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Original poster

Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

152 replies

confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:34

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

OP posts:

Carthage · 30/09/2019 05:48

OP I'm afraid you're coming across a bit like it's all about you. And maybe he feels that by producing the magazine, which is what you do for a living, you're making his birthday about you too. Especially as you keep wanting -praise for it- him to read it.

Just let it go and don't mention it again. Every time you mention it you're sounding like you're guilt-tripping him.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 30/09/2019 06:07

I'm afraid I would cringe myself inside out if someone did this for me. That said, I would read it to be polite and thank them fulsomely before putting it somewhere I never have to look at again. Being an adult means having to do this sort of thing from time to time, so I do agree he should have read it for the sake of marital harmony.
That said, once a gift is given it is no longer yours, so I would try to
let go your feelings of disappointment. We can't be right about things all of the time.

Also - and I am going to be this person, sorry; but you do say you are a professional writer- the word you need is uninterested rather than disinterested.

GreenFieldsofFrance · 30/09/2019 06:12

I've done something like this a couple of times, not exactly the same but along the same lines. The first time let's just say he was obviously underwhelmed. Made all the right noises but if I threw the item away now he'd never ever realise or care! It's a bit embarrassing but what can you do. I'd just leave him to it now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

CupoTeap · 30/09/2019 06:19

You've got your answer, you need to leave it now.

FenellaMaxwell · 30/09/2019 06:22

You are coming across as so me me me. “I’m a professional writer” “I told him I wouldn’t do anything like that again” - it’s a sentimental gift, it doesn’t magically gain value because of your profession. And stop trying to guilt trip him because you are seeking approbation. Many, many people would find that a tweet and embarrassing gift and clearly he’s one of them. You can’t force him to read or like it if it makes him feel uncomfortable just because you want a pat on the head for your writing.

LoreleiRock · 30/09/2019 06:35

Also - and I am going to be this person, sorry; but you do say you are a professional writer- the word you need is uninterested rather than disinterested.
Um what Lady?

QuaterMiss · 30/09/2019 06:35

you're going to want him to tell you which pieces of writing he enjoyed the most and why and then your probably going to ask him why didn't enjoy the other parts as much. Rather like a university exam ...

Abso-bloomin-lutely.

I would have hated such a gift! It smacks of the giver hitting one over the head with a bat, saying “look how clever I am!” And creates such a weight of obligation.

The thing is - the first words of your OP were In a nutshell, I write for a living. If you had any other job the gift might just have been acceptable - as it is (I’m really sorry!) it would have felt, to me, like heavy handed overkill. He probably already knows you write for a living ...

Trewser · 30/09/2019 06:36

I don't like the way this has started to blame the OP. I think it's a really strange way to behave (dhs reaction). Does he have form for being a drama queen?

Vanhi · 30/09/2019 06:53

He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit

However outwardly confident someone is, they would probably find a present like that difficult unless they were actually quite arrogant. If there's "gentle ribbing" in it I would be worried it was a pisstake. I'd be worried about that with my family as they have form and I don't like it. However gentle they think it is, it still feels like they're laughing at me in what is at best an unpleasant way.

Also OP a lot of this does seem to be about you, your effort in making the gift, your reaction, your confusion. For whatever reason, he finds this difficult - he is allowed to find it difficult.

peachgreen · 30/09/2019 06:54

Lady is right but perhaps doesn't realise that professional writers have editors for a reason and the two are very different skill sets!

OP, he's been rude. Sorry, but he has. Even if he didn't like it, he should still have read it as soon as possible. You, your children, family and friends put a lot of effort into it and regardless of how he feels about it, he should have the good grace to set that aside and show appreciation for something his loved ones have created for him. I don't know what the answer is without making it into a big deal, but I totally understand your feelings.

DecomposingComposers · 30/09/2019 06:55

Does he have form for being a drama queen?

How is he being a drama queen? Surely he's being the exact opposite. There's only 1 person making a drama out of this.

He was given a present that, for whatever reason, he doesn't like very much.

He's said thank you, he's been polite about it and has said that he's put it away to read when he is ready. He didn't shout about getting the wrong present, or burst out crying or throw it into the bin.

I don't think you should give a gift with strings attached. You should give it with live and with no expectation of getting anything back. However the op does want something back. She expects her DH to live it as much as she does, to be gushing in his appreciation for what she did. So this present is more about her than it is about the recipient.

He just didn't like the gift. He hasn't been horrible about it. Just let it go now.

HelloCheeky · 30/09/2019 06:59

I find most of these posts really odd!

OP went to a lot of effort to make a thoughtful gift and her DH hasn't bothered to look at it properly. I think that is odd, though some of of the posts here sort of explain why he might feel uncomfortable about it. Even if he did feel uncomfortable though he should still go through the motions of having a look and thanking her because that's what decent adults do.

I am also indignant on OPs behalf that people have been rude to her on here and questioned her motives. It's adding insult to injury.

FredaFrogspawn · 30/09/2019 07:01

I would let it go too unless it is clearly part of a bigger, unhappy thing.

DecomposingComposers · 30/09/2019 07:05

OP went to a lot of effort to make a thoughtful gift and her DH hasn't bothered to look at it properly

But isn't the whole point of a gift that it's about the recipient rather than the giver?

What if the DH spent a lot of time and money buying the op a gift that she really hates? Maybe it's a piece of jewellery that she really doesn't like or a gift experience that she would hate to do. Would you expect her to wear the jewellery or do the experience even though she really doesn't want to because of the time and money spent buying it?

meuh · 30/09/2019 07:10

I think it's a lovely present and I would probably read it straight away, then reread it more carefully later on in the day. I'm really surprised how many posters on here say they wouldn't like it. I would find it funny and touching. Sorry it's not had the reception you hoped op!

I think some of the posts on here are a bit unkind to be honest. Even if the op's DH didn't like it, it was obviously made and given with nothing but good intentions.

LenoVintura · 30/09/2019 07:10

Maybe he didn't like getting his obituary as a birthday gift? OP has made a mistake with the present, DH doesn't like it / doesn't get it / isn't interested in it. Meh 🤷‍♀️ Shit happens.

Dyrne · 30/09/2019 07:11

I think that sort of thing is a bit awkward to read as well - you feel like you can’t read it at the time of being given it because you’re at a party/dinner or whatever and don’t want to be seen to be ignoring your guests; but on the other hand you do feel like you need to read it in front of the person who gave it to you so that they can see you react to it.

So not only does he need to find time to read it, he now needs to make sure it’s a time when you're free as well, so that he can react accordingly and make all the right noises - and probably do it at a time he’s going to be with each person who wrote each article as well. Also complicated by the fact that the longer it’s been since the present was given, the more awkward it is.

Just look at this thread - people are calling him selfish and horrible for not reading it, for not performing as expected. It’s one thing to do it for a one off ‘article’ about himself, but he’s got to do it for an entire magazine’s worth!

You have made this about you as well. Yes it’s a bit deflating when you realise you've got it wrong with a present, but there’s really no need to guilt trip him about it. Just quietly make a note to not do anything similar in the future.

Durgasarrow · 30/09/2019 07:12

I just went to a wedding and listened to speeches made about the couple. My god they were painful. Maybe that was how he felt.

adaline · 30/09/2019 07:12

I'd be so embarrassed if someone did something like this for me

Maybe he feels the same?

LadyOfTheCanyon · 30/09/2019 07:20

@LoreleiRock The OP used the word Disinterest in her post when the word she was looking for was uninterest. They are often confused. I try not to be too much of a twat about SPAG but also every day's a School day and all that.
@peachgreen Ah an editor, of course! That didn't occur to me, thanks.

joystir59 · 30/09/2019 07:22

Might he just find the whole concept embarrassing/boring? Especially if you've written stuff for him before.

Aria2015 · 30/09/2019 07:26

Could it be it's not his thing? Sometimes we get gifts that we ourselves would love and appreciate but they're not the sort of thing our partners would necessarily love and appreciate?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/09/2019 07:28

Done by a child, this would be a lovely gift, but I would hate it from my DH. I'm struggling to imagine the content of an entire magazine about one man and a sport that he does - how many ways are there of writing about that? Ironically, in a gift that is literally all about him, it is metaphorically much more about you: he has to read it and praise you for your writing and for all the effort you went to and then he has to speak to the other contributors and if he hates having something that is All About Him (and it seems quite a lot of us would) he has to fake all this excitement and appreciation. It sounds exhausting.

meccacos2 · 30/09/2019 07:28

I may be alone here ....but here goes.

To me, that isn’t a gift. It’s a project all about you. It is something you did to get attention. It’s not anything the recipient actually wanted - it was a project for you to display your accomplishments in writing about sport.

If someone did this to me - I wouldn’t read it either.

Nottheduchess · 30/09/2019 07:30

I'm not sure if I'd like one of these for my birthday but I'd read it and I would appreciate the time and effort that had gone into it because I'm a grown up! Even if he doesn't like it, it's rude to just put it aside and ignore it.
Maybe he's sulking because he was expecting something else for his hobby...
It's cycling isn't it....it's always cycling.

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