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Original poster

I’m going to have to tell her straight aren’t I?

450 replies

PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 10:33

This situation is quite complicated but I will try to explain briefly.

My oldest best friend who I used to go to school with has a DD the same age as mine. They live close by and the girls went through nursery and school together.

In year 3 her DD started bullying my DD. My DD didn’t tell me for 2 years. I took it straight to the head when I found out and parents were called in. My friend was unhappy I went to the school and not her. DD moved classes on her request and had a happy final year at school.

The girls are now both in year 9 at different schools. Me and my friend have rekindled our friendship, it’s not the same as before but we are friends. Our DDs have nothing to do with each other but we’ve moved on it’s all in the past.

During the holidays my friend said her DD may possibly need my help with something (to do with my job) and would I possibly be prepared to help her out and if so how much would I charge. I ran it past my DD first and she said she had no problem with it. So I said to my friend that should be fine and I wouldn’t charge.

My friend came back to me and said her DD does need my help and can I go round to theirs on Sunday, it’s all been arranged.

I mentioned to DD last night that I was helping her out Sunday. She’s said she’s not happy about it anymore as friends DD this week has been getting on a different school bus (same stop as my DD) and the name calling has started again and she’s shown me messages from her on Instagram calling her a “fat cunt” and saying how she should go to weight watchers.

After seeing this I have absolutely no intention of helping her out but need to let her Mum know but I have no idea what to say.
If it was you, would you make up a excuse or tell the mum straight the reason why?

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 06/09/2019 17:38

Nah fuck that OP. There are a thousand responses you could give to that sob story but I wouldn't waste my time if I were you. Sometimes there are no words!
I'm saddened that your DD has recently reached a healthy weight from being underweight, her bully has chosen her insult to be triggering. How cruel.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 06/09/2019 17:39

Your friend is a wet flannel and that girl will not benefit from it. She needs boundaries not a carte blanc to behave however she likes.

Very sad.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/09/2019 17:42

Sometimes the best response is no response at all. If she comes back asking if you're still doing Sunday the word No should be enough. Glad your DD is handling this well though.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 06/09/2019 17:42

her response as to me it comes across as I’m really sorry for what she said, BUT my kids having issues in her life so that excuses her behavior.

Thats an awful response!
You DD sound very mature not getting involved in the drama.

CoraPirbright · 06/09/2019 17:43

Ah, so lots of excuses for this time. What about last time (two years of primary school)??!! What a fucking joke. Angry

I wouldn’t dignify this with a response.

Ginfordinner · 06/09/2019 17:49

I just want to add the voice of experience. DD was bullied in year 7 by one girl, then horribly bullied by another girl in year 10. I have since learned that both these girls have been through an awful time.

I'm not excusing their behaviour, but I would just ignore the friend and her daughter for now.

84claire84 · 06/09/2019 17:52

This has got me so angry and it's not even my child.

You don't need people like this in your life OP

Your daughter sounds like she has a wonderful head on her shoulders, I'm sure your very proud of her.

shearwater · 06/09/2019 17:52

The bully is a victim as well - she probably is going through the mill herself as her mum says.

But that doesn't help your DD (other than to know that it's the bully, not her, who has serious problems) nor should her mum's weak comments be accepted, she should have been a lot more embarrassed and apologetic.

And even if she were, IMO you still shouldn't help out. You must have your daughter's back on this, and let her know that the bully's behaviour, and her mum's attempt to water it down, is not acceptable.

Shadow1234 · 06/09/2019 17:56

So her daughter is having problems with her friendship group - hardly surprising - she's probably bullying them as well!!

The mother is down-playing the seriousness of these events, and you are doing the right thing by walking away.

I would normally be one to say do not reply to her message but in this instance I think I would have to say something along the lines of..

.. 'Should this behaviour continue, I WILL take the matter further! '

(by doing this, she has had fair warning that you see this as a serious problem, even if she doesn't).

Bouledeneige · 06/09/2019 18:03

I agree with everyone about screen shotting and saying you can't now help her daughter. Some of the language was s but soft 'I don't feel I can ...' be firmer than that. Don't leave it open to negotiation.

I personally doubt it is possible for your DD to fake it. Unless she set up a duplicate fake account. Check it out.

But you also need to work out what you are going to do about your daughter being bullied on the way home. If it continues after this you may need to report it to the other girls school or the police.

BarbaraStrozzi · 06/09/2019 18:03

Your DD is handling things with great maturity - well done her (and you for raising such a sensible child).

Personally I'd be tempted not to respond at all to your former friend's message. The question really is whether you want to bring it to the school's attention. I'd follow your daughter's lead on that.

Original poster
PinkBlossomTrees · 06/09/2019 18:05

I would of much preferred a simple. I’m ever so sorry I will speak to my DD rather than that non apology.

I’m going to do what I’ve always said to my DD in situations like these. Ignore and block.

I’m going to think about contacting the girls school. They may take it more seriously than her mum.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 06/09/2019 18:05

That's shocking! How dare she make excuses for her dd's behaviour. She isn't doing her any favours.

I'd bin her totally.

Hope your dd is ok?

CuriousMama · 06/09/2019 18:06

Isn't it illegal to cyberbully?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2019 18:07

What kind of a mother does she think you are, that she thinks you would ever agree to go and help out her bullying daughter now??

I'd consider throwing that back to her, in all honesty and ask her how she'd feel if the boot were on the other foot and she was being asked to help your DD, after your DD had bullied hers, see if she gets it then!!

But probably the best response would be along the lines of "Sorry to hear that but I won't be helping your DD out now. If anything else happens, the police will be informed as this is cyberbullying" and let them both go out of your lives.

EKGEMS · 06/09/2019 18:10

Idk who's worse the little brat or her bitchy mom? Glad you changed your mind about helping her

LittleTopic · 06/09/2019 18:10

Surely part of decent parenting is teaching your children to handle shitty life problems with dignity rather than using them as an excuse to be all kinds of bitch?

Well handled OP!

overnightangel · 06/09/2019 18:11

With such wushu-washy non parenting like that it’s no wonder her daughter is acting like an arrogant, entitled little shit. You’ve been a lot more dignified than I would be, OP

marvellousnightforamooncup · 06/09/2019 18:17

Yes, talk to both schools.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 06/09/2019 18:22

I'd reply considering your response shows you are incapable of dealing with this issue I will now be contacting the school so that your daughter receives the guidance she needs on how to behave appropriately.

binkyclink · 06/09/2019 18:25

Another vote for screenshot & this itself speaks volumes as to why it's not appropriate for you to help the cruel little twat.

SunshineCake · 06/09/2019 18:25

I think the best thing is to not text the mother anymore.

BitOftheSea · 06/09/2019 18:26

I don’t think the response is that unreasonable given that you’re friends. She found your message hard to read and is going to talk to her daughter. Then she’s telling a friend about the problems her daughter (and by extension her) is having. Assuming she said sufficiently sympathetic stuff about your daughter, I certainly wouldn’t end a friendship over it.

Tweetingmagpie · 06/09/2019 18:28

You need to show the mum the messages and say you’re not comfortable helping anymore because of her behaviour towards your dd, and then you need to stop being friends with this woman and show some loyalty to your daughter.

RandomMess · 06/09/2019 18:29

I do think you need to tell both schools as the other girl is going to end up with zero decent friends behaving like that.

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