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Original poster

Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

152 replies

confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:34

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

OP posts:
lborgia · 30/09/2019 00:17

Mm, if someone has gone to that much trouble (and it’s not just op its the whole family), you stick a smile on, and say “this is incredible, I can’t believe you went to all this trouble”.

If prompted later, you could say “I feel completely overwhelmed by it, and as if it might make me cry, so I’m too scared to read it”, or you down a large whiskey, and just work through the 5 pages of quotations, and then you know. Seriously!

May just be me, and the year I’ve had, but I’d think it was a bit like reading my own eulogy Smile

Lulualla · 30/09/2019 00:17

Oh, and now saying "I won't do anything like that again, clearly I misjudged" is also making it about you. He hasn't gone on about it. He hasn't made fun of you or judged you. He said thank you and quietly let it go. You're trying to create guilt.

It was a gift. It was months ago. He isn't saying anything. Just let it lie and move on. No more passive aggressive, guilt extracting "clearly i ruined your birthday" comments.

Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:22

I didn't say I'd ruined his birthday. I know that's not the case and haven't suggested anything in that way. We had a lovely time celebrating!

I only meant to reassure him 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

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Families
OkayGo · 30/09/2019 00:22

I can see it’s really thoughtful, and i understand why you did it. Was it his only present?

I’d feel a bit overwhelmed by this sort of thing, I would read it (on my own) and then I’d keep it in a memory box. But when I received it I would say OMG thank you so much, and maybe flick through it quickly.

Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:25

Narwhal - that seems to his POV too. It is on his book shelf to be read pile. I was just starting to feel disgruntled about the time it seemed to be taking.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedaboutgift · 30/09/2019 00:26

No, not his only present.

OP posts:
Sotoes · 30/09/2019 00:27

My DD is very sentimental and writes very loving things in my birthday cards. I appreciate them and keep them always, but I really hate opening them, in fact opening anything if people are watching and waiting for a reaction, I really don't like being the centre of attention.

Is it possible he's already read it secretly, is flattered, and a bit embarrassed, so doesn't want to talk about it?

Herocomplex · 30/09/2019 00:30

How is he in general about the birthday number? Is he finding it hard? It might be a feeling about getting older?

Sotoes · 30/09/2019 00:32

Cross posted OP, If it's in his pile to read, I bet he's looked at it already.

Blondebakingmumma · 30/09/2019 00:33

Was it for a significant birthday? Maybe he is not coping with turning older rather than the gift?

SummerPlace · 30/09/2019 00:36

That sort of gift would be agony for me. I can't even bare to look at pictures of myself. Never taken a selfie, and haven't looked at old photos in over 20 years.

Interestedwoman · 30/09/2019 00:40

I would think his reaction a bit weird too. Is he a bit stressed/depressed or something?

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 30/09/2019 00:43

My husband wouldn't like this. He hates being the centre of attention and would feel embarrassed. He'd probably set it aside telling me he will read it later when he can take it all in.

He'd appreciate the time and thought that went into it and wouldn't want to hurt my feelings by saying he doesn't want to read it or doesn't like the gift and hope I don't bring it up again, I'd maybe ask him a week or two later if he liked it but if his face showed he felt awkward I wouldn't mention it again as I know asking several times will build him reading it into an event if that makes sense.

If you've been asking a lot of he's read it and have now said you're not going to do it anymore it kind makes it about you.

I think I'd just not mention it again.

SmoothLawAbider · 30/09/2019 00:48

If someone did this for me I would read it immediately! Even not reading it by the end of the day is a bit weird.

defineme · 30/09/2019 00:54

It's simply impolite to not have read it by now, he's an adult, so any internal cringe needs to be got over and the obvious effort appreciated.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2019 00:55

Please do not feel embarrassed. It was a lovely thought. Thanks

NarwhalsNarwhals · 30/09/2019 01:03

It is on his book shelf to be read pile. I was just starting to feel disgruntled about the time it seemed to be taking. My pile of things to read is very large, I really wouldn't be disgruntled in this case. Mine generally goes down around Christmas when there is nothing good on tv.

3dogs2cats · 30/09/2019 01:24

I was given a portrait of me, by my best friend who is an artist. I have to have the thing up on the wall even though it makes me really embarrassed. It is a wonderful piece of art, but I am not a person who would have a picture of themself. Whole thing makes me knotted with self consciousness. It is a lovely gesture, but a bit like reading your obituary maybe he’s just not ready.

SmoothLawAbider · 30/09/2019 01:41

Whole thing makes me knotted with self consciousness. It is a lovely gesture

But you put it up anyway, because you're not a dick. OP's husband hasn't read it in FIVE MONTHS. Put it on his "to read" pile like just another paperback.

Ozgirl75 · 30/09/2019 02:30

Maybe it’s just the sentiment. My husband organised a thing for me for a big birthday and it was such a surprise and SO far from a thing I would ever want to do that it actually caused quite a few problems in our marriage for a few months. He misjudged the present, I reacted in a way he didn’t expect because of my views of this thing (that he didn’t know) we both tiptoed around each other for ages before finally sorting it out!

So, my suggestion is if you’re still feeling sore about this, have a chat and get it sorted before it festers.

GloriousGoosebumps · 30/09/2019 04:09

I agree with Helmlover1, it's just not his thing. We've all given and been given presents that have fallen flat and it's not the end of the world, particularly as he was given other presents. The problem here is that he knows he can't just do the polite thing and pretend to have read it because it's clear you're looking forward to discussing it's contents in minute detail and he will be expected to praise your thoughtfulness in coordinating the contents and then praise the quality of your writing. He probably knows you well enough to know that you're not going to allow him to give general praise, instead you're going to want him to tell you which pieces of writing he enjoyed the most and why and then your probably going to ask him why didn't enjoy the other parts as much. Rather like a university exam. I know this is going to sound harsh but your ego is the thing that comes across most from your posts and I think you need to put it to one side and stop pestering him to read the magazine.

Having said all that, it probably goes with the territory when your married to a professional writer!

BlackCatSleeping · 30/09/2019 04:47

It’s an interesting idea, but I agree to just let it go. He will read it when he’s ready. This isn’t about you.

LoreleiRock · 30/09/2019 04:49

I don’t know many people that would like this kind of indulgent twaddle. I love a heartfelt message in a card or a book. But a cheesey made up magazine seems really over the top and the sentiment seems forced. Sorry OP but that is how I would feel, so I wonder if he also feels it is insincere in some way?

rosedream · 30/09/2019 04:59

I think it's because you got his friends and extended family involved. That's probably a step too far.
You and your children fine.
What you've done before has been from yourself or children that has been your family unit. You've broken that unsaid rule.
I personally would hate the fact you'd got others involved as I'd hate the fuss and it would feel false.

Jamhandprints · 30/09/2019 05:20

Have just told him I won't do anything like that again as I clearly misjudged it. He sighed and said he wouldn't want that. However perhaps he is just sparing my feelings

Stop being manipulative and guilt tripping. He's not your English teacher. He's said he'll read it when he's ready.

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