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Original poster

17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

143 replies

Biggiraffe · 30/09/2019 19:59

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

OP posts:
upups · 30/09/2019 23:09

As a teen mum myself I do think you need to sit down and have a very open and honest conversation with her. I agree that you shouldn't pander to her and she seems to just be taking advantage but it's also really hard to be young and giving your all to a little person. As others have said you also have to think about the baby and forcing her to look after it full time may just end up with the child not getting the proper attention it needs. Maybe you could offer to spend time with both her and the baby and go out and do family things together to show her how it's done?

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:13

She doesn't get up , until the last minute for college, doesn't come home to see him

Find out where she us and take dgs to her and walk away.
Set her alarm for when your dgs wakes up take him to her and say ' get on with it'.
My goodness! I bought both my dds up on my own when I got divorced one was a year old the other 6 weeks old. I worked full time taking them with me while I did cleaning jobs, no family to help me! I did that till they went to school then became a carer doing palliative care for nearly 40 years!
Your dd is taking the p...! And you are allowing her to. You have to be tough. You will not be around forever! You are not helping your dgs at all!

Teddybear45 · 30/09/2019 23:19

She’s still a child and if I were her mum I would want to support her to enjoy her life for a bit too. She’s rebounding out of a serious relationship and trying to find her feet - that doesn’t mean she’s prioritizing her friends or social life over her baby. It means she’s behaving like a 17 her old should be and I’d want that for her for a few months.

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Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:20

If your worried op that she won't look after dgs properly, officially adopt the child and tell your dd to find her own place! She can socialise as much as she wants and relinquish her rights and responsibilities over dgs. After all that's what's she's doing now! At least that will be one less for you to wait hand and foot on!

Calmingvibrations · 30/09/2019 23:22

@PlasticPatty is right with this prediction. Seen it with family. Mum took the slack for 19 odd years (financial and emotional) to save kid going into care as daughter too busy partying. Years later and to this day she blames her mum for taking her kid away from her. Despite it being plain obvious it wasn’t the case. It’s ruined their relationship.

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:22

Sorry op but you do need to toughen up! For ALL your sakes Flowers

Sarahandco · 30/09/2019 23:23

It must be very hard for you all. It sounds as though she may have still been 15 when she gave birth, so I am assuming that you agreed to take on some of the responsibility and obviously you are now.

I think that you need to set a strict timetable between all the parties involved in your grandson's care. I think you should allow your daughter to have some timetabled periods where she can just be a 17 year old. But also times when she has to be the parent and I suppose you need to work with her and help her become an effective parent over the next few years so that you can step back later on and just enjoy being a grandparent.

She needs to talk about how things can work for her and her son in the future. I think I would try to prevent her from being so overwhelmed that she runs away from her responsibility. I would rather her have some freedom, time to get job skills/qualifications at college but also set times when she has to work hard at her parenting.

I would tell her that she can have her lie-ins only when her child is at the other grandparents. I would be strict with her about what her responsibilies are, but would also continually discuss what her plan of action is over the next few years so that she has goals to reach, and eventually complete independence.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 23:24

It's sad and telling that the op hasn't responded.

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:26

Enjoy her life!? caalmingvibrations what about her mum enjoying g her life? She bought dd up! Your having a laugh! Seems ops dd has had enough ' fun' for the mo IMO.

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:29

Saraa lot of sense there.

Carriecakes80 · 30/09/2019 23:31

I was pregnant at 16, baby at 17, and I was alone. Babies dad buggered off, and because there was no-one there to pick up the slack, I had to do everything.
I would walk miles with my boy in the rain to pay bills, lived alone in a hostel, my partner paid nothing, and I could get no help as his job was cash in hand from his family, so, when I applied for help I was told I could get nothing from the dad.
Life was bloody hard, but I actually thrived on it looking back.
If there had been someone there to offer support all the time, maybe I wouldn't have the amazing bond I have with my boy today. He's 21 now and absolutely awesome, and I have other babies and I'm married, but I look back on that tough time with me and my boy with absolute love and happiness, despite the fact that my only friends were my Friends videos that I watched over n over with a screaming baby in a horrible smelly hostel! :-)
She will stay a teen as long as you let her, but if you step back, she will be a mum, and she can be a great one. xxx

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 23:35

carrieFlowers all the best to you

Skyejuly · 01/10/2019 06:51

I had my son at 16. My mum did not step in. I was poorly etc and I still had to get on with it. I am eternally grateful my mum didnt because I managed and I am glad I took the lead. I really think that although this is hard your daughter needs to start holding that responsibility. He is her son not her brother and she may not enjoy missing out on social things and who enjoys getting up early but it's tough.

Pollydocket · 01/10/2019 07:20

I would imagine being 16 year old parent is much harder now with social media.

I’d be having a stern chat with her about what she is missing out on. Tough shit if she wants to party, she chose parenting.

Stop doing all the work, tough love is needed.

I feel for you.

RoseQuartzGlow · 01/10/2019 07:48

Honestly, I also worry for the child. It really might be worth all of you thinking about the possibility of adoption. Whatever was or wasn’t said/done in the past, it doesn’t sound like your daughter wants to be a mother. If she can’t cope , the baby needs a stable home with loving parents. It doesn’t sound like the father is involved either.

Moondancer73 · 01/10/2019 07:52

@Aquamarine1029 I thought exactly the same thing

MeggyMeg · 01/10/2019 08:04

Great post from CarrieCake80.

CornishCreation · 01/10/2019 08:04

Any more thoughts op?

bengalcat · 01/10/2019 08:06

Talk to her . I’d imagine she feels somewhat like a fish out of water with juggling college , the recent break up of her relationship and a toddler . A full time nursery place and child with his other grandparents sounds like quite a help for her each week . I’m generalising here but teens often cope well with babies but once said baby reaches the toddler stage they become more of a challenge ( as perhaps they do for all of us ) . Talk to her , tell her what you’ve told us , ask where she sees her life going and as others have said ask if she does want to keep her child . Good luck to you all and I hope you all come out the other side and it works out . X . Obviously I don’t know you but re age my parents looked after my child from 6 - 18 months many years ago while I worked FT - they were in their early 70’s .

getoutofthatgarden202 · 01/10/2019 08:20

@RoseQuartzGlow seriously dropping in that they should look at adoption as an option?? that's terrible advice & unlikely as the poster has never said she doesn't want to look after the child !

Adoption is not a simple solution...

OtraCosaMariposa · 01/10/2019 08:28

I would imagine being 16 year old parent is much harder now with social media.

Don't really see what social media has to do with it, to be honest. Being a very young mother was never a walk in the park. OP's daughter probably got pregnant at 15, if she's now 17 with a 14 month old. That is far too young to be making informed decisions about whether you have the skills to be a parent or not.

It's hardly a shocker that a child has a baby then can't cope. Or that a teenage relationship breaks down. Or that the two children involved aren't really interested in their own child.

Agree with everyone else - you can't force her to take responsibility, OP. She's clearly hugely regretting getting pregnant in the first place and ruining her life. Totally understandable. All her friends are doing the normal 17 year old things of college, driving lessons, boyfriends and she's lumbered with a toddler.

There are two choices here, OP. You either get together with the other granny and come up with a plan of attack to knock some sense into the pair of them. Or you accept that you are going to be mum to this wee boy for the foreseeable future.

Poor child.

sashh · 01/10/2019 08:53

I think when your little girl gets pregnant all you want to do is hug them and help.

And that is fine to start with but long term your dd (who I am sure is still your little girl) needs support to be a mum to her own child.

She behaves like a big sister because the family dynamic is 2 parents and 2 children, it needs to change to 2 older adults, a young adult and a grandchild.

I'm 53 ad I've not experienced it but I have seen it through the years with friends and then with daughters of friends and occasionally with students I have taught.

There have been different outcomes, one friend found bruises o her grandchild and called ss. Her grand daughter was eventually adopted but as a teenager made contact through her social worker and now she is 18 directly.

One friend lived at home but on the condition her sisters were not disturbed.

Another worked evenings in a pub so was responsible for the baby all day but the grandparents baby sat from about 7pm until she got home at 11.30.

Another lived independently in a small flat with her mum popping in occasionally.

There is no single solution, you need to do what works for you and for your family and son't think you are being selfish if you put yourself first for once.

I hope you can make this work and enjoy your gs all other grandparents do.

meccacos2 · 01/10/2019 09:22

I knew an adult who relinquished custody of her daughter to her parents.

This person was about 27 years old when I met her and the child was about 13. She had the child when she was 15 years old.

I met up with this person a few years later. She was still living her life like she was in her early 20’s. No responsibility for her child.

It is very very sad, your daughter is only 17 years old, but quite immature for her age.

I suggest you get social services involved. At some point your daughter needs to grow up.

Sostenueto · 01/10/2019 09:24

Blimey! Just realised my 17yr old dgd is not leading a ' normal' teenage life! Driving lessons, partying , spending ages on social media, worrying about what social media thinks of her, boyfriends, etc etc. We must have done something really wrong! Shock
And there I was thinking she was ' normal'!
Oh hang on, what she has been doing along with her other ' abnormal' friends is study, socialise, study, socialise, do voluntary work in community, study, socialise, work.
Have we got it wrong?

sweetmotherog · 01/10/2019 09:37

My sister had a baby at 16 she's a fantastic mother don't get me wrong but just lately the weekend rolls around and she wants a babysitter for the Friday night. I said to her how selfish she is being and she gave up the right to be a child when she had a child. Harsh but true

What a load of shit. A mum going out on a Friday night isn't being selfish, she didn't didn't 'give up a right to be a child when she had one' - Going out once a week isn't being childish ffs

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