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Original poster

Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

152 replies

confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:34

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 14:44

If that's you OP, you've had a name change fail - report your posts to MNHQ and they will fix that for you if you wish.

ShadowOnTheSun · 30/09/2019 16:43

Different strokes for different folks.. I would absolutely LOVE a present like that! And I would never think its 'naff', 'cheesy' or 'embarrassing', but it's just me.

And IMO he's being rude. Like it or don't - lots of people (family&friends) thought about you, put effort and their heart in it. So read it and say thank you, don't be a precious diva about it, it's not going to kill you, really. 'Embarrassing'? Multiple 'you're SO amazing!' billboards on the street for everybody to see - that would be embarrassing. Not your nearest and dearest telling you they love you.

My family is like that. I used to try my best: I know what sort of things they like, so I used to put a lot of effort and thought in finding them the right presents, wrapping them nicely, etc. And always got a cold expressionless 'thank you'. So I give them cards with 'best wishes' now. I get the exact same reaction to it, so why bother.

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/10/2019 11:24

@ChicCroissant doesn't look like a name change fail to me, it's highlighted as the OP.

OP it's ridiculous that you're having to defend yourself for having given your dh a lovely thoughtful gift and to just be wondering why he hasn't even done you the courtesy of reading it! Only on MN

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/10/2019 11:38

Probably you're just overthinking it OP- he's just not that into it! It doesn't mean much more than that.

I'd hate to have received that in all honesty and would find it cringey in the extreme, with the real killer being the family contributions. I'd not want to read it either- it would be a bit painful and embarrassing to sit through. It isn't the ability of writing, it's just the concept. Nice from kids maybe, but not in an adult context.

Perhaps he read it in private?

I'd just never mention it again and not mull it over- it doesn't mean anything and I'm sure is about him and not you.

Funghi · 01/10/2019 11:45

I think you’re reading too much into it.

I wouldn’t like to receive a gift like that. It’s similar to passing a card around the office for everyone to write forced and cringeworthy messages.

It’s not his brew. Lesson learned.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 12:38

OOOOF that's one spiky update!

Several nerves touched in the responses to OP I see

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 01/10/2019 12:40

confused make him a Christmas cake like this, using the magazine cover.

Horehound · 01/10/2019 12:58

And im confused why you come on here positing about your hurt and confusion yet you refuse to ask the one person who can tell you.
Very strange, you seem Very strange indeed

Trewser · 01/10/2019 14:29

I liked your update OP.

SmoothLawAbider · 01/10/2019 14:44

OOOOF that's one spiky update!

Several nerves touched in the responses to OP I see confused

Yeah, lots of people replied with dumb and/or offensive shit, so OP got a bit defensive. Not really surprising

Trewser · 01/10/2019 14:48

Yeah, lots of people replied with dumb and/or offensive shit, so OP got a bit defensive. Not really surprising didn't they just!

Trewser · 01/10/2019 14:49

I mean a lot of people were posting dumb and or offensive crap.

ongranaryplease · 01/10/2019 14:57

Some weird posts on here thinking into this way too deeply as PPs have said. It was a thoughtful gift and even if he didn’t like it he should’ve flicked through it and just smiled and said he was grateful, as adults do when they receive something they don’t necessarily like but can see a lot of thought went into it.
His reaction is how I’d expect my teenage DS to react if I presented him with something like this for his 16th

Sagradafamiliar · 01/10/2019 15:03

It had been done carefully and with talent. Nothing like the wedding gift mentioned.

that's not very nice! That poster was empathising with you.

DecomposingComposers · 01/10/2019 15:17

There was a thread the other day from a poster who had wanted to have a weekend away with her dp to celebrate a big birthday.

Unbeknownst to her he had invited her family and children along to have a big celebration and she was upset that this wasn't what she wanted. So many posters were calling him all the names under the sun, telling her that he clearly doesn't know her and should take steps to put this right. A tiny number of posters told her not to be ungrateful, that it was a lovely gesture and he had gone to slot of effort.

Weird how 2 similar threads got such different responses.

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 15:38

Weird how 2 similar threads got such different responses.

Not really. The OP of the other thread had clearly expressed her desire for a childfree weekend with her DP in a particular cottage with a hot tub that she had picked out, and had arranged for her parents to do childcare that weekend. Instead the DP organised a family holiday with not only the OP's children, but his own children, plus the OP's parents, sister and BIL, and then told her at the last minute that not only was she not getting the weekend she'd wanted, she was getting one that was going to involve packing for and feeding and amusing children and relatives.

The only way that this thread would be similar is if the OP's husband had expressed a desire for a specific present a watch, a skydiving lesson, a weekend away and got a homemade magazine instead.

DecomposingComposers · 01/10/2019 15:57

I disagree.

Either you are expected to fake gratitude because of the amount of effort someone expended or you aren't.

The op here tried to do something nice but her husband didn't like it, just as in the other thread. The husband there tried to do something nice but the op didn't like it.

She said she wanted a weekend away just the 2 of them, which he arranged a couple of weeks beforehand. She didn't say I definitely don't want a surprise party weekend with all my family.

It's the same difference. Sometimes we give a present that falls wide of the mark. I don't think, beyond a simple "thank you" that the recipient owes the giver anything more than that.

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 16:04

I think there's a huge difference between getting a magazine which only requires someone to glance through it, smile and thank the contributors, and getting the 'birthday present' of a weekend which not only is not what the OP said she wanted and largely arranged herself, but which is likely to involve a considerable amount of work for the recipient.

Pinnacular · 01/10/2019 16:06

It had been done carefully and with talent. Nothing like the wedding gift mentioned.

Wow. That's a pretty rude assumption.

shock that's not very nice! That poster was empathising with you.

Thank you @Sagradafamiliar.

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 16:09

Come now, @Pinnacular. Post the poem and we'll workshop it.

Pinnacular · 01/10/2019 16:33

Come now, @Pinnacular. Post the poem and we'll workshop it. grin

oh my, can you imagine it! I'm half tempted for the sheer unintentional comedy of the vicious critique. But I'll pass with my sanity intact.

MulticolourMophead · 01/10/2019 16:49

I love the double standards on this thread.

The usual thing MN tells people when they get a gift they don't like is to say thank you and quietly put it to one side.

Which is exactly what the DH has done here. He hasn't made a drama, just quietly put it on his pile.

Yet pp are going on about him being rude by not reading it the second he got it. Yes, a lot of effort went into it, but it's no different to someone spending time and effort sourcing something that their recipient doesn't want.

He hasn't been rude at all, so I think all the guff about only giving him socks is pretty crap when considering he's only done what we tell others to do.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 17:41

People post on these threads and are influenced by their gut reaction on whether they'd like the OP in real life or not.

If the way an OP has written their post raises hackles, it's open season.

'Twas ever thus.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 01/10/2019 19:38

@Pinnacular it's possible the OP was referring to a crappy wedding gift mentioned upthread - a wedding book or something that someone had cobbled together with minimal effort or ability. At least, I hope so!

Pinnacular · 01/10/2019 21:13

Ah, yes. In which case apologies for assuming the assumption

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