UK, could you not pay them a fleeting visit half way through.

Or could you and your DH book yourselves into a nice hotel somewhere very close by for the week?

God, no! 

Oops sorry, just popping it in the mix

Fuck no!

Of course the only reason they booked it without asking was so you couldn’t say no.

The fact that they live in a one bedroom retirement flat does make them sound old.

Sorry you have a DH problem

I think the suggestion to shorten the holiday is by far the best route. They still get to have the trip without it being unreasonably long. Could I ask whether it’s one of those holiday resort type holidays? If so they might find it easier if they are booking the kids into clubs all day long rather than actually taking them places which is obviously tiring for anyone (early seventies or not).

I wouldn’t be pussy footing about. I would be quite open with them. Hey FiL/MIL I have been thinking about the holiday you have booked and I am at a loss as to why you went ahead and did that without discussing it with me and DH first especially as you have never had my DC overnight? Then leave it with them to explain themselves

I agree that you could potentially suggest they have the children for the last half of the holiday. You and DP could stay in a nice hotel in the same part of the country. I would do the last weekend so PIL can't claim the kids are loving it and keep them all week. It's a nice compromise if your only issue is that the PIL might find it hard work and the kids aren't used to it.

@Velveteenfruitbowl they’ve booked a holiday cottage in a small village so the onus will be on them to provide entertainment for the children, something like Haven or similar would have been a million times easier for them as at least there would have been things on site to do. I would struggle to fill a week with my own children in the place they are staying and I don’t know about everyone else’s children but mine are less than delightful once they are bored, which is precisely 30 seconds after any given activity ends...

Our DD (5) was taken away this summer for 5 days with my MIL. Longest time away from us. She absolutely LOVED it. Like, so much. And to see an hear her joy I would put myself through missing her again.

No way they should have booked before speaking with you however it's next year and perhaps you could use some holidays for them to have a few days staying with your in laws so that everyone gets their confidence.

They might not be able to do it for much longer as they edge towards their 80's.

@Bourbonbiccy definitely appreciate the suggestion, just I would possibly explode if I had to leave them unsupervised in my house for too long, they have a habit of somehow destroying everything they touch when they visit!

@LadyGAgain see that’s what I keep thinking, MAYBE they would have a fab time and I don’t want them to miss out because of me. But they would be so far away really and if they ended up not having a fab time, it would be tricky to get them back. Also PIL probably wouldn’t admit it wasn’t going well so we wouldn’t know until the week was up. My gut instinct says that 2 - 3 nights is enough really. Which I’d have said to them at the start had they only asked first!

Suggest 3 nights as a compromise?

Op I feel really sorry for the them. How utterly bizzare and what if you already had plans, play dates ets.

I'd let them down really gently, as pp suggest.. Try and think of another way they can see the gc that's more suitable for them the dc and you.
The buck does stop with you and they are your responsibility, esp if your dh doesn't have a great relationship with his dp that he can't be honest with them.

However we see time and time again dp who behave like this, exactly like this and then seem to have cowed sons who can't say no to them.

Dp as in your dh dp. Your pils.

Adam, trust its the huge issue I have with my in laws.
They have lied time and time again. And my dh can't say boo to them.

Just. Say. No. Simple.

I’d say no to the holiday, in any of the ways suggested above.

If you’re nicer than me, you could suggest they rearrange for a Friday to Sunday weekend away with the children, with you and DH dropping off and collecting the children (and the two of you having a weekend in a nice boutiquey hotel fairly nearby)

They failed to ask, so they don't get. Say no.

Good grief this thread is suffering from a serious lack of vipers

Normally I'd agree a dp problem but op doesn't sound much better.

They TELL you when they're having YOUR children??! No.no no no no!

Honestly if I could no I'd send both you AND do on a week's assertiveness course asap!

DO NOT apologise, offer a shorter break, and DEFINITELY don't offer to cover the deposit.

"I'm sure pil it might have seemed a good idea at the time but really ANY plans involving mine and dps children must be run by us first before any firm plans are decided upon. This is not something we can agree to for the sake of the children mainly as they're nowhere near ready to be away from us for that long, particularly with you as you've not even ever had them for more than a few hours. We are also deeply uncomfortable at the idea of them being so far away from us for that length of time. We hope you enjoy the holiday very much but the children will not be going with you."

Don't justify, argue, defend or otherwise explain.

Wtf were they thinking ?! And the holiday they've chosen isn't even remotely suitable for children that age! Were they seriously expecting to keep them satisfied with what board games and walks!? Clueless!

My parents are in their 70s and my now ex in laws are just worked out ex fil is 90 this year and mil will be 88 early next year. And even they know better than this! My mum has a running joke that when she wins the lottery (she's played every week since it started and never won more than a tenner ) that she's gonna take all the grandkids to disney and universal studios etc for a fortnight and make them show her how to play 'video games' really well so she can play online and trounce other teenagers, she also says if she wins the lottery after they're 21 she's going to take them to Vegas too clubbing and gambling she reckons she can do a "grannys six" (instead of oceans 11) and teach them all how to clean up at blackjack!
Yes she's more than a bit nuts but point is she knows a famous five holiday minus the adventure of bad guys would go down like a lead weight!

As parents a key part of your job is to advocate for your children and to be perfectly honest it doesn't sound like you're doing that very well with your pil. It's going to get harder as they get older and particularly during the teen phase when they generally don't want to see grandparents at all and it becomes a duty to them to some degree, so you need to start now as you mean to go on.

I'd be nipping that nonsense of them telling you when they're having the dc in the holidays in the bud too. They need to be much more aware of the boundaries that you SHOULD have in place.

I think you had a good idea in asking if they would make it a long weekend instead. or mon'tue/wed. That might be less stressful for them and the children as holiday places can be far busier at weekends with day trippers ext. You could put it to them that if the children could stay for three nights they could enjoy the time on their own for the rest of the week. Or you and dh could offer to join them for a night before you take the children away? This might work if the kids have one or two one night sleep overs to prepare them.