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Original poster

Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

152 replies

confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:34

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

OP posts:
Soola · 29/09/2019 23:36

He feels embarrassed about reading how wonderful he is?

What I find stranger than him not reading it is you not asking him why he hasn’t read it in over 5 months!

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/09/2019 23:36

Ouch. I'd be really offended that he couldn't be bothered to read it.
But 6 months ago ?
Ask him why

GaudyNight · 29/09/2019 23:36

I’m struggling to imagine the content. Did it have articles about his Iron Man finish times/golf handicap or something!

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Families
Fluffsmum · 29/09/2019 23:37

He might be embarrassed.

I'd be embarrassed by such a gift. It's obviously very thoughtful but if feel very weirded out by it and wouldn't like it. I also don't really like sentimental gifts, which I'd view this as. Could he be the same?

Horehound · 29/09/2019 23:37

Oh this sounds horrible. Does he understand it is about him and that so many people contributed?
Could you just say "I feel confused as to why you didn't read it and if I'm honest, quite hurt too. Why didn't you read it?" and see what he says?

Wonderland18 · 29/09/2019 23:38

It sounds extremely loving and thoughtful, it could be a case of your DH not enjoying the idea of feeling teary or sentimental. My dad wrote a short passage for my brother when he was 12 and he’s now 30 and still hasn’t read it but has kept it in a photoframe behind a family photo. He appreciates it but is uncomfortable with the sentiment

Helmlover1 · 29/09/2019 23:40

Not to sound impolite, but I think you need to accept that he didn’t like the present, otherwise he would have read it by now.

I have bought gifts in the past for people that have not been used, and it is hurtful but having said that, you can’t force someone to enjoy or use something! I’m sure you have also received gifts that, although may have been well-intended by the giver, you have not liked/enjoyed?

Pipandmum · 29/09/2019 23:42

If the articles are all about how wonderful he is and how much he means to the people who wrote it then he’s probably too embarrassed about the expression of emotion.

Trewser · 29/09/2019 23:43

If he really hasn't read it at all then he hates it and was hoping for something else. Sorry OP.

EskewedBeef · 29/09/2019 23:50

He's embarrassed and doesn't feel comfortable reading about himself, or he has read it and didn't like it so is pretending he hasn't to save your feelings.

To be fair to him, lots of people would feel weird receiving a written celebration of themselves. It would be a bit like reading your own obituary.

Expressedways · 29/09/2019 23:50

Most likely he didn’t read because he didn’t like it. I would absolutely hate it and I doubt I would be alone in being embarrassed that friends had been asked to write gushing articles about me. I wouldn’t ask him why as it’s obvious (although he might try to spare your feeling by pretending he’d forgetter all about it). Sorry.

Shodan · 29/09/2019 23:51

Whilst I think that it was a lovely thing for you to do, I wonder- is this something you would have loved? Is it his kind of thing?

Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:52

Articles were light hearted and fun on the whole. Hard to say more without being too revealing. Of course there was an element of sentimentality in the thought but also some standard for us gentle ribbing.

I have asked him - he is waiting for the 'right' time to enjoy it. He feels a little overwhelmed by the thought that went into it. He says he knows he will love it when he reads it but isn't ready to. I need to accept this but also wanted to see how much empathy there was put there for feeling hurt.

He is a big softy, so everyone thought this would be right up his street.

I feel quite embarrassed that I got it so wrong.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 29/09/2019 23:54

If my kids have me something like that then I would think "awww, cute" and I would read their little stories and look at their drawings etc. If an adult gave me that, that I'd have a hard time not making an "eh?" face upon reciept.

It sounds similar to those photo montages people do at parties. This are fun because there is a big group, laughing, joking, drinking and it's a bit of silliness. But the magazine on its own, as a present is a bit of an oddity and I wouldn't like it. He obviously doesn't either. And that's OK.

I understand that you put a lot of work into it, but he hasn't done anything wrong by finding it weird or embarassing. Sometimes gifts miss the mark and you can't blame the receiver.

Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:57

But yes. He hates it.

People weren't asked to write gushing articles by the way! I told nearest and dearest I was going to do it with the kids and if they would like to contribute anything they'd be welcome!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 29/09/2019 23:58

Well, it was a very thoughtful and sweet gift, but it is also A Thing He Has To Do. As in, read it, feedback to everyone, etc. You’ve given him a gift, but you’ve also given him a task, and he doesn’t want to be controlled about having to read it.

Maybe that?

Ebonyandivory2 · 29/09/2019 23:58

Not to be mean but I wouldn’t like that as a gift at all. It seems a little much especially since you got other family members to contribute. I’d be really embarrassed I’m afraid

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/09/2019 00:00

Also, since you’re a professional writer maybe it seems to be about you as well as him - maybe he feels you want praise for it and how clever you are etc? Adds to the dynamic.

I’m not saying that was your motivation btw and am sure you just wanted to make him feel special.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/09/2019 00:01

Why on earth wouldn't someone like a personal and handmade gift like that?! It's just pictures and words from people who love him, what could there possibly be to dislike.

He's being completely weird. Even if he 'didn't like' it for some obscure reason he could just read it and smile nicely and say thanks! Totally odd reaction.

Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:03

That's a good point about it being a 'a thing for him to do'.

We always make gifts for each other - poems, pictures, stories, jewellery so it isn't a completely out of character birthday present.

Have just told him I won't do anything like that again as I clearly misjudged it. He sighed and said he wouldn't want that. However perhaps he is just sparing my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:06

AC - a fair point but I have written things for him before...def wasn't my intention but can see how it could be interpreted that way. Oh bugger.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:08

My kingdom ...well that's the page I was on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
MissLadyM · 30/09/2019 00:09

I understand his feelings. Sorry but it's a bit naff & cheesy

Lulualla · 30/09/2019 00:15

Kids writing a story for dad - cute and lovely.

Mum writing and editing a magazine, and roping family into it - sort of shining a spotlight onto you, rather than something be would like.

These things work when they are unpolished and sweet things from children. You made it glossy and polished and not really whimsical anymore.

Maybe just a case of good base idea but poor execution.
Or he really is just shy and embarased.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 30/09/2019 00:15

Maybe he just hasn't got round to it. I have a book I contributed to on a shelf in my room, its been there 3 years, I still haven't read it. I also have a scrap book of articles about me that my sister put together, I haven't read that either (I'm not famous, it was from some campaigning I was doing) I love that I have them, at some point I will read them, but I just never seem to be in the mood when I have time.