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Original poster

17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

143 replies

Biggiraffe · 30/09/2019 19:59

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

OP posts:
cptartapp · 30/09/2019 21:37

Why do you say your grandson is 'with his other granny', instead of with his dad? That suggests she's been lumbered too and her son isn't doing much parenting either. And is there a grandfather on the other side? Where exactly are the men in all this?

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 21:39

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BellyButton85 · 30/09/2019 21:40

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Families
SavageFenty · 30/09/2019 21:42

Stop looking after her baby full stop. She will soon have no choice but to get her arse up and look after him. Stop pandering to her.

Lovemusic33 · 30/09/2019 21:43

16/17 is very young, I’m unsure how I would deal with my dd having a baby so young (my dd is almost 16). I can see how hard it must be for her, seeing her friends going out and having fun whilst she’s stuck at home with a baby, she’s missing out on the best years of her life and is probably regretting the choices she made (she probably didn’t realise what it would be like having a child).

I think you need to sit down and talk to her, maybe agree to her going out on certain days and other days she stays in with her baby. I think it’s important her family and the child’s dads family continue to support her and the baby, dad needs to step up a bit but if he refuses too I think it’s perfectly ok that the child’s other grandparents help out by having the child from time to time. Compromises need to be made.

ParkheadParadise · 30/09/2019 21:44

I had dd at 15
My parents supported us financially and emotionally. They both worked full time, I had dd all day by myself, I had older siblings around during the day.
My mum would help with her when she came home she would also get up during the night in the early days.

They made it very clear from the beginning that they would help me BUT dd was my responsibility. I didn't get to finish my education or go nights out with friends.
I stayed with them until I was 18 and got my own flat with dd which they helped furnish.
They also helped with childcare when I got a job. I would come straight from work and collect her.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 30/09/2019 21:46

I'm very alarmed at everyone urging OP to stop helping with this baby! What if her DD doesn't step up to the mark and take care of the baby? You can't condone child neglect just to make a point. I'm sure you won't allow that to happen, OP.

jennymanara · 30/09/2019 21:47

My best friend at school had a baby at 16. For various reasons family did not help her. She was a great mum. It was hard for her, but she had no choice but to step up and bring up her DD well.

AutumnRose1 · 30/09/2019 21:48

I'm going to get slammed fir this but oh well

In a previous line of work, I met a 17 year old for whom the solution was to give up her 2 year old.

Of course if this is the best way then it's best to crack on. If it comes to this, the father might take on his child (!) or his family might.

EntropyRising · 30/09/2019 21:49

I think either she needs to be an actual mother or you should look into adopting the baby.

Very sorry that you're in this position.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/09/2019 21:52

When I was that age and a mum, I was set up in my own home. I don't think I could've have parented living at home. The dynamic is different.
I had no choice but to step up myself (and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way), my point is that as long as you are physically there for babysitting duties, then you're an option to fall back on. If it continues, then she will end up feeling like the babysitter to her own child.

whattheee · 30/09/2019 21:52

@BellyButton85 discus*@BellyButton85* discusting comment

whattheee · 30/09/2019 21:53

Obviously ment discusting comment

Lulualla · 30/09/2019 21:54

Baptism by fire time.

You and your husband need to go away for a week. Full time nursery means she can still attend college. The child is hers. Go away for a week.

When you get back, have a serious conversation about why you felt the need to disappear and tell her that the week she just experienced is what it means to be a mum. Talk about her future plans.

Until you sort out your week away, you need to stop being available for childcare. Just stop doing it.

Newmumma83 · 30/09/2019 21:54

@Biggiraffe

First love break ups are always intense , but as she has a child the luxury to spiral a little is not really there.

What would you like to see for your daughter?

Could you structure for her to spend more time with her baby? Starting with one night a week? Your right I would worry she will regret it later.

Perhaps see if she needs counselling if you think she is depressed / over stretched ?
Can you get counselling perhaps they can help you by helping you understand how to help her?

Big hugs op x

SunshineCake · 30/09/2019 21:54

It is spelt disgusting ffs.

Lulualla · 30/09/2019 21:55

@whattheee

That comment is completely true. The girl has been stupid. And she is behaving like a spoilt, selfish irresponsible child. She does need to pull her head out if her arse and be a parent. Or give up the child.

Whitejasmine · 30/09/2019 21:56

Agree with posters saying you need to set firmer boundaries. Tell her what you are prepared to do (ie look after him while she’s at college) but then she must come straight home. Tell her you are finding it difficult - you need an honest discussion with her.
I had my first child at 19 and was living at home. I didn’t receive much help at all from my dm - apart from the odd nappy change etc. he went to a nursery when my mat leave finished and I went back to my part time job. My dm picked him up twice a week and looked after him for an hour until I got back. My dp’s parents would look after him about once a month so we could go out. I look back now and am grateful I had a roof over my head and my dm nearby in case I needed her but at the time I did feel resentful that she didn’t help more. Now I’m glad she didn’t though because it taught me to stand on my own two feet and accept my responsibilities. It also meant I bonded properly with my baby as he was looked after primarily by me. You sound like a lovely and supportive mum but I would worry that by you taking over the lions share of the work it will not force your dd to face her responsibilities and be a mother to her child.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/09/2019 21:59

Thing is, when she chose to have this child, she will have had very little real idea of what she was signing up for.

I think all you can do is ask her to step up, and if she fails then take over fully yourself. Your little grandson deserves security and routine.

Even if she is unable to be a committed mum now, things might improve by the time she is 19 or 20. She needs to keep her bond with her boy so that she feels able to step back in when she is ready.

99problemsandjust1appt · 30/09/2019 21:59

I had my first when I was a teenager and my fifth at 35
I’ll be honest and say I think age isn’t the issue here. I think it could well be depression.
With my first 4 I was fine and no issues with my last it’s been a struggle as mostly the 12 months plus stage it’s hard work I’d gladly hand him over if there was someone here ! Your dd is probably exhausted and unhappy I think it’s meeds to be approached from that angle not the teenage mum/ do you want to relinquish care angle x

meuh · 30/09/2019 22:01

I really feel for you, op, and your daughter. It's a difficult situation for everyone and I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh.

I agree with previous advice to sit down and discuss this with your daughter and maybe agree a weekly schedule / rota so that you both know where you stand.

I hope you are able to come to an arrangement that works for everyone, and prioritises your grandson's needs. Flowers

Span1elsRock · 30/09/2019 22:02

I think you need an honest conversation. That you are the grandparent, not the parent, and that while you are happy and willing to help, you are not a substitute parent. That baby needs her, not you.

And maybe a stark choice of if she doesn't want to be mum, that baby is adopted and has the life it deserves to have.

She made the choice to go ahead with this pregnancy, you need to stop enabling her behaviour sadly.

Sostenueto · 30/09/2019 22:07

Its your dds baby. I think you are doing too much for your dd. She has to learn her first responsibility is the baby. Imo she has a cushy life. Someone else whether it be daycare, you and your hubby or other grandparents are bringing up the child.
Stop it! If your dd wanted to keep her baby then she stops galavanting about and starts being responsible for it. Pronto!

Canklesforankles · 30/09/2019 22:07

OP this sounds like a really difficult situation. It does sound like you need to negotiate firmly with your daughter about the support you offer. You are clearly trying really hard to support your daughter and grandson.

I’m shocked at ppl suggesting social services and care. As if that’s a good idea for anyone and easy for the OP.

I wouldn’t want to see any child in my extended family go into care much less my grandchild. Bloody hell the OP’s daughter was very young and OP is doing her best to help.

Aprillygirl · 30/09/2019 22:08

Simple solution is to stop enabling her. It seems she has enough free time away from her DS, so you need to sit her down and tell her that when she is not at college and her child is at home it is her responsibility to look after him. She was the one who chose to have him after all, not you.