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Original poster

How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

581 replies

paleandstale · 04/09/2019 15:21

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 04/09/2019 18:05

I've surprised myself at how upsetting I've found this - you poor thing, it's such a nasty thing and an even nastier thing to not be sorry for.

Like another poster said it's especially awful because I can't think of a way to fix it.

If I was your MIL I'd be on eBay finding the precious book sets (mine would be goosebumps and sweet valley high) and buying them for you, then sending with a sorry note. Surprised your DH hasn't suggested this to them tbh.

But she can't replace the stuff that's a one off, I don't know how she can fix this really I wouldn't blame you if it permanently hangs over your relationship with her.

Sorry OP what a shit thing to happen Thanks

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 04/09/2019 18:07

My MIL decided that my daughter was too old for some books and when I was at work put them in the charity bag, including the much loved Hairy McClary series. Thankfully she left the bag for me to put out and I saved them. Just stuff but MY stuff! She herself lives in chaos and clutter so that made it more ridiculous. OP you need time and space and tha factvyou aren’t getting it is so disrespectful

chickenyhead · 04/09/2019 18:09

Totally outrageous.

What next? Going through your clothes?

Nasty woman.

Chickenpie9 · 04/09/2019 18:10

OP that would be it for me I would go full on NC with her . I did it as did my DP with his mother after ten years into our relationship and it was the best thing for it . But to lose your belongings is terrible it’s not just ‘stuff ‘ it’s precious mementoes .

Dowser · 04/09/2019 18:19

Disgusted st what she’s done to you
Like a burglar coming in
I’d be livid and never want to speak to her again

mankyfourthtoe · 04/09/2019 18:20

Because she threw away just your stuff I would never get over it, unless you've got a better reason that's done to hurt you.
And as such, such bitter and mean people wouldn't be seeing my children for quite a while, I certainly wouldn't be letting my kids and dh go round and it be fine. If dh wants to go that's fine but tell him you don't want to hear about it after.

RandomMess · 04/09/2019 18:22

You really are under reacting and your DH needs to step up and have your back in this.

DH mistakenly through away my childhood doll (I let DC play with her but obviously she was worn) I was so upset and he finally stopped chucking stuff out because he thought it was junk. Miraculously I found a replacement on eBay as she wasn't something popular like Tiny Tears.

Original poster
paleandstale · 04/09/2019 18:26

Sorry for disappearing, post school madness. There’s a lot to think about in these replies, I’m going to read properly and come back.

One thing that’s made me feel nauseous is the realisation that my boundaries are a bit fucked up. It’s casts a slightly different light on other stuff in my relationship with my in-laws. And in turn I think my DH’s with them are too.

OP posts:
Soola · 04/09/2019 18:27

As an aside, anything sentimental should be photographed before you store it away so that I’m the event of it being thrown out or destroyed you have at least a reminder.

I have mentioned this post to a few other people and all have said it’s a sickening thing to happen and quite beastly of the woman.

Unforgivable seems to be the general consensus.

mankyfourthtoe · 04/09/2019 18:28

I'm not overdramatising in that my dh would not be taking my kids this weekend. If you think that's ok then yes your boundaries are off

mbosnz · 04/09/2019 18:29

I have a theory that people with fucked up boundaries and backgrounds are easy pickings and are attracted to, and attractive to, other people with fucked up boundaries and backgrounds. And so the toxic wheel revolves.

I've based that on intimate observation of two fucked up families that look relatively together from the outside, from within, for decades. And a shitload of therapy.

Basilneedswaterandsun · 04/09/2019 18:31

Christ, I’ve been living with DP for 11 years and I know him inside and out and I wouldn’t dream of chucking anything that belonged to him!!! Even if it looked battered.

Unless literally already in the bin, other people’s things are to be assumed precious/wanted/needed until confirmed otherwise. Everyone knows this.

dragonslair · 04/09/2019 18:38

I feel for you x1000. My story is maybe worse. I had precious things - my children's photos of special occasions, my degree certificates (one signed by Princess Diana), my thesis, letters of commendation, a medal for academic excellence, some "I love you mummy you are the best mummy in the world mummy" letters stored in ONE box in the loft. When my husband died (my children's stepfather), I had to move and clear the house. I got to that box last. It was still taped up and clearly marked "Dragon's Stuff Personal". I opened it to make sure the mice hadn't got to it and EVERYTHING WAS GONE. Replaced by random tools and shit. So my husband (who I loved) was dead and then I discover this. It annihilated every feeling for him. It destroyed 20 happy years. I will never ever ever understand or forgive it.

EllenRipley · 04/09/2019 18:39

Oh my GOD, that is bloody awful. You have every right to be furious & distraught, don't minimise how you feel, nor what MIL deserves. I'm really appalled on your behalf OP.

RandomMess · 04/09/2019 18:40

A lovely MIL would have done something like clean the fridge and the kitchen surfaces... non intrusive and helpful with zero impact!

Dinnyno · 04/09/2019 18:42

I would be livid. Not only did she throw your stuff out but it's the fact that she was having a nosey at your personal belongings. I would not forgive her at all. I would secretly make her life hell Grin

redexpat · 04/09/2019 18:42

What kind of philistine throws out Malory Towers books? Am so upset on your behalf.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 04/09/2019 18:44

I would never forgive this.

The books are bad enough but, in time, can be replaced but letters and photos never can.

I would never speak to her again.

Silene · 04/09/2019 18:45

I have thought about this for a while. I was so horrified by what happened to you, OP, because I know how precious even the handwriting of those we love is. As for doing such a wicked thing to one’s daughter in law, or to any other person, it is completely beyond me. I cannot even imagine touching anything belonging to another person, let alone a daughter in law. How dare they. I could never forgive that. I am so, so sorry. It is a breach of trust which could never be repaired.

hellenbackagen · 04/09/2019 18:48

unforgivable.

she invaded your space the minute she took it upon herself to decide what was "rubbish"

id be absolutely raging. no way would they be setting foot into my space again. ever. how could she decide your precious photos were rubbish?

my dp is a bit like this and it enrages me. everything of mine i moved in with is in the fucking loft. i lost it last week when i found my precious cross stitch up there covered in cobwebs and dust.

joyfullittlehippo · 04/09/2019 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardyloveit · 04/09/2019 18:51

This made me feel extremely sad! I keep all my sentimental things! My mum threw some away once and I had a storage unit that got bulldozed without any of us knowing - all my photos, letters etc were gone. For your own MIL to do that and only your things - nope never forgive her! She's ruined the relationship not you! Tell your husband to grow a back bone and stand up to them

redexpat · 04/09/2019 18:52

To add to those saying itwas deliberate etc etc the danish words for abuse translate rather well into english I think. We call this material violence and as pps have said it was a deliberate action to hurt you and disregard your boundaries.

timshelthechoice · 04/09/2019 18:53

Yes, your boundaries are way fucked up. I would never dream of doing this in my kids' houses, I'd 'help' by doing to hoovering and cleaning the bogs and kitchens for their return, maybe getting some fresh flowers and bubbly and making sure there's fresh milk and bread and butter for their return. I mean, you're supposed to love them, right? My son-in-law to be is such a lovely man, I've known him since he was a child. His parents are wonderful people who'd never consider doing something like this. His mother lost her only daughter as an infant, she loves DD like a daughter. We've made plans to make sure there's good food in their house waiting for them on their return from honeymoon, not paw through their personal belongings and throw them out! Or tell them they live in a 'junk filled chaos'.

Span1elsRock · 04/09/2019 18:54

That is honestly one of the most vicious things I've ever read on here.

She knew damned well that was your stuff OP.

I could never get past that and wouldn't even pretend to try.

Your DH needs to tell them to back off and stand up for you here.

I'm so so sorry Flowers