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Original poster

Can you help me word tricky conversation with in laws?

133 replies

AdamantEve · 11/10/2019 14:51

About a month ago my in laws announced they had put a deposit down on a (UK based) holiday for next year for themselves and my two DC. They acknowledged they should have asked first but didn’t really explain why they hadn’t.
They have never had the DC overnight never mind for a week and find them tiring and hard to keep up with when they have them for a few hours. They are in their early 70s and youngest DC is 6. Ultimately, I don’t want the children to go as I have never been away from them for a week and wouldn’t let them go away with my own mum for a week either so although I have a lot of concerns about in laws being able to look after them, it isn’t solely down to that, I just want my children with me!
I am sure lots of people will say I should just let them go but it’s already making me feel stressed and I just want to let them know it’s not going to happen.
When they told me I was on the spot and didn’t really say anything apart from ‘oh, have you?’ I do regret not shutting it down there and then! DP won’t speak to them as he’s scared to rock the boat....
I’ll be seeing them tomorrow. Please help me phrase this so I offend them as little as possible.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/10/2019 10:10

Your DP has to understand that just because his parents say "Jump" you do not have to reply with Ok, How high?

aweedropofsancerre · 12/10/2019 10:13

Your far too passive. Your DH is sadly typical of a lot of men who probably doesn’t care of his DC are taken away by there GP. He doesn’t want to rock the boat by telling his DP to have basic manners which is to ask first before booking things. So sadly your going to have to tell them you expect them to discuss any plans in future before booking. You have the issue not your DH so stand firm , it will help things in the future

HollowTalk · 12/10/2019 10:16

I just can't imagine telling someone that I was taking their children on holiday. Surely anyone normal would say, "We were wondering whether the kids would fancy coming on holiday with us" and not say it in front of the children, either.

You really need to stress that they should ask you in advance, not just tell you.

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Families
Grambler · 12/10/2019 10:17

Whatever you decide to do over the holiday I'd have to start pushing back on those demand emails. How bloody rude to tell you what they are doing with your time!

Nondescriptname · 12/10/2019 10:25

Good luck, AdamantEve.
I hope you get your point across and don't cave to the PiLs.
They are being CFs.

TwinklyTwinkle · 12/10/2019 10:51

Personally, because they were rude enough to assume they could just book a holiday without even running it by you to check it was ok, I would load the kids up with sugar just before and send them on their merry way! Maybe parents in law will think twice about doing it in future!

In all seriousness, it's nice they're trying to do a nice thing (despite being rude and not running it by you). Maybe use this as an opportunity to have some probably well deserved free time? Otherwise maybe if you're really worried about it, say to them that you're concerned about being away from the kids for a week and suggest coming along? If they're funny about it, suggest maybe cancelling the holiday and them just taking the kids for a weekend so everyone can ease into it?

TwinklyTwinkle · 12/10/2019 10:55

Oops, missed previous replies, sorry! Staying nearby sounds good!

Twisique · 12/10/2019 10:58

I would go out with the children so they couldn't take them today. Rude!

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2019 11:04

“ I would go out with the children so they couldn't take them today. Rude!”
Because so much better than having a conversation.....

NoSauce · 12/10/2019 11:05

Yes, just bloody talk to them.

greenlavender · 12/10/2019 11:27

@AdamantEve - 'I'm not keen on ... ' isn't no. You have to be clearer. Good luck!

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2019 11:29

“Hey, George and Mabel- can you check with us before you make plans involving the children? We’re quite often busy at the weekends and we’d hate to miss out on something fun because we’d already make plans!”

NoSauce · 12/10/2019 12:30

Spot on BertrandRussell!

onalongsabbatical · 12/10/2019 15:37

Did you tell'em, OP?

Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 16:14

They came at 2.00 instead of 10.30 and have just left now. We had a disagreement about another child related situation which is unrelated to the issue in this thread, but it caused a huge atmosphere and I thought I wouldn’t be able to bring up the holiday situation as it would be just beyond awkward. Spent half an hour wondering how I was ever going to resolve it, then we got onto a conversation about holidays. FIL made a vague reference to The Holiday and I knew I had to say something so I just basically said that WE thought maybe a week might be too much. I almost ruined it by saying “what do you think?” and was kicking myself but luckily DP stepped in and said why don’t they do the first weekend of their break with the kids and we’d pick them up on the Sunday and take them home. PIL looked a bit put out but both agreed so that’s that now, all resolved. I’m relieved! Just need to work on the other demands they make now but at least this is sorted.

OP posts:
Nondescriptname · 12/10/2019 16:19

That's good, OP, especially as DP backed you up.

You both need to say No to them more often.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2019 16:56

What other child related issue and did they take the dc to a restaurant? Honestly,, you need to get your DP on the same page. His parents don’t get to TELL you they’re taking out YOUR kids!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/10/2019 18:24

I GUARANTEE when you pick the DC up on the Sunday your PIL will be exhausted and glad to see the back of them - in the nicest way. They will ruefully admit this to their closest friends but never to you!Wink

Original poster
AdamantEve · 12/10/2019 18:52

@Cherrysoup I am not going in to detail about the other issue as it would be outing but in a nutshell, some time ago they wanted to do something, I said not necessary, they asked about it again today in a way in which suggested they believed it to be happening and I had to remind them that we had agreed it wouldn’t be happening and wasn’t something I wanted or needed to go ahead. They huffed about this quite a bit. Sorry that is hugely vague!

The restaurant is tomorrow and the children are going as there is no reason for them not to, however if PIL had sent the text to me and not DP then I would have made an excuse for it not to happen so that they might consider asking next time. Although we have had crossed wires in the past with things like this - once DMIL turned up at the door with a massive item I did not need and really didn’t want to store. I told her it wouldn’t get used and to take it home before she had a chance to hand it over. Cue lots of offence being caused. It later transpired she had previously spoken to DP and he had said we would have it so she had bought it especially! So no wonder she was offended. DP apparently just says yes to everything they suggest, I am realising.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I quite agree!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 12/10/2019 18:55

At least they are bothered about their GC, OP. They might not be perfect in your eyes but at least they care and make the effort.

Burpsandrustles · 12/10/2019 19:00

No source, perhaps but in circumstances like this it can actually seem rather selfish and over bearing.
In more extreme circumstances it can cause the break down of relationships.

Mums of sons take note! Make sure your son can speak his mind to you and say no. Respect his new boundaries when he has a partner and don't presume to take other people's children without first requesting permission in a soft way and be prepared to hear no.

NoSauce · 12/10/2019 19:03

I do agree that they shouldn’t have booked the holiday without asking the OP and her DH and they should always run it by them when they want to do something with their GC. But I maintain that it’s better that they care than not.

Burpsandrustles · 12/10/2019 19:04

I'm not sure when caring is done in such a self centered way that could only benefit the so called caring GPS.

NoSauce · 12/10/2019 19:05

Oh well.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2019 22:30

Gosh, they have no boundaries, do they??

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