Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

[confusedaboutgift]

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

My OH would absolutely love this and bore all his friends with it for years to come. It was a lovely idea, you're over thinking it and so are a lot of people on this thread.

What kind of family background does your DH have?

For people who don't come from homes where there is a lot of love and care, being loved and cared for can be somewhat overwhelming and confusing.

That doesn't mean it isn't a lovely idea that means a lot to him! You've not done anything 'wrong'.

For me, this would just be too much and I wouldn’t want to read it either. I would stick on a smile and silently die of embarrassment every time I saw it.

It’s a lovely thought but maybe you misjudged whether he would actually like it or not.

I think he should have at least read the kids bits. It's the thought that counts and even if it's not his thing youd think hed have flicked through it so he could at least say he has. Honesty is best he should have said I love you but this isn't my thing him setting it aside for months then saying he will read it just makes it worse rather than him just being honest. I wouldnt like a book about me though neither would my partner I'd feel so awkward so I can understand his feelings but I do think he could have read the kids parts. Just let it go if it's been this long maybe just get the kids to do pictures in future.

Please stop talking about it whether that be asking him to read it; telling him you're disappointed; telling him you've misjudged it and won't do it again. That's all putting pressure on him. If he'd wanted to read it, he would have done by now. I agree with a PP that it seems if he reads it, he then needs to give detailed feedback to you and everyone else.
As a writer, I can see why you enjoyed the project but that doesn't mean you deserve feedback. Ultimately some gifts are liked better than other's.
Our family used to have a tradition of doing something similar but the DCs read certain paras out at the family party. Everyone cooed and laughed over it. Then the recipient took the book home to read or not read at their leisure.
You need to reframe your thinking about it. You enjoyed putting it together. The family and friends enjoyed writing their articles. From that pov, it made people happy. They don't need insincere gratitude from your DH.

I think it's an important issue.

To those who say, 'Oh no, it's cringe-making. It's all your fault', my response is that there's lots of things which make some people cringe.

(I'd never put up wedding photos in a place where other people would see them, for example.)

But there's basic good manners. If someone gives you a present, you say 'Thank you.' It's what most of us teach our kids to do. We're aware that present involved time and effort - and even if we might have wanted something different, the right thing is to look at the love which went into the gift.

So there are a couple of options. Plan A would just be to give socks/pants/gift vouchers - 'nothing presents' - on future occasions, so that the ungrateful partner realises the difference between a present that's given with love and the one that involves no effort.

Plan B, which might not be implemented straight away as everything seems a bit fraught right now, is to try and work out why the communication in your relationship isn't really working at the moment. (I'm assuming that you're unhappy and I don't think we should minimise/deny our own unhappiness.) Maybe the two of you can do this by yourselves. Or maybe you need some help from outside.

He must've had a look through it. He's probably read bits and pieces in private as well. Maybe he looks upon it as a novelty and something to keep and look after rather than viewing it as a dog-eared magazine intended to be read from cover to cover. Maybe he's treasuring the item.
In any case I'm sure he'll have appreciated the gesture as you've gone to time and effort over it.

I think it's a lovely idea that shows a lot of thought. I sometimes get gifts I really like but I don't use them until I am ready and have time to enjoy them. DP then assumes I don't like them ! I got a lovely leather bound notebook,from a relative, for a special birthday. It's too nice for shopping lists so I am saving it for something special.

God talk about overthinking 🙄. Of course he could have flicked through it. If he’d done that as soon as he opened it, all this hand-wringing angst would have been avoided. Why the fuck would he need to “process it”? It’s a fun birthday present not a UN Peace Treaty ffs.

Sorry OP but I would absolutely hate it. And for those being all brisk and saying get over it, he should appreciate it etc - there would be more to it than that for me. I'm perfectly capable of appreciating stuff like that when the kids do it - but part of the reason I'd hate my partner doing something like that is that I would feel really cringe that they had thought something so naff was a good idea! - I would find it grim that our ideas of what 'works' for us were so far apart, iyswim.

And family contributing to it... oh dear god...

is it just me or is this a bit of a gift that's about you...... there is something... showy offy about it? you have made a present that you've put a load of labour and 'skill' into.. so really it's a lot (more? just as much?) about admiring you as it is him. hmmmmmmm. i don't know. i'd feign appreciation but sentimental gifts like that aren't really my cup of tea..... i also don't like having to keep things lying around that don't have a use. is he a sentimental person?

OP, is it because you wrote ‘Issue 1 of many’ on the cover?

I know you said you'd made gifts for each other before OP, but this is so centered around you as a writer and not him. Expanding it to family and friends is also an issue as I think he's found that very embarassing. It is the kind of thing you like to do, not him - so don't pressure him to read it and just move on. It does sound like you are asking for praise and reassurance, which is a bit unfair about a birthday present.

Just move on and don't mention it again.

It's simply impolite to not have read it by now, he's an adult, so any internal cringe needs to be got over and the obvious effort appreciated.

^This.

My DDs and I made DH a golf magazine up once, did his photos on the front cover and some jokey made up articles then had it properly printed. He was completely made up, and has framed it.........!! It's on the wall at work and he still shows it off to clients

DH and I have both got presents "wrong" over the years, and you just have to say to each other "I appreciate your thought, love, but that really isn't me" sort of thing and we sort it out. There is no place for dishonesty in any marriage. The fact he's not made any effort to read something that not only you but others have made an effort with is just rude beyond words. I'd shred it tbh, and never mention it again.

OP, is it because you wrote ‘Issue 1 of many’ on the cover?

Maybe he thinks it's going to be annual thing?

Honestly, OP, there are a lot of 'shoulds' on this thread. How people respond to presents they feel are 'wrong' is one of those things you can't predict.

My father is an extremely difficult person to buy presents for, and me and my siblings have always ended up having to put a lot of thought into them. He likes to log his walking distances, so we bought him a good-quality belt pedometer. Within a couple of hours he had used it on one walk, then drove the same route, and proclaimed that the pedometer wasn't accurate and threw it in a drawer, where it languishes. Similar for various other expensive gadgets.

He'd expressed an interest for years in researching family history, so we clubbed together and bought him a place on an evening class at the local university taught by a local historian he likes. He attended for two weeks, then complained that the parking was too difficult (it's within walking distance of my parents' house and on a bus route) and never went back.

He likes reading crime novels, so another time I got him a book token, and he looked at it in total bafflement and said 'Why have you given me this? I can get all the books I want for free from the library!'

Not relevant to your situation, but some people are just crap at being gift recipients.

Why the fuck would he need to “process it”? It’s a fun birthday present not a UN Peace Treaty ffs

My thoughts exactly. He sounds unbearably precious.

I think he's being really bloody odd about it!

Was it his only present? Was he expecting something else and is disappointed?

You write for a living and wrote him a made up article about himself. I’m sorry but In that position I wouldn’t think much effort went into the gift. It’s like me, being a banker, offering to give free money management or investment advice to someone unasked.

I think he’s being really rude and it was a lovely present!

Was it a landmark birthday? I could sort of understand such a gift for one of those but not if he was 42 or something.

Second sentence of the OP, it was a "significant birthday".

I would feel disappointed by his actions. I had something similar when I got married. The night before I gave DH a handwritten - on-special-paper copy of a poem I'd written when we'd started going out. I'd never shown it to him before. OK, it might not be award winning, but it's certainly not bad, and very personal. I thought it would be a bit romantic.

He put it down and said he'd read it on honeymoon. Honeymoon came and went and it was still untouched. I asked him, he'd 'forgotten about it'. Still didn't read it. We had some marital problems and I decided I didn't want him to have it anymore, as I felt exposed and vulnerable with it, and the issues were caused by him always choosing not to be emotionally exposed - there was an imbalance. I took it back, without him realising. He's never mentioned it and probably doesn't even remember he had it. He's since has counselling for childhood emotional stuff. So he's a bit 'better' than he was. But I still feel that disconnect with this kind of thing and it disappoints me.

Also disappointed with the lack of empathy to at least be aware of appreciating the effort and trying to show some gratitude.

So there are a couple of options. Plan A would just be to give socks/pants/gift vouchers - 'nothing presents' - on future occasions, so that the ungrateful partner realises the difference between a present that's given with love and the one that involves no effort.

Jesus, don't do this.

There's a lot of projection going on here

A LOT! And some mumsnetters clearly have some major issues!!

What if the DH spent a lot of time and money buying the op a gift that she really hates? Maybe it's a piece of jewellery that she really doesn't like or a gift experience that she would hate to do. Would you expect her to wear the jewellery

Yes! I'm pretty sure this is quite a common occurrence! And most people are capable of doing the polite thing and occasionally wearing the jewellery. It's really not difficult, and reading a little magazine is even easier!

Goodness! Some very lovely and thoughtful comments, thank you. Some made me laugh out loud at the projection and assumptions made!

Generally fine about the birthday, generally loves a bit of attention, always prefers something home made to bought. . . on paper this gift ticked a lot of boxes.

I haven't asked very much about it all. I can't remember exactly, but I won't be mentioning it again. I think that is wise.

I think I did misjudge it! That said, I do not expect a book review from him, or even any discussion around his favourite article. I don't need or expect him to praise my writing. Def not a university exam at the end of it. I promise. :)

I genuinely hadn't considered it being about me in terms of its creation.

Someone mentioned an 'unsaid' rule. Our family doesn't work on the dynamic you describe, no rules were broken in the making of this gift.

The post was all about me though, how I was feeling and how I was reacting. I posted here to help me figure out if my reaction was justified or not. If I were a baker and I had baked a special cake I wonder if people would feel that was making a birthday about me? I didn't expect gushing praise, but I did expect him to read it. Especially the bits from the kids.

Re: uninterested and disinterested. Yes a slip of thought as writing. It happens and it's why I proof read before an editor as well as after. Luckily I don't have to send my online posts off for editing before I submit. My brother loves to find a typo in my work - he'll be sorry to have missed it.

I was trying to have an open and honest discussion with my husband and to reassure him that I would try harder with his gift next year. That I wouldn't do something like this again as it hasn't gone down well. Only on mumsnet could that be interpreted as manipulative.

For those of you thinking this gift was showing off on my part. It really wasn't. He loves my writing normally and has said things along the lines of "I wonder what you would write about me if you ever did . . . ". I did this with the best intentions, thinking about him.

He's not drama like at all. We are very happy together and communication is normally good.

I have a butterfly hair pin from him. Not my taste but I do wear it occasionally as he bought it with love.

I promise you all it reads nothing like an obituary! The reason I mentioned I am a writer was because I wanted people to know it had been done carefully and with some talent. Not like the wedding gift mentioned.

No issue 1 of many of the front.

I hope I have replied to all the queries and questions. I am NOT going to mention it again to him. I won't buy him socks for Christmas either . . . I'll make him a Christmas cake like I usually do. That won't be left longer than a day for sure! Thankfully a long standing gift that I know he likes.

PS: Purposefully not triple checking for typo's. It would be cruel to rob people of the opportunity to point out an error. I know people love it!