I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

[PinkBlossomTrees]

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

Fucks sake sorry op you’ve done the right thing x

Tweetingmagpie first class reply

Please don't be friends with the mum of your DD's bully..

Text and say bullying has started again, send her the message if you want. State that you won't be helping out and any planned meet ups are now on the back burner.

Then stay away. As pp said might be worth getting in first with the school.

I think ignore and block is the wise thing to do. I can't see any way forward with your friendship if this girls mother makes excuses for her child's bullying. You have been very restrained in your responses to her and shown yourself and your daughter to be the better people.

@HomeSchoolerNewbie what?

Your DD sounds amazing, OP. She's dealing with this really maturely.

As for your "friend", any decent Mum would have said "oh my god I'm so sorry, I will talk to her and make sure it stops". Instead she defends her actions, conveniently blaming everyone but herself..............

I would mention it to school - and show them the proof too. At least that way they are aware.

What a little shit she is!! Your daughter sounds very mature about it but I'm sorry that she has to deal with this.

End of the friendship right there.

The reason her DD is a bully is because she has never been held accountable or called up on her vile behaviour. It's the schools fault, or her friends, or her dad etc....

Your ex-friend is incapable of dealing with this and incapable of raising a decent human being.

I would not respond to that message, I would block her on everything and get your DD to do the same. Onwards and upwards.

Yes Soup.
Block . Friendship is over

She isn't prepared to be in conflict with her DD in order to deal with her bullying behaviour.

I would agree that's the end of the friendship.

@Tweetingmagpie your response was a bit out of date as the thread has moved on.

I have often found that bullies are that way because they are enabled by their parents who dismiss it/don't take it seriously, etc so the bully thinks it's ok behaviour because the parent of the bully can't be bothered to actually parent their child and teach them right from wrong. Sadly, I thought to myself reading your OP that the mother of the bully won't do anything about it, and yep, sure enough... Unfortunately parents like that don't take bullying seriously and don't understand how devastating it can be/lead to suicides. Very rarely are bullies' behaviour a shock or shame to their parents, the parents simply enable it with their dismissiveness of seriousness of it.

I think you are correct in ignoring and blocking. That is the sensible, classy and decorous thing to do.

But.....I would be itching to reply “oh goodness, I am so sorry she is having such a tough time. However, I would like to ask, what were the mitigating circumstances when she bullied dd for two years in primary school? What are your excuses for that behaviour? Could it be that your daughter is a horrible bully and she has never been called out on it and therefore thinks its just fine to treat people so despicably? You are doing her no favours and she is going to have a hard time if you do not take the trouble to correct her.”

But I wouldn’t, obvs

Forgot to add that I feel it is part of the 'be your child's friend, not the parent' phase. Some parents would rather just act like a friend to their child, than actually be the parent to their child.

I most definitely would text EXACTLY what CoraPirbright wrote! I second their post.

I be tempted to send this emoticon:
🎻
But I guess that's immature of me.
Block and bin the friend and go out for coffee with your nice sensible daughter instead.

Well done OP. Good for your daughter to see your loyalty demonstrated so clearly.

You haven’t lost anything with this friendship ending - if she was worth it, she’d have sorted her daughter out, not justified her behaviour.

Please congratulate your daughter from a random Mumsnetter on her maturity, - -and assure her that she’s worth 100 of this little cow- -

I know I corrected that as soon as I realised

I would be tempted to say that whatever problems she has does not excuse her bullying somebody else, particularly as she was her victim before. You are minimising the bullying and enabling her to carry on. Please do not contact me again, and keep your daughter away from mine. Then block.

You rely to the text message hi this is xxx’s Mum I won’t be helping you- you can tell your mum why. If you call my daughter out again i’ll Be speaking to...

I agree with PPs that o would respond to the mum’s message. Not to fight, but to point out that she’s minimising and not taking it seriously. I’d send something like

“After last time, I decided to come to you first rather than escalate it. As your friend, and a mother, I’m very disappointed with your response. I would be horrified if my daughter was bullying someone, regardless of her circumstances. If your D can’t behave, keep her away from my DD. If I hear of any more bullying from her, I will have no choice but to report to schools/police as appropriate”

Well typical mum making excuses for her dd .
She needs to learn her behaviour and Nasty bullying has consequences.
You did the right thing no way should you help her out .
I get that the girl has issues isn't that why bullies bully because of low self confidence. The mum can't blame it on other things . I'd hope she will tell her dd that because of her bullying no extra help but probably not .

I really liked cowfacedmonkey’s follow up response.

The other girl has been totally failed by her DPs. Not making excuses in the slightest but I half wonder if there’s anything else under the surface... has she sabotaged this tutoring because she’s a brat, or is she depressed and trying to run away from her problems? Although knowing your DD has been underweight, it does sound like her comment was a very calculated effort to sabotage that recovery, so I’m erring towards the first.

If she is suffering due to poor academic performance, picking on the DD of her potential tutor is somewhat ironic.

As HysteryMystery said:

Screenshot and then say "I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me to come round on Sunday as I’ve seen these screenshots?!”