I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

It's not just an MN term.
I have a friend who lost her 4th baby at term and had one after, whom she refers to as her rainbow baby (not in his hearing).
She's never been near MN - but is in a FB group for mums who've had stillbirths and then subsequent babies. They all talk about their rainbow babies. It's an Australian group as well, so this term isn't limited to the UK either.

This thread is pretty horrible, especially the posters using it as a chance to tell women who have 'only' had miscarriages to shut up about it

It's interesting you say this. I have quite liked the term myself, the whole 'you can't have a rainbow without any rain' has helped me through my grief of multiple miscarriages - it's helped me see that i wouldn't have had him if my other pregnancies had worked out and I wouldn't swap him for the world and would go through it all again just to have him. I think the important part of your message is to make sure a child never feels like second best to what could have been and although I'd be open with my lo when he's older about my struggles, I hope he sees it as part of the journey to having him because that's how I see it.

@LisaSimpsonsbff I agree. I think the OP has issues with her childhood and feeling second best which has then been related to the 'rainbow baby' term (apologies OP if I have misread this from you).

I don't think the term is actually what a lot of people here think it is. It isn't saying the babies you have are replacements or second best, it's a nod to the sadness you've gone through because of course miscarriage and stillbirth are sad! And when you finally get your baby you do feel incredibly blessed and happy.

As for people saying it's cutesy etc well you're entitled to your opinion. Personally I think it's a nice way of remembering what you've been through to get to this point.

@Aria2015 sums it up perfectly.

Grief is so personal I don't think anyone should be shooting anyone down or mocking (which is how I personally feel some of these posts are coming across) anyone's way of handling life's worst moments.

This thread is pretty horrible, especially the posters using it as a chance to tell women who have 'only' had miscarriages to shut up about it

Yes, I was thinking that. It’s sad.

I have two born after losses. I don’t use the term ‘rainbow baby’ but I find it pretty mean to call other women attention-seeking if they do. The importance is in whether or not you’re treating the child as a replacement or as a person in its own right, surely? You can mess up your relationship with your future kids without once using the term ‘rainbow baby’, like the OP’s mum. Doesn’t follow that everyone who does use the term is being unfair to the child in question.

To listen to some people here the most appropriate response to losses is to shut up about it in case your other kids find out on Facebook one day and need therapy Or this:

I have always been aware of my mum's loss, but it was always put to me as "this needed to happen so that I could have the amazing child that is you" so it wasn't this thing that was shrouded in misery, it was a "this happened, but it's ok, because I got you from the aftermath"

Good for your mum if that’s how she felt, HerRoyalFatness, but there is no way I could ever present my own losses as things that needed to happen or that worked out well in the end.

Perhaps if a mother can rejoice and have a special relationship with the 'rainbow baby' they will put their grief to one side and give that child a better start than you had?

I'm sure these mothers don't go around introducing their child as a rainbow baby for very long, and the novelty would soon wear off anyway.

My mother had four kids and three miscarriages before I was born. I know I was an unplanned surprise and the drs advised her against having me and due to my health issues and the problems with my relationships with her and my siblings because of it I sometimes wish she hadn't.

One of my sisters has had seven miscarriages, five children and one abortion, another has had four miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. Another has had five years of failed IVF finally resulting in a baby. None of them nor my mother have ever used the term rainbow baby.

They have grieved the ones they have lost and loved the ones that they've had. I think reminding the child that they were the baby after the grief or more callously the failures puts far too much pressure on the child to be perfect and amazing.

Dd1 is technically arainbow baby but that term was not used when she was a baby thank goodness . I hate it too.

I've never used the term rainbow baby, and I actually do now see my three miscarriages as a necessary part of the journey to get DS (though they were early, so according to some on this thread I should actually just consider them late periods and am a pathetic human being for considering them sad events at all). I just have sufficient empathy and imagination to understand that other women might feel differently, and to not mock them for it.

I'd like to give a particular shout out to the poster here who was jealous of another woman who had a miscarriage because she got more attention than her, which is genuinely one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard, and the one who said that the only appropriate response to a miscarriage is 'mild disappointment'. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

Lisa Simpson I was one of the ones who said neonatal death and miscarriage is not the same and I speak from experience of both.
Both are sad (and potentially traumatic depending on circumstances) but they are different.

I don't think it is helpful to try and compare people's level of grief.

I also think that whether you give it a name or not the very fact that you have lost a foetus/baby at some point will have an effect on the subsequent baby as you are not the same person you were before the loss. This doesn't mean you see the baby as a replacement but it can (for example) make you more anxious.

I should have said I speak from experience of being both that sibling and as a mother.

I have never, ever seen a woman claim that her miscarriage was comparable to a stillbirth or neonatal loss. I've only ever seen the comparison made as a way to tell women to stop moaning on about their miscarriages

The idea that rainbow babies are “extra special” is damaging. Both my OH and I are subsequent siblings to those “extra special” babies. Our older brothers are both golden boys who can do no wrong and our lives are sometimes impacted by that with siblings who are pretty crappy to try and deal with. Our DD too has two uncles who pretty much ignore her because they feel we are supposed to do all the running, whilst our mothers look on and blame us for the poor relationships despite our efforts over the years to include them. My relationship with my sister, who was the middle, is really close and we often talk about how pushed out we were as children.

I can’t blame our mums for acting that way with our brothers, I guess it’s a bit of a natural thing to do after a loss, but it’s harder to accept that our mums have treated us so differently as children.

My mum’s first child was stillborn. We didn’t know as kids, I can’t remember how we found out, but I think it would have been difficult as a child to understand that you had a sibling but they weren’t there.

Mum only wanted two. I was an oops, and after me dad had the snip. It would be tough to realise, as a child, I wouldn’t be here if her first born had survived. Even as an adult, it’s not a nice thing to think of.

I think my second might be what’s classes as a rainbow baby? Maybe not though as it was a missed miscarriage. I only knew I’d been pregnant because I was mad with the early testing and seen a line that then faded and I had a period, got pregnant with our second the next month. Honestly though I don’t see what I couldnof had as a baby because like I say, I seen a line one day and it was fading the next time so I didn’t feel attached to it and I’m guessing many women have late periods that might have been a pregnancy but we don’t know. I think the term is okay but I personally wouldn’t use it. Well, actually I might but only if I’d been pregnant for a little bit and then lost the baby. The meaning I’ve seen used the most is that after trying for a while and losing a baby or two etc on the way and then finally this pregnancy went well and a live baby was the end result then I can see why people would use the term, I get how it can make you feel if you are that rainbow baby though and it’s been made clear your whole life that you wouldn’t be here if the one before didn’t die.

My MIL lost her first child at birth - she named her subsequent baby EXACTLY the same names as she gave the stillborn baby. Now that is freakout central for a child, I reckon!

That is a bit eerie. One of the names to be used is okay, I get that but all the names the same? It’s almost like replacement in that case.

the one who said that the only appropriate response to a miscarriage is 'mild disappointment'. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

It is important, though, to say that it is ok if your own experience was mild disappointment. I miscarried twice before I had DD, both really quite early (4 and 6 weeks) and I never felt it as a loss. My MIL was quite scathing of the fact I wasn’t deeply upset and grieving at a 6 week loss, that I felt it was just one of those things and we’d try again. She accused me of being heartless and uncaring. As a result, we just didn’t tell her of any other pregnancies until I was really far on. I couldn’t face her judgement. I do find people who don’t see their own early loss as a sadness, are judged unfairly.

For those that are saying using the term could mean a child grows up to think they wouldn't be here if their mother hadn't miscarried before them, surely that could happen regardless of whether you use the term on not by just having knowledge that their mother had miscarriages before them? In which case the only way to prevent that would be to never be open about any previous miscarriages?

It is important, though, to say that it is ok if your own experience was mild disappointment.

Absolutely. I actually was pretty sanguine about my first miscarriage; I was absolutely blindsided by my third and ended up in counselling. The important thing is to acknowledge that reactions are individual and shouldn't be judged or sneered at by anyone else. There's no such thing as being 'too upset' or 'not upset enough'.

Completely agree Lisa, my first one at 14 weeks was worse for me than the early third trimester ones, technically stillbirth, but they weren’t any worse for me than the late second trimester ones.

The one that put me in counselling was a missed miscarriage that became stuck in my cervix and I nearly bled to death, blue lighted to hospital from my GP’s surgery.

All different just as we are but I still don’t really understand the OP who has never been referred to as a ‘rainbow baby’. Sorry OP, I just don’t.

Good for your mum if that’s how she felt, HerRoyalFatness, but there is no way I could ever present my own losses as things that needed to happen or that worked out well in the end

And that's absolutely fine if that's how you feel.
The point of my post was to show that it isn't necessarily the term rainbow baby which is damaging. In my personal experience, I was not damaged by my mum's previous loss and was made to feel important, loved and wanted in my own right. Whereas my partner was made to feel like a failure because he hadn't replaced his sister.

So while I agree with posters here saying there is no right or wrong way to grieve, I can also sympathise with OP who feels rainbow baby is a loaded term which could lead to children feeling unwanted or as if they've failed to live up to their parents expectations.

Thefinalnamechangesurely

I think your post explains it beautifully. I think that’s how I see it and it’s meaning. I obviously can’t speak for others but this seems like how a woman I know sees her “rainbow baby” as well.

@Aaarrgghhh thank you, I was worried I wasn't explaining myself well (lack of sleep!) 😂

I don't introduce ds as my rainbow baby or call him it on a daily basis as some pps seem to think is what happens. It doesn't define my son, it's just a term I used at the time for myself and my dh. Of course all babies are miracles and special! After everything we had been through having ds was just the beginning of us becoming our happy family and to me the rainbow symbolised new life and new hope without forgetting our past.

I should clarify when I say 'without forgetting our past' this is not something I will be projecting onto my son, as I've said before I doubt I will ever tell him the full extent of it all. It is mine and my husbands grief not his and not something I will allow to shadow his childhood (other than the odd extra cuddle!) He is his own person and perfect in every way :-) privately I like to think (probably being silly so I have told no one this!) that he has a big sister watching over him somewhere even if he doesn't know it 😊 it's a comforting thought.

If he was to ask outright in the future or we were to discuss the fact that we did lose babies before him I would make it clear to him that everything in life happens for a reason. My own grandmother lost her twin very early in childhood and it led to her being sent away to live with relatives in another country and eventually when older she met my grandfather there. This obviously led to me! If her twin hadn't died I wouldn't be here today. Life is full of mysteries. I'd hope my son will know he is loved enough not to dwell on the 'what ifs' or that he wouldn't exist otherwise.

Sorry I'm babbling!!!

lisasimpsonsbff speaking a lot of sense on this thread.

I’ve never heard anyone use the term except on the internet.
I think it’s crass.