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Original poster

17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

143 replies

Biggiraffe · 30/09/2019 19:59

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

OP posts:
GaudyNight · 30/09/2019 20:01

In what way is she not coping?

gamerchick · 30/09/2019 20:05

Well she wouldn't be spending minimal time at home while I looked after her toddler in your shoes, that's for sure.

Where's babies dad in all this?

kristallen · 30/09/2019 20:10

How's the dad doing? He should be responsible for 50% no? She should get half the week off or every second weekend at least. He should definitely be experiencing what being a parent is about to the same extent as her. How old is he?

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WhatTiggersDoBest · 30/09/2019 20:17

So she's trying to improve her job prospects by going to college and you think she isn't coping? Have I missed something? If mum and baby are happy and if you offered childcare outside nursery what's the issue??

Wildorchidz · 30/09/2019 20:21

DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister,
Do you mean that she is out socialising a lot when you would maybe expect her to come home after college to care for her child and then study? You are not being unreasonable if that is the case.
Is she getting any financial support from the baby’s dad?

Original poster
Biggiraffe · 30/09/2019 20:33

I don't expect many people will fully understand my point of view here, so I would appreciate it if you don't post unless you are going to be supportive. Its not an easy situation trying to parent and grandparent as well.
She doesn't get up , until the last minute for college, doesn't come home to see him, her friends and boyfriend are more important to her .I don't have a problem looking after him, I just don't want her to look back and wish she had done things differently

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 30/09/2019 20:39

I would ask her if she is going to actually be a mum or if she wants to consider him going into the care of others legally.
It may shake her up a little but also, you need to stop being around to pick up her slack. If you can't get him from nursery she will have to. Maybe he should sleep in her room too so when he wakes she has no choice but to get up.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 30/09/2019 20:45

I'm not surprised a 17 year old isn't enjoying being Mum to a 14 month old. The two are hardly compatible.

There's not much you can do OP is there? You can't force her to confront the reality of her choices and embrace them?

Unfortunately you are going to have to step up here, for the baby's sake.

Loveislandaddict · 30/09/2019 20:46

So it seems like she is still living a young, free and single life, rather than being a mum.

Has she got post natal depression so is avoiding him? Or scared as she doesn’t actually know what to do, or what is expected of her?

Maybe you need to teach her to be a mum, and agree with the above post about not taking up the slack. When a nappy needs changing, so you automatically do it? Make /encourage her do this, feed him, bath him etc. And take him for his injections etc.

Is there a young mums parent and baby group she can join?

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 30/09/2019 20:46

In your first post you asked for advice. You might not like the advice offered though, but that’s not the fault of the people posting it.

If she is living at home with you and your husband, I would expect that she should be doing the childcare when she is at home. If the little boy is with his paternal grandparents two days a week, is his father also doing his share.

Maybe you could have a plan for dividing up the childcare between her, you, the father and paternal grandparents. Of course she’ll want to go out with her mates and she can do that, but not at the expense of her child or her college course.

Time to put some proper arrangements in place I reckon.

kateandme · 30/09/2019 20:47

Could you go into a bit more details of the dynamics day to day ok?might be easier to picture it then offer some better backgrounder advice

youngestisapsycho · 30/09/2019 20:48

She sounds like a normal 17 year old... my 17 yr old DD would no way cope with looking after a toddler full time. It must be hard, and probably a bit confusing for her.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 20:48

This is difficult op, basically she's handed over rh parenting to you. She is only seventeen, so she's doing it because she can and she likely feels out of her depth, and you will appear more competent.

I think you need to speak to her. Sit her down. And talk about it.

Thesearmsofmine · 30/09/2019 20:50

She is doing this because you are allowing her to do it by looking after her baby. You need to I let her know that you will no longer be able to do this and she needs to step up, she is young but I assume willingly chose to have a baby?

kateandme · 30/09/2019 20:50

Is she doo g this because she doesn't want to be a mum and putting child last.neglecting.or did you make it somewhere along the lines seem like ud look after him as much as u are so she could live life etc
How was this discussed.

isadoradancing123 · 30/09/2019 20:50

I think she needs you to have some stiff words with her and lay some grounds that she has to abide by, she decided to have the baby, her choice but he is her baby not yours

Isitnearlyweekend · 30/09/2019 20:50

Unfortunately when babies have babies this is what happens. It’s hard enough as an adult. I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult though. It’s important she carries on with her education so I’m not sure if her having to get up in the night is the answer, as someone else has suggested. It’s a tricky one. I would think that if she’s not in college she should be looking after her child rather than out with her friends.
@hidinginthenightgarden I would also give her the choice of having the child looked after by someone else.

june2007 · 30/09/2019 20:51

Tell her that After college she needs to come home and look after her baby, that you don't mind helping or baby sitting sometimes, but that she needs to take on the lead. she is mum you are nana.

ConfCall · 30/09/2019 20:53

What did you agree to when she told you that she was pregnant? Practical support? Financial? Maybe there has genuinely been a breakdown in communication.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 30/09/2019 20:54

I'm not surprised at all. What 17 year old would actively want to be a full time single mom to a 14 month old instead of going out with her friends. Are you surprised?

She got pregnant, and had the baby. Now she needs to face up to her responsibilities. She has a lot of help in you but she needs to see how unfair it is to link you with a baby full time.

What's done is done though. If she doesn't have up to motherhood you can't physically make her. This is why kids shouldn't be getting pregnant ideally!

Letthemysterybe · 30/09/2019 20:54

You have my sympathy, it sounds like a tough situation.

What happens if you try to wake her in the morning so she can parent her child?

Have you sat down and had. A Conversation with her about everyone’s roles and responsibilities?

Are there ‘young parenting’ groups locally that she can join for advice and support?

Moominfan · 30/09/2019 20:54

She doesn't get up , until the last minute for college, doesn't come home to see him, her friends and boyfriend are more important to her .I don't have a problem looking after him, I just don't want her to look back and wish she had done things differently

She's living like a normal teenager. Nothings going to change unless your prepared to do something different

Soontobe60 · 30/09/2019 20:55

OP, you need to step back. It sounds like you are inadvertently enabling your daughter's lack of parenting. I totally understand it, she would only have been 15 when she got pregnant, still a child herself, and now may feel like her life is not her own. It's great that you're supporting her, but she needs to step up. It should be her doing the bulk of the childcare, not you. You need to sit down with her one night and explain that you are no longer going to be a substitute mum for your grandchild.

Raphael34 · 30/09/2019 20:55

She’s not going to step up and be a proper mum when she’s got everyone else taking care of her child. When exactly does she have her son? The poor things only 14 months and already in nursery full time, and offloaded with other relatives 2 days a week. Plus she’s in college. The only way to get her to take care of her baby is for you to stop taking care of him. There is such a thing as too much support. I’d have a talk with her and tell her you’ll no longer be taking care of her baby. I’d contact social services if she’s lost interest in being a mum. This baby needs someone to care about him

StylishMummy · 30/09/2019 20:55

I would sit her down and ask her if she would officially like to relinquish him, as her actions are suggesting she's not able/willing to parent him. Does baby come to you if he's hurt or his 'mum'?

Whether you mean it or not & if that's to you or to someone outside the family, hopefully the mere suggestion should spur her into action. Agree 2-3 nights a week she can do her stuff and the other nights she does bath/bottle/bedtime routine.

Ask her to have friends round to your house & make sure baby is present, so her friends adjust their perception of her too. You're facilitating her behaving like a child when she's put herself in an adult situation.