I am a rainbow baby and I really dislike that term.

[GapMindTheGap]

I expect I may get slated for this post but if it resonates with one person then it is worth the post.

I am a ‘rainbow’ baby, although thankfully old enough that the term was not in existence then.

It’s not a cutesy term. It’s a term that defines a child as being the one who came after a bereavement, the next child, the ‘replacement’ child (I fully well KNOW that there is no such thing as a replacement child but if by the very name you give them, you are putting their life into relation to a child lost before them, it’s telling and it may well weigh on that child who will be too immature to understand that there can never be a replacement child).

My mum was mired in grief when she had me, something which has had a long term impact on me, thank heavens I wasn’t also stuck with that awful label of being a ‘rainbow baby’.

Child bereavement is such a devastating, emotive topic that I know as someone who has not suffered it, I am ill-equipped to even touch on it but I am a ‘rainbow’ baby and I ask please, on behalf of us rainbow babies, don’t start your child’s life by giving them that grief engulfed title.

I didn't even know this was a term. I have one in that case and would never ever use the term, i agree OP. My dd is a wonderful person in her own right.

Op surely this is more about your difficult relationship with your mother and her behaviour towards you.

You were not given the term, you don't like the term, but you ask on behalf of "rainbow" babies as a "rainbow" baby not to use the term?

It's like saying don't ever tell the child they came after losses? Is that what you mean? I understand the child should never be made to feel a replacement, but for me certainly my daughter represents nothing but love. She is the most incredibly special and amazing thing in the world. Am I to be criticised for having those feelings?

I've never heard of it. I thought it might mean people with a mixture of heritage like all the colours of the rainbow!

No child can replace another one. I am sure wherever in the family each is loved individually.

I can see it from their point of view.

But like a PP said the subsequent baby is ‘extra special and very precious’

I know someone who has just had a baby after miscarriage, she uses the term rainbow baby in everything. When I announced my pregnancy I
one person literally said “aw that’s great, have you seen X is having her rainbow baby, she deserves it so much I can’t wait to meet them”
It is wonderful and I agreed that she must be absolutely over the moon, but i feel like they didn’t exactly acknowledge my news but use it as a conversation starter for hers.

Its almost as if unless you have a ‘rainbow baby’ your child isn’t as special as their child.

Why is everything a competition? Your pregnancy and baby whether you have suffered the loss of one before or whether it’s your first successful pregnancy, should be wonderful on the same level, no?

Quite honestly my opinion could stem from the fact I had my pregnancy swept under the carpet in light of someone else’s ‘rainbow’ baby so I could be biased.

All babies are an absolute treasure and no one should ever have to suffer the loss of something so precious in any circumstance.

I totally agree.Im not a rainbow baby myself but if I was I would no doubt feel like the replacement to a certain extent.

Me too I would be considered a rainbow baby & my baby would be considered a rainbow baby too. I’d never use that term I think it undermines how precious my baby is in his own right. Ill never forget the babies I lost but I am so grateful for my baby 💙

My youngest was born after several losses at 19, 24, 29 weeks. At the time she was a miracle baby - not as a replacement for anyone but rather because she was a really positive force for good and allowed me to move on from the sadness without forgetting the lost children.
She is a young woman that we are immensely proud of, confident, bright, funny, kind and certainly not a second best replacement.

I dislike the term rainbow baby. I think Rey early scans and pregnancy testing have added to the pressure on women to have perfect pregnancies every time - when high numbers miscarry during first few weeks. Not so long ago you wouldn’t know you were pregnant and would put it down to a heavy period and move on without the angst and pain it now seems to cause. It almost feels like something that should be mild disappointment is a major tragedy. That’s not to belittle true infertility, late loss or recurrent loss but people wanting a huge fuss about one miscarriage, I simply don’t understand really.

I hate that term. I have suffered baby loss, but no baby is "extra special" especially when they have siblings. It's a baby, some of them have very difficult start of life, have to spent too long in hospital and so on. It is hard work, it doesn't make them more special than their brothers or sisters.

I am hoping that the rainbow nonsense stops when the baby is actually born, the way some couple spend a fortune on private scans, painting of a scan (that's a thing! ) for no medical reason, and all this is completely forgotten when the baby is there.

I think a lot of people are missing the OP's point.

She is not talking about "any and all children born after a bereavement," she is talking about a child born after a bereavement who is viewed as somehow being two children in one, and given the weight of expectation of making everything better for their parents.

If you, or your DC, were born after a bereavement and were not made to feel like that, then that's brilliant. But she needs to talk to people who were.

I never thought about the term until your post and I am also a ‘rainbow’ baby as it were.

I agree with you there shouldn’t be a name for the next baby after a loss.

I also dislike the term and almost feel it is a symptom of the generation cruelty called snowflakes. As an aside, someone said yes, I am a snowflake if you remember they are unique.

Anyway, I have a rainbow baby in this usage as I miscarried a baby then miscarried my rainbow baby's twin but I have only ever called him my bonus baby. Bonus as I already had one of each (), I'd had the losses and he just feels a bonus as I could have lost him too if the doctors had had their way.

Sunshine baby sounds lovely but I agree with the OP that it puts pressure on the next b

people wanting a huge fuss about one miscarriage, I simply don’t understand really.

because they've just lost a baby, that's all. It can be just as painful to lose your baby at 8 weeks than it is at 24, people process and grieve differently.

It's putting a burden on their siblings that I don't agree with.

I’m a rainbow baby too, although I’ve never been called that. It wouldn’t bother me though, I know I’ve been very much loved for who I am and never felt like a replacement.

My friend calls her twins rainbow babies but she hasn’t lost any children just that it took her a year to conceive. I must admit I do pull this face at her

I’ve also had a miscarriage and still going through the heartache of infertility, and while i wouldn’t call any baby my rainbow baby if that gives anyone some comfort then go for it as far as I’m concerned.

For you it sounds like your mum’s parenting was affected by her grief and I’m sorry you had to experience that, I can see that would be difficult for a child.

I lost my first dd 13 years ago. The term wasn’t around then. I seriously dislike it and I’ve been slated on here before for gently saying so. It seems to negate the despair of losing a child and as if the next child makes it a happy ending. Their is no happy ending, it’s just bloody sad. And a person may, nor many not, have another baby.

For a few years later, I helped support women who had lost babies, and I was really surprised how the idea of a rainbow baby caught on and how everyone was so happy that I had a rainbow baby.

That said, after working with so many women and am non-judgemental about what they use to help them through the grieving process. For instance, I am an atheist, but if people found their belief in religion to help them, I’d support it. So, if the ‘concept’ helps people, so be it. What I don’t like is that a whole ‘industry’ comes off it - hash tags, rainbow baby clothes etc etc.

To the poster mentioning naming subsequent children after previous. My subsequent child has her sister’s name as her middle name, but my 4th dc also has her great grandmother’s name. It’s a pretty old tradition naming dc after family members, so I don’t see why it should be an issue really. Going back a couple of generations in my Irish family, naming dc after parents was standard.

I covered both mine in rainbows (still do sometimes! used to love the Little Bird clothes at Mothercare but they all got a bit samey)I like rainbows rather than pink/blue or dull colours a lot of kids get dressed in I haven't ever suffered a pregnancy loss.

It's just a rainbow and a baby to me, seperate!

I always thought it was strange to be labelled as a constant reminder of death. I'd always has this secret feeling that I existed to soften the blow.

This label was quite new to me a few years ago. My colleague kept referring to her pregnancy as the rainbow baby. Which had to be continually explained to other colleagues as to what it meant. A happy time mired by the continual mention of the draft predecessor. I feel that miscarriage is a tragic loss that affects so many women, the rainbow label shouldn't be bandied around as its disrespectful to the ones who dont ever get their healthy baby. One wouldnt say , "this is my rainbow husband as I lost the last one?!" The whole label thing is werid.

I too am a rainbow baby but I couldn’t care less about the term or if it had an impact on me. The term is for the parents and not the child obviously.

Never heard this phrase before

I’m pregnant after a loss and I wouldn’t ever use the term.

Deceased not draft

My dm lost a baby, she had a still birth baby boy at 7 months before we were born. She never once referred to any of us as rainbow babies we were individuals in our own rights. I once remember saying to her when I was younger and found out about him If she had, had my older brother would she had still had me and she had told me of course she would have. I dont particularly like term either op.

I love rainbows.
I don't like the current appropriation of the term to apply to babies who come after a loss, although I understand the reasoning.

I supposed DS2 is a technical rainbow baby, since I had 3 MCs between Ds1 and Ds2 - but I would never refer to him as that. All the MCs were early stage and while that affects some people just as badly as a later loss, it didn't me.

My MIL lost her first child at birth - she named her subsequent baby EXACTLY the same names as she gave the stillborn baby. Now that is freakout central for a child, I reckon!

My friend calls her twins rainbow babies but she hasn’t lost any children just that it took her a year to conceive.

there's always 1 attention-seeker somewhere, but your friend is a classic!