I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

Ive never heard anybody use that term, sorry.

My mother had 4 miscarriages between DB2 and me (10 years age difference between us. When I was born, she had conditioned herself to never "giving" my father the baby he so desperately wanted (DB1 and DB2 aren't my full-siblings, and DB2 was 5 when my parents got married). When she realised she was pregnant with me, she convinced herself that she was going to miscarry - went to the doctor and obtained tablets to "bring on [her] period", which didn't work. She didn't bond with me pre-birth at all, she had ante-natal depression which, in the 1970s wasn't picked up on, and then she had a gruelling 37 hour labour with me (I got stuck, essentially). She has said that she didn't love me at all, because she "knew" she was going to lose me pre- and post-birth. She had PND, from the sound of it, and she was a very cold, disapproving mother to me - yet adored DB2, who can still do no wrong in her eyes (even though he, like DB1 went NC with her years ago). I knew about the miscarriages from a very early age, and I knew how she reacted to being pregnant with me, too. I'm in my 40s now... and I still catch myself thinking how different my life would have been had my mother not had those miscarriages before me. Would I even exist today, would my children exist, if she'd carried the first and/or second pregnancy to term?

I also miscarried twice - one between my children, and my youngest's twin. It doesn't mean that I love my younger child any differently - it simply means that I have personal experience to enable me to feel empathy for my mother, and other women, who went through such things before there was the support, and the care, and the talking about it outside of the family. I am a "rainbow baby", as is my younger child - I don't like the term, but I think it's done a lot to help those of us who grew up feeling less, to understand what our mothers, aunts, grandmothers went through before it was considered okay to talk about such things. My son knows about his twin, whom I lost at 9 weeks gestation (and came very close to losing him, too). He doesn't know about the one inbetween, though (5 months gestation, a little boy). My older child only remembers the summer that "Mum got fat". Why don't they actually know about him? Because I don't ever want my son to feel as though he wouldn't exist if that baby had survived, to think that he's somehow "less" than, to feel as I did growing up, and somehow "less" because of it.

On the other hand, I think that it's good to talk about these things. As women, as mothers, as the children born "after" a devastating (to the parents) loss. What works for one, though, may not necessarily work for another.

Interesting thread
My older brother and I are “rainbow babies” and then some.
Our parents adopted us (2 years apart, from different birth mothers) after years and years of trying to get pregnant.
In that time at least 5 pregnancies ended miscarriage, 1 live premature birth, who died soon after and 1 still birth.
This was all in the late 50’s/early 60’s when the general attitude was to move on and try again after each loss.
My sympathy to everyone who has suffered such loss x

It's meant to symbolise happiness, not grief. It's a very oversimplified metaphor, of course (losing a child= a storm, new life= a rainbow) but as such, I don't think it's supposed to be that deep.

I don't particularly like the term and think early miscarriage and neonatal death is not the same but i think it is important to acknowledge that there was a sibling who died. In my family it was never talked about (I found out by accident and was told never to mention it again) but my parents undoubtedly were grieving and it made it even harder to understand the expectations placed on me because it was never talked about it, I just knew there was something not right. I am currently unpicking it with a therapist.

Condolences

OP i agree with you, it makes me uncomfortable and i don't use the term for my dd.

I was shocked when my local hospital did a survey about birth after loss and referred to rainbow babies throughout. That was the main feedback i gave - not too call it that.

I think I get this. Labeling you as rainbow, says you are not here in your own right, that perhaps you would not even have been born if it wasn't for the bereavement.

My dm had this some 90 years ago. Her dm probably didn't have any help at all, dealing with the loss of her first child. So when my dm was young she was openly compared to her dead sibling (prettier, better) and taken to the cemetery from a young age. My poor dm was marked by this.

I think calling it rainbow sort of give the same feeling as my dm experienced before therapy etc., just in a more subtle way.

I agree that having miscarriage, still birth and SIDS all lumped together is not helpful.

Me and my partner are both "rainbow babies"
But both have vastly different experiences.

I was a baby born after a miscarriage. I have always been aware of my mum's loss, but it was always put to me as "this needed to happen so that I could have the amazing child that is you" so it wasn't this thing that was shrouded in misery, it was a "this happened, but it's ok, because I got you from the aftermath"

Whereas my DP was a child born after cot death. His sister was 9 months old when she passed.
He spent his life being told by his mother that he "was meant to be a girl" and that she only got pregnant again because she wanted another daughter.
He has spent his life feeling like a failure because he could never live up to his mum's expectations of a little girl.

Lassofthenorth - a silly question, not sure if you are trying to make a ‘point. No-one gave me that label as it wasn’t around when I was born (thank goodness). If I was born now the term rainbow baby could be applied to me.

Sorry OP but I don't understand it. You seem to have deemed yourself a rainbow baby and taken offence at it. I am sure that there are loads of things out there that anyone could do the same with.

I have had ten miscarriages, I understand loss and grief all too well but I don't understand your point. The phrase hasn't even crossed my mind.

It’s very much a mumsnetism
Never heard it anywhere else and I suspect if you asked most not on mumsnet they’d have no idea what it meant.

My son is a rainbow baby although I've never heard the term before and will instantly forget it after sending this so 🤷🏻‍♀️ why worry about such nonsense, seriously, just don't use it and don't think about it.

@lassofthenorth
😢

I've never heard of the term until this minute. Why would anyone label a child in that way. Presumably nobody named you in that way, so why would it bother you. You seem to be upset about something that never happened to you.

I think I understand. My only daughter was my fifth pregnancy after 3 miscarriages and a still birth. I don’t often talk about my losses and don’t particularly feel that she need to know or be referred to as a rainbow baby. She needs me to focus on the here and now and make sure we have the best life not dwell on past sadness.

I was born a year after my mother had a stillborn daughter. I was never made to feel that I was a replacement , and I was never given a twee tag like rainbow baby. They were just glad that I lived and that they could move on. End of story.

On one hand OP you've never been thought of or referred to as a 'rainbow baby' so yabu
On the other, you've heard of the term and connected it to the experience you have lived so I kind of understand where you're coming from. But 'rainbow baby' actually represents something positive and who is anyone to tell others how to feel about their pregnancies?

Grief is very a very personal thing and I don't think there is a right or wrong way; surely everyone just does what they think is best at the time?
There is a social media figure who had a #rainbowbaby (she tags the baby as this all the time), when she was born everything was rainbow based, the clothes, the nursery, the blankets. I did wonder how the baby will feel about this as she is older but many people comment about their #rainbows so it must be quite a big thing now.

My understanding of "Rainbow baby" is not that they're particularly a replacement, but they're born with tears that the older sibling is not there, but happiness for the new birth.

However I don't like the phase we're in of labelling everything:
Baby-led weaning, permissive parenting, baby wearing....

The list goes on. I think, by observation, it puts far more pressure on the parents to define themselves and stick to it or they're a failure.
We just popped the baby in a sling on the days it was more convenient, or gave them a breadstick to chew when lunch was late, and didn't worry about having to conform to a group, and feel we were wrong for doing something different.

All 4 of my children are rainbow babies and yes the term was used when I had them (21 years ago with no 1)

To me the term is not a " replacement term" its the light at the end of the dark tunnel.. It is the promise of something new wonderful and amazing. Rainbows are often seen after a storm.

I think it suits all 4 of my wonderful children wonderfully.

Rainbow symbolism also serves as an symbol of peace and serenity

I am sorry OP your mother never got over her lost babies and I feel for her (perhaps she had PND?) However for me personal each of my rainbow babies showed me that life was worth living and there is happiness to find and even after dark times you will find joy and pleasure and you will smile again.

I BTW rarely use the term as well they are just their own people but when I speak of it like here then that is what the term symbolises for me

Never heard of the term either until reading this thread.
What a terrible thing to call a baby.
I suspect someone wanting to sell stuff for babies thought up the name.

I can't imagine telling people my 2nd husband is my rainbow husband since my 1st passed away. Awful. just a terrible name.

That's because the term relates to pregnancy, ranty, not husbands. Try not to project your disgust onto mothers who find comfort where they can.

It's a very recent term. It wasn't in use when my first was stillborn 15 years ago. I didn't think it was used beyond babyhood.

Vincent van Gogh was one. His predecessor was also Vincent.

I’ve only ever heard it on here, tbh.

It’s cutesy and mawkish. It could be applied to me or my sister or to me (my mum can’t remember exactly) but thankfully, in the 70s it was never used.