17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

[Biggiraffe]

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

Well she can't stay in bed if you put the 14mo in her bed with her at whatever ungodly hour he wakes up. and I would do it with a big smile and 'he wants to see mummy' the first few times, then a firmer 'your son needs getting up for nursery' a few times after that. Ifs she finds it tiring then she'll have to go to bed early a few times in the week.

If you want to OFFER to have him Saturday or Sunday morning, say, so she can have a lie in, then great. But she needs to know that's a favour not an expectation.

Ditto wraparound care from nursery. "you need to be back at X time/collect him from nursery because your DF and I can't have GC that day"/ Invent a reason to be out of the house if you need one.

It sounds like she's doing well by maintaining her studies and social life, and I'm not saying she shouldn't be doing that too. But she has to parent with your support, not abdicate all parenting to you.

I agree with PPs that she needs a bit of a reality check. Her baby is ultimately her responsibility. She should be taking the lead on childcare etc.

Who gets the child benefit for the baby?

I think you need a conversation with her about who is the legal carer of her child. If you are doing all the care, you should be getting the child benefit.

Wake her up in the morning and put the baby in her room.

If you are in good health I would personally take the step as adopting the child as your own.

OP. We've had teen pregnancies in our family and its nor easy. You have two choices; either force her to parent by stepping back or you accept shes too young and you parent your grandson. I really dont know what I would do because your grandchild has to be the centre of it all. I think I'd start with small steps. Ie, she has to get up and deal with him 4 days od the week. What about the father ? Is she resentful that he gets off the hook as it were ?

She's made herself an adult by having a baby so you need to have a Frank and adult talk with her about the fact that she is the child's mother. It may seem harsh but she made this baby and she should not be acting like it's not even hers. Start by bringing the baby into her room in the morning and waking her up and telling her what she needs to do. Do this every day.

My sister got pregnant at 15 and had her first at 16 and then she had her second at 17.

I think what was really important was to say okay this is your time when we will watch the baby, so she could still get some down time and go out with friends her age, but the rest of the time you are her/his mum and are responsible for his needs. And take a step back. Yes shes young but she is his mum and he is her responsibility. She needs to step up to the role and she wont do that if she is being allowed to do what she likes because you are stepping in. That isnt fair on anyone, especially the child who isnt getting the attention and care from his mum he deserves.

I was 17 when I had a baby.

Looking back I was a bit of a shit mum, rather like your Dd with getting up last minute ect. I always say my dd slept through from 6 weeks but I do wonder if I just slept through the crying so did cc unintentionally.

I grew up with my children, I wasn't ready to be a mother. My DC aren't harmed, they weren't ever neglected to ss standard or any early intervention.

I think your dds ex needs to have 50/50 really and let your dd actually be a teenager every other week. Her brain hasn't developed yet to be a great mum all of the time. Every other week may give her the space to see her friends and feel young, making it so shes glad to have her baby back when it's her turn again.

Supportive chat and if that doesn't work then when the baby is crying you go into her room, curtains open, lights on, leave baby with her. She's old enough to have a baby, she's old enough to be a mother and that means not being out socialising all the time.

Sounds very similar to my sister with her eldest. In the end my mum had to remove her support beyond the verbal (IE. There for advice but not physically/ hands on. She still lived at home). For a while my sister was resentful and my mum found it so difficult to watch. My sister did eventually get to grips with the whole thing and "step-up" she and my niece now have a wonderful relationship and my sister appreciates what my mum did. My sister has gone on to find a lovely partner who is dad to Dniece and they have kids together and own a house.

Sometimes, less is more.

Did she want the baby, OP? Or was she pressured into continuing the pregnancy because other people thought she should do so?
At 17, she is going to find it hard, especially if those around her are trying to insist that she martyr herself as a mother and have no social life or interests outside parenthood.
It's certainly true that the father should be doing at least half the work of raising the child, which would give both DD and you some baby-free time.
You need to have a proper talk with her about what she actually wants to happen, and you will have to be willing to compromise to some extent: for instance, she should be able to have one night a week to see friends.

Sadly at 17 it will usually be the Mum left holding the baby and he is no doubt out, footloose and fancy free.

Except now your daughter wants to do that too. You need to step back, she gets her toddler up and dressed, she needs to come back home after college. She has a child and needs to act like a mother.

Whilst you do it all for her she isn't going to do it herself. I am sure you had the conversation when she was pregnant that her choice was to have this baby. She can't opt out when she feels like it.

Either, she parents her child or looks into someone else raising her child instead, and it doesn't have to be you. But where is the baby's Dad in all of this?

Ahhhh, this is a really sad situation. I know that lots of posters will press you to stop taking care of him so much so that she will step up, but from my experience that may not be the best solution here, and it won't suddenly make her wake up and see the error of her ways. She is clearly making up for lost time, and I know that you don't want her to regret it later on in life, but I don't think that is avoidable in any way, and that isn't your fault. She will be grateful you were there one day, but sadly I think it's pretty inevitable that she will wish she'd done things differently. At least she's going to college, hopefully she will make something of her life and realise one day what a blessing her baby is, and appreciate the sacrifices you have made for her.

We've been through this with DSD1. She had just turned 17 when she had her DS1. Emotionally, she was definitely younger than her peers, and her mum (initially) and my MIL bent over backwards to accommodate her social life. DH's stance was that he would help if it was to let her go to school or work, but ultimately, it was her choice to have him, so it was her responsibility to sort child care.

I won't lie, it was difficult to bite my tongue when she complained about us not helping if it was for her to go out (although we did help for birthdays and the occasional event), but it did take her moving into her own place before she bucked up her ideas. She had been living with her mum, who soon tired of the noise and mess of babies, as well as the effect on her social life.

It's been 10 years and she now has another DS (1). She herself says that she needed people to have been as strict with her as DH was, although she didn't appreciate it at the time. MIL is still as soft as mush and will babysit when asked, but DSD1 did eventually stop taking the piss.

It will be hard, but you have to step back and let her and the father sort out access/child care.

How much will she talk to you OP?

Does she want to give him up? Maybe having that chat might help clarify for her that she needs to do more.

You of course will do all you can to keep them both safe, but she needs to decide what she wants and you need to Dr ide what you are able to do

She may only be 17 now but she will grow up and become more responsible in time but for now she's probably scared and needs encouraging to do things, sooner or later she's going to have to move out and cope.

Could you say no more often until she gradually stops depending on you so much and gets used to her life as a single mum?
Or maybe spend time with her and baby in the park, make a picnic and encourage her to plan her free time doing things with him?

You are enabling her behaviour. If you are happy to be your grandson’s primary carer then continue as you are. If you’re not, then you need to quickly implement some hard and fast rules.

You have to remove the support that you're giving her that allows her to behave this way.

My brother's stepdaughter had a baby at 15. Her mum and my brother said that they'd only support her up to a point not far beyond what they offered her older sibling who lived independently with her child. They said, kindly, gently but firmly, that this was her child, not theirs.

She is a wonderful mum. Really, by anyone's standards. It would have been so easy to expect the worst and mother her child for her. But she defied expectations, and their moral support rather than excessive practical support, she says herself, was key.

Hi op. Just wanted to say I have been in your daughters situation I had my child at 15 yes it's not great but I had to step up and be a mum it was very hard I also went to college for 3 years. I found as my child got older it got easier. You do need to sit down and have a good talk about what needs to happen maybe get a calendar up and write on every day what's going to happen e.g if you are happy to help with the baby say 1 day at the weekend or whenever that's when she can go out and be with her friends or boyfriend the other days she has to be a mum and when the baby is going to other grandparents etc. She may be able to plan her time more wisely if you get what I meen. What's done is done it just has to be delt with the right way. What she's feeling now won't last forever it will get easier.

Sorry but you need to stop enabling her. If she gets up last minute then when does she feed the baby before college? If she's going out and not feeding the baby, that's neglect. Also, where does the baby go when she's in college?

Sorry I see you said the baby was in full time nursery.

how is her college program going? helping to the fullest might be okay if the course and work prospect are positive.
but nothing wrong with expressing to her that you feel your being taken advantage of.
does she have a social worker involved?

I think before „making“ her do anything, she needs a good talk and ask what she actually wants. If she wants for you to look after her baby while she lives a normal 17yo life, you’ll have Ito explain that you can’t do that. But there might be much more going on, she might well feeel overwhelmed and inadequate, and need support and encouragement that she’s good at looking after her LO, rather than the boot camp approach.

Hugs to you both, and the baby. It’s deffo not easy on anyone.

I don't understand why some posters expect so little of a 17 year old.

A girl I was at school with had a baby at 14. She returned to school the next academic year and took her baby to nursery on the way to school and collected him at the end of the day. She seemed to take her responsibility as a parent seriously and was definitely her son's primary carer.

I suspect OP that you have been so supportive that it has backfired a little and your DD hasn't HAD to do the parenting so is opting not to.

I worry that it will be confusing for the child.

It doesn't sound remotely like she isn't coping, it sounds like she is selfish and lazy and you are enabling her. Poor kid.

Sadly, you're enabling and allowing her to be an absent mother. I would be telling her NO, you will not be the one providing the majority of care for her child. After school, she is coming home to deal with HER responsibilities. You should not have your life consumed with caring for her child while she prances about doing whatever she wants. That's outrageous.