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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
YobaOljazUwaque · 06/09/2019 15:21

Good message. Handled well. I hope the bully gets some support to learn how to be a less horrible person - that's got to be a better use of her time than school work, she can always catch up on qualifications and academia once she has got the basics of human decency mastered.

PablosHoney · 06/09/2019 15:22

Sounds like you and your DD have a good relationship and happily she can show you messages like that

Beesandcheese · 06/09/2019 15:25

This means what?

"justasking111

liberal parents are really not doing their kids any good when they defend them to the hilt whatever they do."

You have no idea how the parenting is, unless you are the cunt calling's mother? You have no idea if this behaviour will be supported. Also your definition is odd. Surely a liberal would not intervene rather than "defending them to the hilt" that isn't strictly liberal, its aggressive. So are you suggesting that aggressive parents are to blame or liberal ones?

championquartz · 06/09/2019 15:25

Agree, good message. I would be prepared to lose the friendship too.

Any response OP?

Travis1 · 06/09/2019 15:38

Definitely done the right thing OP. I'm not sure I could stay friends with the other either tbh.

popsadaisy · 06/09/2019 15:42

Tell her straight she needs to know what her daughter is like!

Juells · 06/09/2019 15:43

Could be that the other girl doesn't want the OP giving her any help, and is sabotaging it before it starts. Or she may think that the OP's daughter would 'have one over her' if the OP is helping her. Or it may simply be that she's started seeing the OP's daughter at the bus stop for the first time in three years, and remembered how enjoyable bullying is.

Sorry, just rambling now...

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 06/09/2019 15:46

Do contact her DDs school about cyber bullying. Schools have legal powers to punish/deal with bullying which happens beyond the school day/gate. Highly doubt your dd is her only target.

Your dd is v mature.

BloggersBlog · 06/09/2019 16:00

Good, direct message. Just waiting for the "her phone was hacked/taken by friends who sent the messages " excuses to come back!

Vanhi · 06/09/2019 16:04

Or it may simply be that she's started seeing the OP's daughter at the bus stop for the first time in three years, and remembered how enjoyable bullying is.

Unfortunately it could also be that this has been going on for a while and the OP's daughter only felt she could bring it up again because her mother was going to help this girl. I know what it's like to be bullied. I often didn't tell my parents because of the fear that this would make it worse. That's not to blame the OP in any way - just to give a different perspective.

Sarcelle · 06/09/2019 16:08

.

eddielizzard · 06/09/2019 16:09

Good msg and to the point. The girl's an idiot. She doesn't deserve the help. Hope your DD is ok.

NotStayingIn · 06/09/2019 16:10

I wonder what on earth is going on with that girl that she thought this would be a good idea. Confused

kissmewherethesundontshine · 06/09/2019 16:20

What a horrible child, hope your DD is ok OP

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/09/2019 16:22

Good for you.

VeganCow · 06/09/2019 16:24

well done, but I would also be pre-empting the forthcoming 'she was hacked' excuses, with an explanation of the other things she has been doing, like the bus name calling, just to add weight to your daughters truth.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 06/09/2019 16:25

No excuse for it but this type of behaviour bullying on social media at secondary school is common place especially among year 7 to 9 girls. It’s dog eat dog and many of them don’t know how nasty to be just get one over on someone else in the hope of making themselves more popular.
DD had a horrible time with something similar half way through year 7 to year 8.
Most of them are cleverer than this girl was as they bully via Snapchat so the messages disappear and the bullies know if someone has taken a screenshot and they are then bullied for this on social media and verbal bullying just out of ear shot of teachers on the way home etc.
You did exactly the right thing op and your daughter has been very brave. I just hope your ex friend really goes to town on her daughter and somehow manages to nip this in the bud for your daughters sake and others.
Top tip if you have a child in year 6 to year 9. Get them into the habit of leaving their phones on charge downstairs so if anything like this is going on they can at least have some reprieve from it when they are in their bedrooms.
DD blocked and unfriended a lot of the nasty girls and came off social altogether for awhile.

INeedNewShoes · 06/09/2019 16:31

This girl has massively shot herself in the foot if she wanted your help. OP. Actually makes me think that she didn't want to do whatever it is on Sunday so sent your DD the message as she knew it would be called off!

Obviously that's no excuse for the vile behaviour though!

Straycatblue · 06/09/2019 16:36

I think its bizarre that you were prepared to help this child in the first place.
She bullied your own daughter so badly for years that your daughter had to change classes.

Its not about holding a grudge as such but if the child who bullied your daughter never showed any remorse or apologised and there wasnt any reconciliation between them, then by agreeing to help the child who bullied your daughter you are giving your own daughter the message loud and clear that you are ok with how she was treated by this girl.

You may have run it past your daughter initially and she said it was ok but as an adult its up to you to say, actually you know what, I don't condone the way shes treated you in the past, theres never been an attempt at reconciliation and my loyalty lies with you.
I don't see how you can remain friends with the other girls mother anymore either.

Its great you got the school involved the first time, I know you have said they are different schools but get both schools involved again this time. You need to take formal action not just messaging the other childs mum.
Keep a diary of the episodes that you know of and report it to the police also, not just the cyberbullying but the harrassment and abuse on the bus.

Please also consider counselling for your daughter, she was bullied for years as a young child and is now being bullied again. It doesnt just go away unfortunately and can leave lasting emotional/mental issues.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/types-bullying/online-bullying/

happycamper11 · 06/09/2019 16:42

What a horrid girl. Hope her mum takes this on board and deals with it.

Original poster
PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 16:56

I have a update, I will powerphrase as it was very very long with a lot of rambling.

she responded to say she is very sorry and how hard it was to read that message. But her DD is having a very hard time at school at the moment (academically wise) and also having lots of issues with her friendship group. And also with her father (parents recently divorced and her dad is now with someone else and due a baby very soon, her DD has not taken this news well) She’s not justified the comments but has fobbed it off as “kids being kids” as there is no truth in her comments. she will have a word with her DD and hopes that we can put all this behind us.

I probably do need to point out my DD is not overweight she has recently got to a healthy weight from being underweight. Not that excuses her comments in anyway in my eyes but for context.

I’m actually really pissed off at her response as to me it comes across as I’m really sorry for what she said, BUT my kids having issues in her life so that excuses her behavior. There is no way back for our friendship now.

I’ve spoken with DD and she has said from Monday she will be getting the bus from a different stop with her friend who walks with her. She doesn’t want any drama so it should solve the issue.

She left all the drama behind her at primary school and doesn’t get involved in the bitching and talking behind each other’s backs and simply says “I’m not getting involved” before she started this new school it was drummed into her treat others how you want to be treated.

OP posts:
Mlou32 · 06/09/2019 16:58

I'd be telling the mother under no uncertain terms that if you get so much as a whiff of anymore bullying, the next step will be the police.

ShadyLady53 · 06/09/2019 16:59

God, she’s made it all about her and her DD Angry.

I’m upset for you OP but think you are right, there’s no way forward for the friendship now. Your DD sounds very sensible and lovely Flowers.

ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2019 17:01

I think you’re completely justified in being pissed off. Just because someone is having a tough time it doesn’t mean they get to bully others.

You’ve handled this really well

StoorieHoose · 06/09/2019 17:01

I'd be replying that none of that excuses the way her DD is treating yours and to not contact you again.