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Original poster

Can you help me word tricky conversation with in laws?

133 replies

AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 14:51

About a month ago my in laws announced they had put a deposit down on a (UK based) holiday for next year for themselves and my two DC. They acknowledged they should have asked first but didn’t really explain why they hadn’t.
They have never had the DC overnight never mind for a week and find them tiring and hard to keep up with when they have them for a few hours. They are in their early 70s and youngest DC is 6. Ultimately, I don’t want the children to go as I have never been away from them for a week and wouldn’t let them go away with my own mum for a week either so although I have a lot of concerns about in laws being able to look after them, it isn’t solely down to that, I just want my children with me!
I am sure lots of people will say I should just let them go but it’s already making me feel stressed and I just want to let them know it’s not going to happen.
When they told me I was on the spot and didn’t really say anything apart from ‘oh, have you?’ I do regret not shutting it down there and then! DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....
I’ll be seeing them tomorrow. Please help me phrase this so I offend them as little as possible.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 11/10/2019 15:35

I wouldn't repay the deposit. That was a risk that in-laws took when making the booking and presenting it as a fait accompli. OP should not be out of pocket because of their stupidity.

Lllot5 · 11/10/2019 15:36

Perhaps the kids would like to go? I agree they should have asked first, but maybe just maybe they could go?
How old are they? You could let them stay over with them as a trial run beforehand?

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:37

@BertrandRussell I have definitely considered this. The oldest is 8 but quite a homebody so I think would probably struggle being away for a week but is a people pleaser so would say that they’d like to go if asked. The youngest isn’t keen because FIL lost his temper last time they went out and it caused a lot of upset so a week of that sounds like no fun for anyone.
I would have been ok with a weekend but a whole week is just too much for PIL, the kids and myself.

OP posts:

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Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:40

The children can’t stay at their house as a test run as they live in a one bed retirement flat and there’s no space for them unfortunately which is probably why they are keen to take them away.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 11/10/2019 15:40

“ I’ve had time to think about the holiday you’re planning and I’m sorry but I’m going to say no as they’re too young, a handful and they haven’t slept over with you before, thanks though, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time, fancy a sherry? “

That’s all you need to do OP.

msmith501 · 11/10/2019 15:40

You do realise that DP will come out of this as the poor boy who's had to knuckle under and go along with your hard line and you'll come out looking like Cruella de Ville wanting a new coat. He needs to absolutely promise you that he has got your back and will be there as a real partner alongside you. Make him repeat the right words to use as in my experience you might be left feeling that you've been hung out to dry. It's unfortunate that as a result of your PIL's desire to performance grandparent, you may end up looking unreasonable when in fact the opposite is true and you need to stick to your guns. Good luck with your DP!

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 15:45

DP agreed with my stance initially but when I asked today if he’d discussed with his parents yet, he said “what am i supposed to say? That AdamantEve thinks you’re too old?”
Then when I queried why he’d changed his tune he said he only agreed with me initially to “shut me up”. So him having my back on this one is a no go I’m afraid. I’ll definitely be the bad guy.

OP posts:
ControversialFerret · 11/10/2019 15:46

Don't offer up any additional detail. Keep it short and clear.

DP and I have discussed this and it's not a good idea as the children are too young to be away from home for that long. We thought it best to let you know now so that you have time to change your booking.

Respond to any questions with "DP and I have decided" and make it clear it's a joint decision.

Tell your DP that you are going to do this and that if he does not back you up, there will be a big problem coming his way.

NoSauce · 11/10/2019 15:47

How old are the dc? Would you consider the older one(s) going?

CannonCaboodle · 11/10/2019 16:01

Some ridiculous suggestions on this thread.

No, OP should not have to repay the deposit. Booking a week long holiday for children who are NOT YOURS without asking the parents is not a normal thing to do. PIL should have thought about this before they paid.

No, OP does not have to do a trial run with her kids at PIL for a weekend first. OP doesn't want them going and it's entirely understandable.

Sending one DC is also unreasonable - OP has said herself first DC prefers home over being apart from parents.

Ideally yes, DP should have spoken up, but if he's not, I would speak up myself. You're a grown woman, OP, you can do it!

"Norma, Graham, it was so nice of you to book this holiday, but we really wish you spoke with us beforehand about it. You know that DCs have never been away from us for that length of time and we've decided that it's just too early for them to go on holiday without us. I hope you're not too upset but you know they're hard work too! You guys should enjoy a wonderful holiday together."

SpaceDinosaur · 11/10/2019 16:03

Hi ILs

I've been thinking about what you said yesterday when you mentioned your booking a holiday. It's a lovely idea and VERY generous of you both but I'm really worried. You've never had the children for a single night let alone a full week. You've acknowledged how tiring you find them, I mean, we do too so it's not a judgement on you! DH and I are concerned that your wonderful idea isn't going to be as amazing you imagine it.

So. Could we work up to a holiday? Would you like them both overnight next weekend so you can all start to get acquainted with the idea of your being in some charge for increasing periods?

Then we'll do a whole weekend.... a few days in the school holidays, so by the time you're going on holiday it's nice and easy and the only big change is the location!

It's a wonderful and very generous offer so we need to ensure that everyone has the best time possible.

SpaceDinosaur · 11/10/2019 16:04

Missed the retirement flat comment.

Arse.

How often do they babysit?

Bourbonbiccy · 11/10/2019 16:11

Could they come to your house and you stay elsewhere for a few days just to see how they would get on?

But ultimately the issue is obviously that you don't want them away from you for a week, which is perfectly reasonable, your children, your decision.

Just say " after more of a thought, it probably isn't best to go ahead with the holiday, it was a lovely thought and it's great the children have grandparents who love them so much. Sorry"

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 16:17

Could they come to your house and you stay elsewhere for a few days just to see how they would get on?

God, no! Grin

Some really good suggestions here though, thank you. I’m going to rehearse this in my head all night because if I don’t say something tomorrow this will just run and run until it’s too late to pull out!

OP posts:
Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 16:26

How often do they babysit?

They have them for about three hours one day a week in the school holidays. We don’t see them much in term time as have lots of clubs etc and other stuff going on. It’s their choice to have them for that period of time in the holidays, we don’t ask them for childcare. Actually, on those days they text me in the morning and say “we’ll pick up the kids at X time” - they don’t ask they tell me. Also it’s never pre planned and often I have to say no as we already have our own plans. So there’s probably a bit of a history of this now I think of it.

OP posts:
SunshineDays2019 · 11/10/2019 16:26

Phone them up now and get it over with. The more you mull over it, the harder it will be. Straight to the point...thank you for thinking of taking the children away, but after thinking about it, there are too young to go away without parents, perhaps when they are older..change subject to weather etc. Good luck and report back!

wibdib · 11/10/2019 16:30

Tricky if your dp now says he doesn't agree with you (do you think his parents have been working on him in the mean time?)

I would maybe send a message to PIL today by text or email or whatever you'd normally do (not least so you have a message) to say 'Just wanted to clear up any confusion regarding your offer to take the dc on holiday - whilst you caught us by surprise, you must realise that you can't just book a holiday for the dc without asking us. The very fact that you did this makes it an untenable idea. To make sure that we weren't all talking at cross purposes about it afterwards - we do not want the children to go away with you unaccompanied with you in the summer. I'm glad that the deposit is refundable and suggest getting this sorted sooner rather than later so it doesn't get forgotten about and you find yourself committed to spending more on a holiday that you wont' be taking the gc on.

I know this is taking slight liberties - but work on the basis that when you said that they hadn't asked permission that meant it was obvious that they couldn't take them because you'd have never have said yes, and it sort of works.

That way you will have primed the conversation and turned it into one about them claiming the refund for the deposit or going anyway without the gc, rather than about the gc going, If they keep saying about the dc going, just say (in your best primary school teacher strict voice) don't be so ridiculous, I have already said that they are not going, it's not up for discussion. Then repeat ad infinitum - and if they get much closer to the time and still say it - just say that you won't be dropping them off or allowing them to pick them up (even if you take them away yourself - not that you tell them the last bit!) and be prepared to go through with it.

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 16:33

I’m not phoning them, I’ve never once telephoned this it would make it more of an event for me to tell them like that! They are coming round at 10:30 tomorrow so I’ll update sometime after that...I’m not great with saying things that might not go down well so my hearts already racing, I’m glad of the advice on this thread. It will spur me on!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/10/2019 16:36

There really is no reason to be unpleasant or confrontational about it. Just say that you’ve thought about it and you’re sorry, it had to be no. If you are really sure it’s about the children and not you. 7 and 9 are quite sensible ages to go away with family- but I do agree a week is a long time with no lead up to it.

msmith501 · 11/10/2019 16:38

I'm not sure that I'm reading that the DP doesn't agree with the OP - more that he's wimping out of sticking up for his wife. I'm constantly amazed by how many people are scared of their parents and are incapable of standing strong with their partner. ... but then I speak as someone who got a court injunction against my parents. If the buggers don't listen... although it's a bit OTT in this situation. Ask your DP to grow a pair and start being there for you. Whatever you decide, I'd do it soon as it's clearly festive OP.

BertrandRussell · 11/10/2019 16:44

“ I'm constantly amazed by how many people are scared of their parents and are incapable of standing strong with their partner.”
He may not be scared of his parents- he may not agree with his partner!

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/10/2019 16:46

Every day MN makes me glad I married my husband. Actually, I think he's more scared of me than his parents because I'm usually pretty clear in my views and have a Paddington like stare. I also have a nice MIL. And, a previous husband who was so far up his mother's arse she waddled.

Good luck with the conversation, most children who hadn't had regular overnight visits with their grandparents would struggle with this. Is focus on this and PILs previous behaviour but don't get into a discussion. Your husbands a wimp who isn't thinking of what's best for his children.

BertrandRussell · 11/10/2019 16:47

I would hate to have a partner who felt he had to agree with me even if he though I was wrong.

Oblomov19 · 11/10/2019 16:50

I think children should go away for a night or two, with the scouts, with grand parents etc.

Maybe a week is too long initially, but they could build up to it.

Our school does a couple of nights school trip in year 4, 5 and 6. Will you allow those?

Original poster
AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 16:54

I suspect he does agree with me really because he told me I had to tell them myself if I didn’t want the holiday to go ahead. Had he felt that his parents should have the children for a week, 3 hours away from us, then I think he would have plead their case/said I was being unfair/suggested the kids would enjoy it etc etc. As it is, he’s never said they should go, just that I need to tell them no! I think he just wants to avoid their probable disappointment.

OP posts: