17 year old DD isnt coping with being a mum

[Biggiraffe]

My DD is just 17, her baby is 14 months, things were OK when she was with babies dad, they split in May, had been together for over 2 years.
Now its like she is making up for being in an intense relationship at a young age.
She is at college, lives at home and baby has a full time nursery place, baby also spends 2 days with his other granny.
DD spends minimal time at home, if you met us you would assume she was his big sister, I don't want her to regret her choice in later life, and I worry how we will cope as he gets older, I am 55, my husband 64.
Has anyone got any advise please

Did you not have a conversation with her about this when she was pregnant? Why did she want the baby in the first place?

OP, she's not going to look back and wish she'd done things differently.

She's going to look back and say
"Mum! I had my baby when I was still your child. You took over my baby and did all the care, so that I could never bond properly with my baby. That hurt me so much that of course I had to fill my life with other things. And I wanted to get through college so I could live independently and have my baby with me. But you did everything, and that wasn't fair!"

Bear that in mind. The situation will look different to her than it does to you.

Also, when she was with the baby's dad, she was in family mode. Now, she's a single woman.

I think if I were you I'd take the view that you will be raising the child, unless his mother comes up with an alternative. Don't try to punish your dd for what's happened. It might not have been anyone's life-plan, but it is as it is, and there's no joy so great as having a child in your life.

I don't think it's about whether she'll regret it when she's older or not. It's about the fact her child is her responsibility and she can't just assume you'll look after him.
As PPs have said, you need to have a chat about expectations. But, not on the basis of future regret, just on current roles.

Maybe make her watch teen mom. Not great parenting but at least they see their kids. Make her do her job

You need to stop being available after she gets in from college tbh! She's totally being enabled I'm afraid 😟

My dd came home pregnant from university. She wanted the baby and wanted to live with me. I told her she will be responsible for her own baby from day one AND work and contribute half to bills etc. I worked full time and when I came home she worked till midnight almost full time. She did not have time to galavant around although she did go out about once a month if she could afford it. It taught her to take her responsibilities serious and although I was there if she really needed me she knew what she had to do herself. After 4 years I got her a rented house, kitted it out and said now you are ready for your full responsibility. My dgd is nearly 18 and preparing to go to university. My dd has a good job is totally independent a nice home though its not her own, has never received a penny in maintenance from the father but my dgd has never ever done without. My dd is the best mum I know and all for making it plain from the very beginning....Your baby your responsibility.

You have two children: DD17 and GC 14 months. A child cannot parent a child. DD17 is not ready to be a parent....yet. So, I agree with you OP that she is not coping. Yes, other girls have babies just as young but not every child is equally mature or capable.

The discussion I would have with her would be on long term goals....what happens after college? What are her plans in regards to taking on the parenting role?

Fostering is a valid choice/sacrifice if you cannot do it yourself OP. There are lots of lovely foster parents out there and today’s laws allow contact and taking your child back when better situated/more prepared.

Based on most ic the threads on here about teen pregnancy, she will finish college, get a masters degree and be a professional high flier in the next 5 years.

This is why children shouldn't have children.

I must say it's great that she's sticking with college (though I know they kind of have to until 18 or something nowadays.)

She may well not regret this setup in future at all- after all, it's very convenient for her. If she's a decent person, she'll be very grateful for all you've done.

But you have a right to a life, too, and it must be quite exhausting. As others have said, you need to chat to her about it and design a plan.

Hi OP,
Your daughter and grandchild are very lucky to have your help and support but you do need to find a way forward to make sure that the child/mum relationship works so that little one can grow up happy and feeling loved and secure. You mention your concerns about your daughter experiencing regrets later. However as an outsider I would be more concerned about how the child will feel about their relationship with their mum.

That being said you can't force your daughter to have a good relationship with her child you can only nurture it. Your daughter may not be mature enough to be a good mum 24/7 and you are (wonderful and) willing to take up the slack. However neglecting her responsibilities entirely is not an option either. I think you and your daughter need to sit down together and form an agreement of when she will be responsible. If you ask her to help you work out a schedule of how she will balance her social life/college work and her child she will hopefully come up with reasonable suggestions. Perhaps three days in the week going out with her friends after college and 4 days being at home with her child and splitting each weekend day in half so she is either with her child all day and able to go out in the evening or out all morning and comes home in the afternoon to take over? Ask her what she thinks is reasonable time to spend with her child, bearing in mind she is at college and see what she comes up with. Encourage her to be realistic as a plan that she can't stick to could knock her confidence further.

For the child's well being I think it is vital that although the time with their mum may be limited that she has a warm and positive relationship with her. You can help by always being pleased to see her "here's mummy!" and "we've missed you mummy..." come and see what x wanted to show you" etc

I'm sure you are a wonderful mum to your daughter and that you support her relationship with her child well but it can be tricky to navigate this and not undermine your daughter as mum when you all live in the same house and you have the benefit of maturity and experience. It is important for your daughters confidence that she is "mum" and that you defer to her in decisions "we'll have to ask mummy what she thinks about that..../if you are allowed...../if you can have...."

You can boost your daughters confidence sometimes when you are all together by suggesting in the park for example "lifting you up - that's a job for mummy - nanny's exhausted!" or "mummy's the best at that" etc. You need to remind her what she is good at "mum has the best cuddles", "mum can always make you laugh.."

If you are kindly having the child overnight and during the day when your daughter goes to college I wouldn't worry too much about time together in the mornings/greetings etc as if your daughter is in a rush and not available really then that will probably be more disruptive for little one than low key and slipping out unnoticed.

Apologies if I am wrong but your post sounds a little like you would allow your daughter to opt out of being a mum and maybe take over the role? I do apologise if this sounds like a hurtful or spiteful comment that is not how it is meant but you have to be absolutely 100% clear to yourself and your daughter that you are not this child's mother. Your daughter is mum and this child needs her. You will be a wonderful loving and caring nan (and of course mum to your daughter)- but little one needs a relationship with their mum - unless the relationship is so toxic and negative that it will be more damaging to the child to maintain the relationship. If you seem to be offering to step-in as mum (even though not in name) then your daughter may consider that you would be a "better" one and leave you to it. She is mum and it is her job to be the best one she can be and yours as a caring nanna to help her to do that. Helping your daughter to be a good mum will be doing her far more favours than doing it for her.

I have worked in family support including with young mums who need support to manage, find their confidence and a positive relationship with their child and I think you can nurture the parent/child bond. A supportive nan and family can help this relationship to succeed where it wouldn't without support.

Unless you stop enabling her to be a dead-beat parent you and your DH are going to be raising the child! Time to toughen up!!

I agree @Nextphonewontbesamsung people on these threads always say ‘well if you stop doing the work for her she’ll start doing it.’ And what if that isn’t the case? What if OP’s DD doesn’t step up? For long should OP refuse to help the baby to ‘teach DD a lesson’? I very much doubt that OP wants to see baby ignored and neglected and that’s why she’s in this position now. It’s just not as simple as ‘withdraw your support and she’ll have to do it’

I'm sorry but you can't just expect people to give support, you're asking for opinions and advice - you may not agree with all of it in which case you shouldn't post.
Your daughter sounds like she needs to step up and take more responsibility to be honest. Yes, she's very young but plainly she made the decision to have the baby and therefore it's up to her to parent him, albeit with your support.
That doesn't mean just handing him over to you and going and living her life without a care in the world, that is not fair or reasonable. She sounds very childish if that's her attitude.

Also, it's not just a matter of her being a very young mother - she has split up with her boyfriend, the child's father fairly recently. Who was doing the bulk of the childcare while they were together? Could she be suffering from depression? (And please don't expose your ignorance by saying that she 'can't' be depressed if she's going out).

And I would still like to know whether she 'chose' to have a baby or not. There are still people who would prevent a teenager from terminating a pregnancy because, well, becoming a young parent and having to give up her social life is no more than she deserves for daring to have sex. Or, at least, some people are so misogynistically soppy about abortion that they would prefer this sort of thing to happen to a young girl rather than a quick termination and moving on with her life.

I know your post is about your daughter but it’s your grandchild I’m bothered about, must be super confusing.

If she doesn’t want to be a parent there are options for her- it’s worth discussing.

Because let’s face it, it’s either that or she takes responsibility, and if she can’t that poor child will have a really confusing upbringing.

Good luck to you all- it can’t be easy but absolutely no judgement from me.

So she had her baby at 15 ? My dd will be 15 in a few months, I can’t imagine she would cope at all, it would be DH and I parenting I think . I am your age Op, so I understand how tough it must be to be virtually bringing up a toddle again while also worrying about your dd who is still terrible young.
I have a friend who had her first baby at 17, and she had little help, she did it all herself, although she looks back and says that she was still a child. As pps have said, really she either has to embrace motherhood properly or accept that you will be the parent. It is a very difficult situation. I feel for her, wanting to still be a young girl, but also for you. Does she regret having a baby at all ?

You need to sit her down and have a long talk with her.
My sister had a baby at 16 she's a fantastic mother don't get me wrong but just lately the weekend rolls around and she wants a babysitter for the Friday night. I said to her how selfish she is being and she gave up the right to be a child when she had a child. Harsh but true

I was a single mum at 17 and didn't have an awful lot of help from my mum - I had a little flat down the road from her but she wasn't a hugely active grandparent - I was lucky to have younger teen siblings who could babysit though so I did used to get to go out every now and then. I had a little job and went to college/uni when my DD started school (I was 22). I think your DD needs a reality check - it is possible to be a mum, study and enjoy yourself but first and foremost her son needs her!

P.s my dd was almost 19 at the time. When she was 30 although working she did exams etc to get a career in her spare time. We are very close, and I still have dgd when she works if need be. As I said you can be there for them supporting them in the background. I feel it is you op that does not trust your dd to cope. You do need to trust her, she may surprise you! Let go a bit.

Hard lesson, but she does need to understand that her baby comes before her friends and her social life.

You looking after the little one to let her get to college is fine, it gives her the opportunity to make the most of her future. Tough love needed here I'm afraid.

She doesn't get up , until the last minute for college, doesn't come home to see him

Sorry but you need to toughen up here. I'm assuming that you had conversations with her while she was still expecting. Yes, she is still technically a child but she is also a mother.

You taking away all responsibility from her will not help. She has had a baby! She needs to step up and be a Mum. Help her to do this; don't just take over, then get resentful.

I think this is a very hard situation and your daughter and grandchild are very lucky that they have you.
Unfortunately I think that although well intentioned perhaps she needs to take a bit more responsibility for baby whilst at home or you need to stand back a little bit. In all honesty I am a 30 year old women and when I take my children to my mother's she does often take over a bit. It's only natural you want to help her. As you have offered that support she doesn't know any different.

Based on most ic the threads on here about teen pregnancy, she will finish college, get a masters degree and be a professional high flier in the next 5 years.

^Ha ain’t that true

She must have been not quite 16 when she got pregnant. Did you all sit down and talk through how it would work being 16 and rearing a baby? Did you discuss how much support she would be getting?

Honestly, I would hate this life for my 16 year old and would have figured that I was going to be stuck as the primary reponsible caregiver for at least the first few years so she had a chance to be a normal teen/grow up. I wouldn't have liked it and would have hoped instead she would choose an early termination but I'd do a lot to make sure my grandhild was minded and my daughter had some sort of a life as a teen.

I'm going to sound harsh here, but she needs to step up. Her age is not an excuse. I'm sick of hearing excuses for young parents. I had DS at 17, live independently & while I have had DP, I haven't had the option of my mum helping. I have not had a 'night off' yet, he is 16 months. I wouldn't want to leave him yet. It sounds like you have been very generous with helping her, and she has become used to socialising etc, rather than adapting to her new role as a mother. Of course it's difficult, especially considering she has had a break-up at such a sensitive time. Have you discussed your concerns with her? How is she feeling, also? That may be a good place to start.