I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

I have a rainbow child though I've never told him that. I have no issue with the term though. There are still such taboos and social awkwardness around discussion of loss - women who miscarry frequently don't speak of it for fear of making anyone uncomfortable; people don't share pregnancy news until past the 'safe' 12 week window so no one has to be embarrassed by its loss. Having language - however 'cutsey', which rainbow baby arguably is - to talk about loss is important.

I suppose I'm one too - also born before the term came into use. And I suppose I have one too.

But it's not a term I'd ever use. Only came across it on the internet a few years ago and had to google it. It's not a term in common usage where I live.

I totally get what you mean op.

I am sorry that you have been dragged into your mothers grief OP and I'm sorry its had such life long consequences for you.

All 3 if my children are babies after miscarriages and, unless they ever specifically ask me as adults, they'll never know this.

I know MN dislikes the cutesy nicknaming and twee phrases "baby dancing" / "sticky dust" / "dtd" etc... [which I found abundant on pregnancy forums when I was pregnant with DC1] but I understand they bring people comfort - especially people who are long term trying to conceive / suffer recurring miscarriages.

However I would never have bought the terms to MN.

I also hate the term. I had a child who died not long after birth and a few people referred to my subsequent child as a rainbow. It enraged me, I think for 2 reasons: the connotations that a rainbow means the storm is over- it will never be over, that child is lost to me every day; and also the idea that my dead baby was a storm - no they weren't, they were my precious child.

Also, and I know people may disagree, but there is no clear definition for what constitutes a 'rainbow'. I really don't think an early miscarriage can in any way be equated to a neonatal death.

"baby dancing" / "sticky dust" / "dtd" etc

Uhhh!... "sticky bean... baby dust AF!!... Aunt Flo? AUNT FLO...Seriously?!!" I am so glad all that is behind me! It put me right off the pregnancy forums, I felt like they were full of young teenagers!

I’ve never referred to my DCs as rainbow babies although I see from Reading this that they technically are. DD after one miscarriage. DS after three more.

To me they are simply my children. I don’t mourn the children I didn’t have or remember dates etc I just enjoy the family I do have.

oh I hate the term as well OP.

pity it was ever used.

It makes me think of the line in Sex and the City when Carrie says "this baby is going to need a LOT of therapy" because Miranda's dithering about father figures or something.

Outside mumsnet, the only community I've heard using the term 'rainbow' like this are lesbian mums (meaning a baby from a same-sex parenting family).

I think people should use whatever terms they like, but it does strike me there's potential for confusion in both directions here.

I don't know if I qualify as a rainbow baby but my sister died two months before I was born. Dm lost a daughter and then gained another one. Dsis was one year old when she died. All the rainbow thing does is acknowledge yes the dead child existed.

Also the word is for the mothers benefit I believe. I can't speak for others, but for me it symbolises the time my body did right by me. After ds2 stillbirth I doubted my body a lot. Afterall, I didn't know I was carrying a dead baby and I needed a midwife to tell me. I just showed up to my appointment at 9.20 one day feeling slightly odd that baby hadn't move all morning. I always thought you would feel a baby die. Apparently my body failed to inform me that baby was in danger and then that he had died. No-one needs to tell me ds3 is not ds2. I know that. Even though ds3 pregnancy and birth were highly stressful it allowed me to forgive my body. Poor body didn't know anything, otherwise why would it make milk for a baby who is not there? Ds3 is ds2 younger brother. That is all, yes, I don't call him a rainbow baby but ds2 is sometimes mentioned, especially by ds1. Death is something we talk about openly and how everyone will go when their time comes. Ds3 don't understand who this ds2 we talk about is, but he is only 3. We are a religious family so we talk about heaven and hell. My dc didn't have anything to do with ds2 death. It is a fact of life, people are born and people die. Why is it wrong for mothers to use a word that provides comfort? Actually, it don't only effect mothers but the whole family. It is a positive word people use that provides them comfort in very sad situation.

@Onceuponatimethen thank you :-) i completely agree with you that grief is so personal and whatever helps an individual is fine by me!

I'm a rainbow baby apparently too. I'd never heard of the term before. My mum and dad lost three babies before me, the last lived 24 hours. I still know I was very much wanted and am adored.

I actually thought the term was going to be something to do with gay pride or something! I can't say I'd be upset or offended to be called a rainbow baby. Let's face it, your parents tried so hard and went through so much because you were so wanted..

@MutedUser did she have a chemical pregnancy before though? I agree, I dislike a lot of the terminology around loss, etc, and rainbow baby is difficult, but if she had CPs then I get it.

I struggle with a lot of the language used though, so I do know what OP means. I read on reddit recently about a lady who was upset by the term baby dust, after her still born baby was cremated. It made me more sensitive about using the term. It is a tough, tough, topic to talk about, and OP and others are right that sensitivity is needed, but also I think it is good/important that we do talk about this nowadays.

btw, just to clarify, my above post might read as critical or cruel, which is not the intention at all, I am just saying it's a difficult topic to discuss, and sometimes with difficult stuff we use euphemisms because they are softer and easier, but we don't always know the impact/implacations they have.

The term makes me uncomfortable.

People were using it to a friend who was of following a still birth.

It was as if the language of ‘rainbow baby’ was a way to say ‘light after the rain, it’s all alright now ‘ which of course it isn’t.

She will always grieve for her first born. Whilst loving her eldest Dd for herself.

I do agree that labelling a child according to a previous tragedy is ... not something I would want to do.

to all who have suffered and are suffering loss.

I agree, my DC are not rainbow babies, they are their own people (who I have been blessed with following several MCs). However, if other people use the term for their children it doesn't irk me or anything, if someone described mine as one though I would say.

I've always hated the term, tbh. It can weigh heavily on children when repeatedly pointed out, as the OP says, not to mention a lot of people may grow up to think they are only here because another pregnancy/baby didn't make it. If they had, they, the 'next' family baby, may never have been born, or maybe a next baby would have been welcomed at a different time ... which wouldn't have been them at all. It has to be a very uncomfortable feeling for them. :(

I've just realised mine could have been described as a "rainbow" baby, though I've only just learned the term, from your post, OP, and would like you to know that my living, now adult, child was never considered a replacement for the miscarried one, who all the same, still exists in their own right and is not forgotten.

I don't like the term and would never use it.

My youngest is just starting to struggle with the knowledge that if her brother had survived she might not have been born. I've never given her any inkling that might be true but I think it's natural for her to question things.

It's hard for her.

I was born 18 months or so after my brother died. He was 2. The term rainbow baby wasn’t around then of course, but as I grew up I was acutely aware of the circumstances.

My parents were and are wonderful whilst at the same time I often felt a weird sort of survivor guilt - as I only exist because my brother died.

So I can imagine that being explicitly labelled as a rainbow baby (in social media posts which inevitably children will access) could cause real difficulties.

I never hear that term in RL but I hate it. It's a blot caused by social media that all thoughts have to be accompanied by a meaningless meme. In reality, those memes are hurtful save for the few who don't think of anything beyond the superficial. Vile.

It puts me in mind of babies born specifically to save other siblings via harvesting of organs as a live donor, liver, stem cell, etc. None of that needs to be a meme either.

This is so interesting to read because I've been thinking about it a lot recently. We lost our beautiful DD at 31 weeks in March this year and I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant but I also really don't like the term "rainbow" baby.

I've seen it used a lot on social media for miscarriages and stillbirth etc. But it's just not for me. If it helps people to cope through their grief and anxiety of pregnancy after loss then that's totally up to them but I just can't bring myself to use the term.

All I can think about is that if we hadn't had lost DD then I wouldn't be pregnant right now (I wasn't planning on having any more children as we have a DS too so family was going to be complete with DS and DD) however unfortunately the worst happened but I am genuinely over the moon to be pregnant again and if all goes well we will have a much wanted baby to complete our family. I just don't want this child to ever feel like a "replacement" and I do worry if it turns out I'm carrying another girl that's how she might feel - obviously I'd never treat her (or him) that way! It's so emotionally hard when you sit and over think these things.

It's still very early on at the minute and absolutely nothing is guaranteed but if all goes well and I get my baby at the end I'll never refer to them as a "rainbow" or "miracle" just a much loved little brother or sister to DS and and hope they live a life knowing they're loved for them and not in any way a replacement or anything like that.

I’m a rainbow baby too. I’m also failing to get pregnant again after a miscarriage.

I agree that the thinking behind the term is unhelpful. As a child my mother was smothering. She hadn’t properly said goodbye to the stillborn baby she had before me and told me about him very early on, even to the extent of me understanding at a young age that I wouldn’t be here if he had survived.

It has taken me along time to understand why she told me these things. She never spoke to anyone properly about her loss. It really affected our relationship when I got into my teens.

But I can see now that having me was a replacement in her eyes and she was desperate to find somewhere to put all her love and grief. I think it is a really unfair thing to do to a child. My sister, who was born years later, had a very different relationship with my mum.

It is different with a miscarriage. My baby wasn’t quite a baby yet and I didn’t have any tangible connection to them. It still hurts. One of the things I’ve had to get past is the idea that getting pregnant again will make it all better and the bad feelings go away. It won’t.

I hate the term "rainbow baby". I had 3 losses before my DD was born, and people kept calling her one, and it makes me so angry. I like to keep my losses private - not one of these who pastes it all over FB - so when people put it on comments etc it's telling people, who were not aware, that I've had losses in the past.
Then you get people who have newborn photoshoots and revolve a lot of it around the whole "rainbow" thing. Just boils my blood. Don't know why it makes so angry, but it just does.

Just shows how out of touch I am - had never heard of that expression!

My first is a rainbow x4 then and my second just a rainbow.

My eldest knows about the previous 4 as it came up in conversation with one of his friends mothers when she had one. He has asked questions and I have been honest - he worked out that I would have had 7 children if all my babies had lived - he then said something quite profound - "thank you brothers and sisters for your sacrifice, because if you were here me and DC2 would not be - we love you!!"

I have never considered my DCs substitutes and the term can remain out of my house - each one is an individual and I celebrate them all.

I agree with you OP, I dislike the term. My younger Dsis is a rainbow baby, but as you say the term wasn't around in the 80s and I always thought of her as the replacement baby. I have sometimes felt sorry for her as she knows very well that she would not be here of my DB had lived. I know she also feels left out when we talk about him - he's as much her sibling as mine, but she had no relationship with him. I know she finds that hard.

I do use the term with others though, if they use it first; it is kinder than replacement, at least.