I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

@imip
I know and understand ‘family’ naming traditions, but these wasn’t a tradition in that family.
I just mused upon it as the child had two names that memorialised two other people, their great grandparent and sibling, who had died in pretty tragic circumstances and not one of their ‘own’.

I thought it was a term that people really only used on the internet. You wouldn’t refer to your child as a ‘rainbow baby’ personally 🥴

I do say to my children that number one appeared with no effort at all and number two I cried for three years and then he finally arrived. They know I had miscarriages. They know they are the most amazing things I’ve ever created. I’m not sure that’s damaged them in any way but I guess I’m have to wait until they’re adults to find out!!

I’m a rainbow baby. I also have the same name as my older sibling and know I wouldn’t be here if she’d survived/gone to full term. It’s never really bothered me knowing I was a replacement. I just feel bad for my mother that she went through it and sad I never met my sibling. No one has called me a rainbow baby but if they had I doubt it would have been recently enough to remember and would have had less effect than knowing we shared a name etc.

My mum lost her first baby in 1958.
No funeral, she lived 13 hours. She subsequently had two more children, me and my sister.
I have never felt like a replacement.
Although she has always said she wanted two girls and that’s what she got. Although I also wonder if because she had two girls that’s what she told us.

All babies should be called miracles and that’s that (apart from their name of course).

Until this thread I had no idea this was what ‘Rainbow baby’ meant.
I thought it had a completely different meaning.

I’ve only seen the term used in the internet. But - if it helps a mum (and dad), then I wouldn’t correct her in real life should she use the term. It does tie the new baby to the lost one and I think that’s sad for the living child but thank god I've not been in that situation. So I don’t know how I’d react.

I’ve had four miscarriages. Lots of counselling to deal with the grief.

I’m not bothered about the term rainbow babies - purely because my two children are an absolute blessing, and I’ve never made either of them feel like the “rainbow babies” were a huge presence in our lives. I’ve discussed it with my older one, but even she isn’t aware of how deeply my miscarriages affected me at the time.

Personally, I can’t get worked up about it. Loss like this is dealt with so individually, and if it makes someone feel better, then I can’t see the issue. Bringing that loss to subsequent children and making them feel second best is not on though, and I’m sorry to hear that this has been the case with some people..

Dd is what some people would call a 'rainbow baby'. I never refer to her as that and never would. She hasn't replaced a baby in fact if it wasn't for all the other shit I have been through I might never have been blessed with the gorgeous perfect one I have now. My losses have been my journey to perfection and for me, it was worth every bit of heartache I had to go through to get here.

That being said, for me, I had a first trimester mmc, stillbirth then second trimester mmc. I can accept the mmcs and never felt like a lost a baby as such. I don't really mourn those babies. My son however was my first child and nothing will change that. I loved and still love him wholeheartedly. I've never known a grief like it and hope never to experience anything like that ever again. I really lost my son that day and every day since. What he could have and should have been and that does present problems when you finally get one to keep. But hopefully, those will never come across to my dd. When she is old enough we will explain she has a brother but the only way it should ever impact her life really is when we visit his grave.

BalloonSlayer - thank you. A lovely post and in some ways you are right but I don’t just mean children like I was, I do mean any child born post-bereavement should just be a child. Not a rainbow child.

And to the posters saying I have given myself that label. Come back when you find the point because you have missed it spectacularly!

I’m a rainbow baby-my mother once turned to me and said ‘if the others had lived I wouldn’t have bothered having you’
I think I was some sort of weird boobie prize
Two of my children would be called rainbow babies-they know I lost a baby just before I caught on with one and lost the others twin while I was carrying him-I believe in telling the truth
At no point have I used the term rainbow baby-I’m just grateful to have them
I will never make them feel guilty for living while the others didn’t

Can we not separate out the issues a little?

I personally don’t have jewellery or any physical reminder of my pg loss but I understand why some people feel that helps them. I understand why some people say rainbow baby even though that’s not for me.

There is really poor understanding and support for mothers who’ve suffered pg loss, I can totally see why some people want to get together in a support group online or talk about it IRL

I lost a few babies, two in early pregnancy (10weeks) but one at 16 weeks. I did (and I guess would) call my son my rainbow baby (didn't really use the term to anyone other than a friend who I discussed my losses with). To me though I think the term means something completely different. All of my pregnancies I was excited for and all of them are special to me. I won't ever forget my babies. However obviously it was a terribly sad period in mine and dhs lives. We were desperate for a baby and didn't seem to be getting there. So I guess when ds was born he was like our rainbow of happiness after a lot of sadness. I do feel like he's my little miracle and that does make this time extra special for me (but then I'd have been just as happy if my first pregnancy had been born and healthy I suppose!). I hope I'm explaining this well but I'm not sure I am 🤦🏻‍♀️. Obviously every baby is special and I won't be telling him about my previous pregnancies as he grows up (perhaps when he is an adult we may discuss it but for now I can see no reason).

I think it all depends on how people are using the term, grief and baby/pregnancy loss are very personal things and I don't think it's fair to decide a term is universally awful or cringe or whatever some pps seem to think.

And yes I am one of those people who has a rainbow blanket. I use it for ds in the pram, however it's essentially a bright multicoloured blanket. Only the dear friend who knitted it for me and myself (and dh!) know why we have it. It's my nod to my babies lost, that I haven't forgotten them and that they mean something to me.

I'm sorry your childhood sounds like it was overshadowed by grief. I know I won't tell ds about all this as I've said but I'd be lying if I said I didn't cuddle him on an evening and give him an extra squeeze when I think about everything we went through.

And why they might want to talk about their desperate hope for a surviving baby and use the term rainbow as a symbol of that desperate and urgent hope

The final, I am so very sorry for your losses. Very pleased to hear about your lovely boy and can totally see why you would say rainbow

Sorry for cross posting with you as well

I could rainbow the shit out of my kids after 7 miscarriages but lack the energy or for thought to be bothered.
It’s all very emotionally draining to be made to feel like I should comply with the idea that all that I put behind me needs to be continued and dragged onwards in my frankly annoying kids who won’t let me have a lie in on a Sunday morning...

Kidding. Love them to the moon and back with unicorns and sprinkles and all that shite.....

crosser but can you see that for other people the rainbow thing actually helps them move forward?

I still struggle not to cry any time mc is mentioned and I haven’t had a loss in 9 years. Maybe if I talked about it more I might have processed it better! Not sure!!

I'm a rainbow baby.. well, a rainbow rainbow rainbow baby- my DM had three miscarriages before I was born.
I've never seen myself as being labelled 'the replacement child' but rather the child they tried, tried and tried again for and the rainbow after the storm.
Having had a MC myself, currently undergoing fertility treatment in the hope of conceiving my own 'rainbow baby' I completely understand the term and think it's beautiful. If anything it gives me hope that there's going to be a light at the end of this shitstorm of a tunnel.

My first born came after a miscarriage and i have never thought of her as a rainbow baby ( first time i have heard the saying) or a replacment baby, back when i had her it was just something that happened and we had a cry then got on with life, sounds harsh but there were no internet sites to stoke your grief, life carried on. I cant say that i give any thought to the miscarriage i had or the baby i could have had. My Daughter born 2 years later was not a replacment for anyone.

I'm a rainbow baby but have never been referred to as such.

I also don't think of myself as any kind of replacement for the baby boy that was stillborn before me.

I am sorry you feel the way you do, however. I think a lot of is to do with how parents react and deal with the situation. My mum has always been very open with me about the fact that she previously lost a baby. But it has always been factual and I've never been made to feel like a replacement or anything like that.

I hope you're okay

Low, but I think people grieve in different ways

I’m very together in my life but I don’t think my sadness and the way I lost mine is ever going to completely leave me

I don't like the phrase.

However, if those words give comfort to a woman who has lost a baby, then it is of no business of mine to comment. I don't try and dictate how anyone overcomes loss.

I am also a "rainbow" baby, however my mother wouldn't choose to use that term. She simply told me about the miscarriage she had between having my brother and me.

I'm carrying a 'rainbow baby' right now. With everything in me I hope he hangs in there the next 9 weeks and we get to take him home. I've called him our rainbow to my husband and mum, I can't imagine that I would call him a rainbow when he's here. I did get him a little sleep suit with rainbows on it but that's a little nod for us. I wouldn't expect any of my other friends or family to know what it meant aside from anything else. I guess to me I was thinking of it in a biblical sense.

My poor husband is a pre 'rainbow baby' his mum suffered 2 child bereavements and multiple miscarriage after having him, his 'mum' then shut down and took to her bed which led to him being emotionally abused and neglected. 9 years later his mother had another baby, a much loved daughter who, nowadays would be described as a 'rainbow baby' but in reality she was 'the saviour' their reason for living. From the day that she was born it was as if the previous 10 years hadn't existed, history rewritten whereas my poor emotionally neglected husband was left on the periphery, a reminder of terrible times. I'am so sorry to anyone who has experienced child bereavement, please hug your children extra tight especially the older ones because they too have experienced awful trauma too.

I never thought about it before; technically me & my sibs are all RBs.
I know a woman who has 4 such children. Neither woman was at all upset about their m/c.

I just thought it was me being a bitch by not liking the term RB. It felt like inappropriate attn-seeking is how I feel, maybe. Rainbows are pretty but dead common (saw 3 yesterday). They are marvels of nature... like any other baby. I think those who say this term should say something like 'miracle baby' which I'd accept better. At least it better might reflect how the parents feel about their arrival. And it's a term that extends to anyone who feels like they were never going to successfully have a child. So more inclusive.