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Original poster

Confused about DH's reaction to birthday present

152 replies

confusedaboutgift · 29/09/2019 23:34

In a nutshell I write for a living. For a significant birthday I wrote and edited a made up magazine all about him and his favourite sport.

His family contributed an article, close friends did and our children.

This was in April. He still hasn't read it.

I feel very confused about it this and am struggling not to feel hurt at his apparent disinterest. He is a confident guy, so his explanation of not feeling worthy of it doesn't fit.

Any insights wise Mumsnet?

OP posts:
meccacos2 · 30/09/2019 07:33

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

That is exactly how I felt!!!

I had to remember why I felt this way. I had a friend who made an wedding book for her sister as a wedding present.

She crafted it with zero craft ability. It was heavy and bulky with the glue and quite a mess. The fabric over the years would likely just attract dust.

The present wasn’t about the recipient - it was all about the creator - who wanted the praise for having created such a gift.

The recipient feigned interest - but I knew she wasn’t sentimental and it was something a child could have constructed.

SunshineCake · 30/09/2019 07:34

I would expect to give him points for an imaginative reason but no, he's a shit and doesn't deserve any more effort than socks and pants at every birthday and Christmas from now on.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 07:37

I also think he's being rude by not reading it and he is making a point to you, he doesn't want it.

On a personal level I'd also hate it. Many people would. I don't think it's a thoughtful gift, more a self serving one. It's less about what he wants and all about what you want.

Have you got previous for this sort of thing and he's getting sick of it?

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Families
rwalker · 30/09/2019 07:38

Move on he clearly doesn't like but being polite .

Backtoschooool · 30/09/2019 07:38

My first thought was he just couldn’t be bothered. He didn’t appreciate the thought or effort behind it so never got round to looking at it.

Trewser · 30/09/2019 07:40

To me, that isn’t a gift. It’s a project all about you. It is something you did to get attention. It’s not anything the recipient actually wanted - it was a project for you to display your accomplishments in writing about sport

That is a very twisted way of looking at it!

Dyrne · 30/09/2019 07:47

... and now look at how he’s being treated on this thread! Poor bloke got a bit of an overwhelming gift and has quietly put it aside to read when he can devote the headspace to it and process it; and now he’s being called selfish, sulking, a shit who doesn’t deserve anything other than socks... what a wonderful gift to bestow on your DH Hmm

Trewser · 30/09/2019 07:51

It would have taken him 25 mins to flick through, grit his teeth and thank everyone particularly his kids! Who cares if it upset his delicate sensibilities? It's extremely bad mannered.

Backtoschooool · 30/09/2019 07:52

Exactly, he could have flicked through it in minutes. He just doesn’t care.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/09/2019 07:53

I agree with GloriousGoosebumps and they wrote their post kindly, several others haven't. A few have used it as a real excuse to jab.

I'd let this one go now, OP. It's not going to be 'right' now however it happens. If he reads it, you'll not feel the same warm fuzzy feelings that you were anticipating when you were pulling this together for him. And you'd never be sure that he wasn't doing it just to please you. Not good.

I'd consign this one to the annals of birthday history and accept that your lovely intention missed the mark by a country mile and isn't to be repeated. I'd just shrug it off now.

LemonTT · 30/09/2019 07:54

I thought obituary too 😱. And you’re not meant to read them.

Honestly to me this sounds like a big misfire thing to do for someone.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/09/2019 07:55

To the posters saying he could 'flick through it', if you read GloriousGoosebumps's post, it explains why that wouldn't be possible.

This sort of gift is either the best - or the worst - thing ever.

Footle · 30/09/2019 07:57

It does sound as if it might read a bit like a eulogy.

Jocasta2018 · 30/09/2019 07:58

Was it a landmark birthday? I could sort of understand such a gift for one of those but not if he was 42 or something.
He obviously doesn't like it. He could've skim-read it just so he could make a few comments but he chose not to. So you've both misjudged things - you with the choice of present, him with his reaction to it.

I would just give him vouchers from now on for Xmas/birthday so he can choose himself something he likes. For his birthday, he decides how to celebrate it - no surprises from anyone, family or friends.
Let him do what he wants - at least you'll know he will be enjoying himself!

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/09/2019 07:58

He may be feeling hurt and angry that the person who is supposed to know him best got him so wrong. I have felt that way about a big present from DH before. I made the right noises and arranged my face, but it remains untouched in the attic.

Trewser · 30/09/2019 08:08

To the posters saying he could 'flick through it', if you read GloriousGoosebumps's post, it explains why that wouldn't be possible

What, the post that attributes certain behaviour to the OP, despite gg having no idea what the OP is actually like? Alright then Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/09/2019 08:12

It wasn't a jibe at the OP at all, Trewser or at you or anybody else. Just that the OP is very earnest about this present and a cursory flick-through wouldn't have been acceptable.

I picked that up from OP's first post and gg just articulated it really well.

It's been a long morning already, sorry...

londonrach · 30/09/2019 08:14

Its abit of a strange but throughtful gift from an adult and kinda comes across as you want thanks for your writing. Im sure he liked the idea of it. Tbh if someone done something like that for me id struggle to read it too. I be in tears.

Trewser · 30/09/2019 08:16

Maybe he wants to give the sport up!

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 30/09/2019 08:21

I'm surprised how many people say they would hate a present like that. I received a beautiful scrap book of my life put together by my mum and her friend for my 21st birthday and apart from my children and dog, it's the one thing I would grab if the house was on fire.

For my parent's 60th birthdays I made them photobooks of their lives, including letters, funny anecdotes or memories shared by as many friends and family as wanted to be part of them. So many people contributed and I know my parents treasure them. In particular my Dad who likes to show his to anyone who hasn't seen it.

Regardless of whether or not it's his cup of tea, it sounds like you put an awful lot of time, effort and love into creating something personal and special. For him to not even read it is incredibly rude in my mind and I would be offended in your shoes.

Benes · 30/09/2019 08:26

You sound lovely Op and he sounds a bit rude.

I would have loved a gift like that. Don't beat yourself up about it. It was a lovely thought.

Snog · 30/09/2019 08:29

It's not unreasonable for OP to expect DH to be honest about how he feels about this gift.
Eg I find it difficult to read praise for myself/ I'm upset that you asked my friends to contribute because it feels too vulnerable

Dyrne · 30/09/2019 08:32

The thing is, that’s really not the sort of present you can “flick through”, is it? You have to take time to give each article the attention it deserves. Multiple articles all written by different people aren’t going to be processed in a short space of time.

regmover · 30/09/2019 08:37

There's a lot of projection going on here. I think that he's an adult and, even if the whole thing made him cringe, it wouldn't have killed him to recognise the intention behind it and having a quick read. I'm sure everyone had been given a crap present in the past, but been polite about it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/09/2019 08:42

I have asked him - he is waiting for the 'right' time to enjoy it. He feels a little overwhelmed by the thought that went into it. He says he knows he will love it when he reads it but isn't ready to. I need to accept this but also wanted to see how much empathy there was put there for feeling hurt.

I'd feel the same. I'm fairly soppy at times but I'd struggle with this. It would feel overwhelming, and the additional pressure of knowing you're waiting for him to read it and give feedback would add to that... I think he's told you the truth. He's just not ready yet. That doesn't mean he doesn't like it; and you shouldn't feel hurt, although I can see why it stings. Some people just don't go for immediate gratification all the time.

I'd maybe try and walk the line of personal but not too full on with soppy presents for a while so that he gets things he loves but that don't push him into overwhelm. The idea of this magazine is really sweet but I'd be embarrassed and completely unready to read anything that soppy that family or friends had also contributed to; even if they chose to do it - my soppy side is almost entirely shown to fiancé only.

He will inevitably enjoy it a lot more if he reads it when he feels ready and wants to; rather than because you've forced him into it; and you put so much effort in that it deserves to be enjoyed.

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