Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 06/09/2019 17:01

Your DD sounds very mature and you should be proud of the way she has handled the situation.

Your friend is trying to minimise what has happened by making excuses to justify her child's behaviour.

I would distance myself from this friendship...it just doesnt seem worth it.

SunshineCake · 06/09/2019 17:02

Excusing her is doing her no favours. I suspect your ex friend will come crawling back. Any more trouble from the daughter and I'd tell school. Tbh I'd be tempted to tell them anyway.

Belfield · 06/09/2019 17:03

I agree with you OP that there is no going back for your friendship. Your daughter sounds very sensible and is right to distance herself from any trouble even if she didn't cause it. It is up to you whether you reply back to let your friend know that you won't be in contact with her again as you cannot tolerate excuses being made or if you simply distance yourself. I think you have to support your daughter.

Juells · 06/09/2019 17:05

I probably do need to point out my DD is not overweight she has recently got to a healthy weight from being underweight. Not that excuses her comments in anyway in my eyes but for context.

This actually makes it ten times worse, as it's almost like she's hoping to drive your daughter into anoerexia.

I'd block the friend, and contact school and police if it continues.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2019 17:06

I also think there is no going back on the friendship. I suspect the girl is jealous of your daughter.

Jenasaurus · 06/09/2019 17:06

Very well handled op

KatherineJaneway · 06/09/2019 17:07

But her DD is having a very hard time at school at the moment (academically wise) and also having lots of issues with her friendship group. And also with her father (parents recently divorced and her dad is now with someone else and due a baby very soon, her DD has not taken this news well) She’s not justified the comments but has fobbed it off as “kids being kids” as there is no truth in her comments.

Another parent who doesn't want to see the truth about their child.

3dogs2cats · 06/09/2019 17:08

You sound lovely and so does your daughter. I normally think these things are better just left but I would be tempted to respond with a warning that any further bullying will be reported to the child’s school.
Well done for supporting your daughter in a drama free way.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 17:08

I'd feel the need to simply reply:

"Lots of us have sob stories and tales of woe. But none of us are being spiteful to others to make ourselves feel better about the difficulties in our lives. It's a poor excuse and I'm afraid it just doesn't wash. If there is even a single repeat performance, the matter will be taken further"

But maybe that's just me?

I think I wouldn't be able to be friends again after that either.

Foslady · 06/09/2019 17:09

Wow - not acceptable at all.

If kids are kids then your dd would have behaved totally differently to the mature way she has.

Zakana · 06/09/2019 17:09

Wow, your “friend” sees for herself what a nasty little bully her daughter is and then proceeds to try and negate her daughters behaviour and tell you what a tough time she’s having? What a fantastic friend she must be, block her now and don’t do her or her horrible daughter any favours, and your daughter is dealing with this maturely and definitely has taken the moral high ground, good for her! Cut that waste of space loose!

Wonkybanana · 06/09/2019 17:13

As for her response - there might be something (not much) in it if this had come out of the blue. But was her DD going through all this trauma six years ago? No. And if this is indicative of her behaviour perhaps that's why she's having problems with her friends.

Don't take any more of this and let your DD know that you won't.

SoupDragon · 06/09/2019 17:14

I wouldn't reply to her message. Follow your DD's lead and don't get involved in any back and forth "discussions".

The correct response from her would have been "I am SO sorry. I completely understand and will be talking to my daughter about this"

Hazhaze · 06/09/2019 17:14

Classic bully-she's miserable so she's trying to make others miserable to. Difficult situation for your friend (or ex friend) to handle but it's really not your place to help out now.

cowfacemonkey · 06/09/2019 17:15

I'd reply

"I'm sorry XX is having a difficult time but this doesn't excuse her behaviour. My first obligation has to be to DD and I think me being involved with helping XX muddies the waters and sends the wrong message to both the girls."

Soola · 06/09/2019 17:16

I’d reply with

Your daughter bullied my daughter for years previously so giving piss poor excuses for her restating the bullying is nonsense. If she continues then the police will be informed. Given your complete lack of understanding and inability to see that your daughter is still carrying on being vile, our friendship is over.

Soola · 06/09/2019 17:16

Restarting

perfectstorm · 06/09/2019 17:17

I'm afraid I think you're right. There's nowhere for your friendship with this woman to go. She's minimising her child's abuse of peers rather than doing anything about it, and that excusing is why the child keeps doing it.

I'm so glad your dd is sensible enough to just move past this, and not get involved in drama herself. I'm afraid this mother is storing up an awful lot of problems for herself in the years ahead - and I'm absolutely sure her girl is having issues with peers. This nonsense does tend to create them.

Sorry for the loss of your friend, OP. It's got to be a sadness, after so long. But you don't really have a choice. Her choices dictate your own.

perfectstorm · 06/09/2019 17:19

I wouldn't reply to her message. Follow your DD's lead and don't get involved in any back and forth "discussions".

Agree with this. There's nothing left to say, really, that isn't going to cause drama. I think best just to shrug and move on, sadly.

squeakybike · 06/09/2019 17:19

That's an embarrassing response on her part.

I wouldn't even bother replying to her after that. Most certainly the end of that friendship.

karenbokaren · 06/09/2019 17:21

Oh dear. That's one of those 'sorry but' apologies. Therefore not really an apology. Why the hell hasn't she offered to match her daughter round to apologise? Piss poor parenting.

W0rriedMum · 06/09/2019 17:23

I suspect your friend is as bad as her daughter behind closed doors. In my experience, parents who minimise their own kids' bullying behaviour are the ones who gossip and are mean towards others too.
I would take a huge step back from this friendship.

handslikecowstits · 06/09/2019 17:26

What I would do in this situation is not what I'd advise anyone else to do so on that score I'll keep my mouth shut. Suffice to say, the friendship is over and all messages would be kept as future evidence.

Your 'friend' is a disgrace.

Nousernameforme · 06/09/2019 17:28

Yeah leave it any response from you is going to result in more wheedling on her part to get you to help her dd and then to make you out to be the bad one when you refuse.
You have said where you stand as a result of her dds actions let that be it.

museumsandgalleries666 · 06/09/2019 17:29

I honestly can't see the police wanting to get involved in a schoolgirl spat - 'her daughter was mean to my daughter '. Let the mean girls parents sort it out, and the school if absolutely necessary.