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Original poster

17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

143 replies

Biggiraffe · 30/09/2019 19:59

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

OP posts:

Skyejuly · 01/10/2019 09:37

I dont think social media makes a difference. This is life now for her whether she likes it or lumps it. I think when she realises that it's much easier to get on with it

BarbaraofSeville · 01/10/2019 09:53

You need to stop being available after she gets in from college tbh

And before college. She needs to get up in time to feed, change, wash and dress her baby and get everything ready for nursery - does she take him there herself?

You say she and her ex were OK at looking after their baby before they split? So she knows what to do, it sounds like she's got bored of him.

She probably needs you to be supportive, but you shouldn't be doing everything, it's her child she chose to have.

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2019 10:00

I dont think you can ask posters to be supportive when you don't like what they are saying your Dd is a teenager acting like a teenager she has been allowed to forget she has a baby you alll are not supporting her to be a better mum you are all enabiling her to behave like an irresponsible teenager. Are you prepared to take on your grandchild fulltime ?

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ssd · 01/10/2019 10:09

I don't know why posters are still replying to the op, she's buggered off in a sulk as she doesn't want to hear people's advice.

LondoMalari · 01/10/2019 10:11

I am sorry to say that but I agree with some posts above, you created this situation, and only you can help to solve it. Your daughter will not behave differently unless you establish some ground rules. Sit her down and discuss the timetable of how and when will your daughter contribute. You don't have to take her on abordar but take it slow but firm. She is a mum, you're the nan. She will be great full later if this situation will be resolved and you will be happier too. Good luck!

Pinkyyy · 01/10/2019 10:12

@ssd I often wonder why people do this. The OP made it clear on page 1 that she only wanted to hear the good things and hasn't returned since. Why doe people waste their time writing lengthy replies?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/10/2019 10:15

OP is long gone I think.

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2019 10:34

Maybe the Op is reading and hopefully digesting advice hopefully ?

KatherineJaneway · 01/10/2019 12:23

Maybe the Op is reading and hopefully digesting advice hopefully?

I don't think so somehow. Anyone who only asks for supportive posts doesn't actually want advice, they want tea and sympathy only.

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2019 13:16

I thought a lot of the posts were supportive oh well

Original poster

Biggiraffe · 01/10/2019 13:31

Thank you to everyone that has posted, even if its not been what I want to read, that's mumsnet and everyone can have their say.
I am very thankful for all the support though, and Mrsjayy is right I am digesting it all , and will attempt to get my daughter to open up to me and see where we go from there. Thanks once again

OP posts:

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 01/10/2019 13:48

OP you need to get her to see that her son isn’t just “a” baby. He is a person with all the human needs she has. One of those needs is a secure attachment with his mum. She has benefitted from having her mother attend to her from birth. She would be very selfish indeed to deny her son those basic needs being met. I don’t mean guilt trip her- I mean make her see the reality of what happens when a child grows up knowing their mum didn’t prioritise them. There are countless women on MN who can shed light on that if you want some real life examples to put to her. I know she is young and there are far more exciting things than a baby but this is what she chose. She made a commitment to him when she chose to have him and she is doing him. Massive disservice and setting him up for Lifetime of horrible feelings about himself if she’s continues to reject him. Which is what shes doing.

ChilliMayo · 01/10/2019 14:11

You don't say she is having emotional/mental health difficulties or has any health complications. The following is based on that.

The best thing you could do is book a holiday for you and your husband. Not six months trekking through the Himalaya, just a week in a caravan at the nearest coastal resort.
Have a word with other granny and sweeten the pill with your dd by saying that in addition to her two usual nights X will babysit on one additional evening. This gives your dd three nights socialising, which many of the single mums out there would give their eye teeth for.
There is not much point saying she is compensating for this and that and the other. The situation is what it is and she needs to find a way to balance her life between caring for her child, educating herself and having some down/social time. Like every single parent aged 16 to 60.
You get yourself up, you get baby ready, get yourself ready, you drop st nursery, you go to college/work, you collect baby, feed baby, feed yourself, a little housework, watch telly, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. If you are lucky, you have some support that enables you to meet friends after work occasionally, have a lie in at some point, get a hairdo every so often. She's lucky - she has this support.
Let her have the full experience. Tip off a few emergency contacts who can keep a weather eye on things if you must. Leave a little money hidden in the house in case of emergency.
If she fails and you receive the emergency call-back then there is impetus for change. But if you have to take on responsibility for your doc then your dd needs to move on and become the adult dd who lives away from home, for the good of everyone involved.

Dorsetcamping · 01/10/2019 17:02

@Biggiraffe what is exactly you were hoping to read? You've had lots of supportive advice

Skyejuly · 02/10/2019 21:18

I'm 32 now and my older kids are teens and life is although stressful it does get better to get time for things you enjoy. I am so glad my mum took a step back and I think I wouldnt have the strength I do had she done it x

Dieu · 02/10/2019 21:37

I feel for you all, I really do. And I cannot imagine anything worse than being thrown into motherhood aged 16.

MitziK · 02/10/2019 22:35

Is it possible that both GMs have kind of 'taken over' a bit?

The confidence of a parent who has done all this before can feel intimidating to an unsure Mum of any age - add to that little snippets/comments like 'he comes to me when he's upset' and she could be withdrawing due to feeling inadequate compared to GMs.

Whatever you do, don't try to adopt him - telling her you were stealing her baby would be awful; my mother went spare at my sister when she and her boyfriend talked about moving in together, as she was determined DN would be 'her' baby and she'd claim benefits as she 'was DN's mother by all but birth'. So they got married instead and moved in with his mother for three months as they got enough money together to pay a deposit on a house, as all the threats of contacting social services meant nothing when there was a young married couple who wanted their own baby in their own home - the pain that caused my sister, that they were forced to get married days after her 18th birthday in order to have her own baby and the threats to take her away because babysitting whilst she was at college or work meant DSis had (according to our mother) meant she'd given up all rights to her child, still affects her over 40 years later - and our mother never ever babysat or was able to see DN (or the later DN) for more than a couple of hours every six months or so.

She needs encouragement, not threats. In any case, not everybody finds babies as fascinating, endlessly amusing and adorable as a two and a half year old who can talk to you - that time is yet to come for your DD. Give them both a chance to have it.

CJsGoldfish · 03/10/2019 03:19

Based on most ic the threads on here about teen pregnancy, she will finish college, get a masters degree and be a professional high flier in the next 5 years
During which, she'll travel the world as well..

She’s still a child and if I were her mum I would want to support her to enjoy her life for a bit too. She’s rebounding out of a serious relationship and trying to find her feet - that doesn’t mean she’s prioritizing her friends or social life over her baby. It means she’s behaving like a 17 her old should be and I’d want that for her for a few months
What a load of BS.
On MN, a 17yr old is not a child. There are hundreds of threads saying so. Regardless though, she's a mother NOT a carefree teenager. She made that choice, which would have been against my advice for sure, and needs to accept the consequences. You are enabling her OP and you need to stop.
Either you are raising the child, and need the guardianship legalised, or she is. None of this "oh but she's a child and should be living her life as such" Seriously can't believe someone posted that

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