I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

I’m not, as far as I’m aware, a rainbow baby and am lucky enough to have had dcs but not miscarriages or stillbirths. What you say resonates, I often wonder how it feels to lose an older sibling before you.

Both of my dc are rainbow babies but I have never called them that.

They are not a replacement for the baby I lost.

They are their own person who I love very much.

I've just had a 'rainbow baby' and also hate this term. My baby is not to be defined by the one before it!

Etino - thanks x

Soubriquet - precisely. They are their own, much-loved selves. No label needed.

Another thing which I have seen mentioned in terms of ‘rainbow’ babies is what it means. A baby following miscarriage, still birth or the loss of a child? I think it is wholly wrong to put those vastly different experiences under the same umbrella term (and then attach that label to another child).

Mine's a 'rainbow' too - but I dislike that term also.

A few of my friends have experienced the loss of their babies.
Some never choose to discuss this publicly.
Some of them choose to share their feelings about this online. From what I can see, this brings a feeling of community & support to others who have experienced the same loss.
Sometimes it's hard to read. Sometimes I cringe at the way emotions are expressed.
Sometimes I'm in floods of tears reading it.
Other times I think "I can't bear to read that just now" and scroll on.

Mostly I think they should be able to just do whatever they need to do to cope.

I don't think this makes them bad parents to their subsequent children.

I am so sorry about your dm’s loss and how this has affected you.

I don’t use that term, but had mc before my dc.

I can completely understand the level of emotion associated with hoping for a happy ending which is the psychological space the name comes from. I don’t object to it at all.

I think if it gives women comfort to use that term in support threads in here or in their heads that is fine.

I also think it’s ok to share the previous history with the new baby, provided it is done in a way that doesn’t overwhelm that child. We have an extended family member who had a still birth and the other children were always very aware of their older brother and there are photos of him in the house, but it hasn’t adversely impacted on them at all, as far as I can see (they are adults now).

I think the most important thing is that a mother is mentally ready for the new baby and able to care for them, which can be very hard to achieve. I think that is in part about good support, which can be lacking on the nhs where mental health services / counselling can be very difficult to access.

But I see that it would be odd to refer to an actual child as a rainbow baby. I guess that's one of the cringey aspects I was referring to.

I just assumed it meant that subsequent children were extra special and very precious so not necessarily a “replacement “.

I've never heard the term used out with forums. I always took it to mean a baby born after the storm. Not a replacement baby.

I can't imagine anybody actually use the term with a child.

I understand what you mean. There just seems to be an obsession for giving everything label. But I suppose it's a very short hand way of being able to explain a vast, awful experience in someone's life without needing to expand further.

Exactly crosser! What it is saying is - after all this trauma this is my beautiful baby

Like the beautiful rainbow after bad weather!

I think it's more to do with the relationship you have with your mum rather than the phrase rainbow baby. I don't mind the use of the phrase.

A vague friend lost her 2nd child to still birth and for the first year of her 3rd child’s life, every insta post made some 🌈 comment. I felt so uncomfortable with it for the reasons you describe.
Baby no 3 is an adored baby, wanted and loved so very much but in these social media everything online days, they’d know one day that they were only there because no 2 wasn’t
She seems to have stopped now and usually just hashtags #parentingafteraloss type stuff which is just much less I dunno. Making no 3 a replacement?

I just assumed it meant that subsequent children were extra special and very precious so not necessarily a “replacement “.

What is there are previous siblings though? Surely all the children are special and precious?

Who gave you the label OP?

I had many miscarriages, some third trimester and have never used or even given a second's thought to the term 'rainbow baby'.

@valleysareus you have a point but I hope that (after vast amounts of therapy) I can disassociate myself from my childhood issues long enough to say that as an adult and a parent myself I still hate the term!

I’ve never heard anyone say this in real life. Thank god, because I think the term is ridiculous. A baby is a baby is a baby.
People have miscarriages. Myself included.
My children who were born after this aren’t defined by what happened before their conception.
Each to their own of course, I just don’t buy into it.

Lassofthenorth - a silly question, not sure if you are trying to make a ‘point. No-one gave me that label as it wasn’t around when I was born (thank goodness). If I was born now the term rainbow baby could be applied to me.

Yy the #rainbowbaby is such a casual use of a weighted term.

I think one space where the internet and social media have been invaluable is in giving a place, anonymity and in some cases, additional language, for talking about grief.

Where it falls down is when peer pressure tries to add additional layers of meaning to somebody who suffers an experience or dares to makes a decision without consulting the hive mind.

I once saw a ludicrous thread where someone was very upset because a Facebook friend had said that her new baby wasn't 'a proper rainbow baby' because she hadn't named him Beau or something, therefore she wasn't properly respecting miscarriage loss....

A woman I used to work with had a 'rainbow' baby.

She gave her baby the first name of a relative who had died by suicide and the middle name of the baby whom she had lost.

While very much none of my business, I wondered if not having their 'own' name would have an impact on the child, who also tuned out to be an only.

Yes but it’s a stark reality that nothing is a given.

Kids before and kids after are of course special and precious.

Also, maybe some of these people should some thought to the poor women who never get the happy ending of a subsequent baby?

'No-one gave me that label as it wasn’t around when I was born (thank goodness). If I was born now the term rainbow baby could be applied to me.'

Stop labelling yourself in anyway what's so ever.

It's a bloody awful term. I remember that woman who has about 20 odd kids going into hospital to have her 'rainbow baby' with a blanket crotched with rainbows etc.

Fucking awful.