How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

Thinking about this, the fact you say 'it's just stuff' and 'I'll get past it' show you are just not taking in what your MIL has done. She has done something totally unforgivable and you ought to be enraged, not seeking some alone time to try and come to terms with it. She is an absolute bitch.

It's not 'just stuff', it's your history. It's your childhood. It's things that were precious to you, not for what they are, but what they represented.

You need space. Your husband needs to protect your space. Totally heartbreaking course of actions, and for what end? What's her goal? Your house has nothing of you in it?

This made me feel physically sick.
That would be it for me I think. Well done mil, you've successfully broken me, I'd say. Cold, hard, glaring silence if ever again in her presence.

Totally unforgiveable!

I've tried to imagine myself cat-sitting at my daughter's, looking in boxes belonging to her partner, and throwing away his possessions - and it is unimaginable.

Really I cannot imagine what she could have been thinking.

Additionally, re-organising in a grandchild's bedroom is extremely rude.

It isn't a case of buying yourself some time - they need to understand that they have fundamentally damaged their relationship with you, that you can no longer trust them to respect your possessions or feelings, and that the more they harass you now - (what are they hoping for, the damage is done, why are you supposed to be the one to be the bigger person) - the longer you will feel the pain and loss of your childhood possessions and family memorabilia.

I'm never normally motivated to share AIBUs with my husband, but this one disgusted me so much, and moved me so much that I told him what had happened to you.

He is normally a calm, sees both sides kind of guy, the strong silent type. He immediately said 'I'd go round to the MIL's house and trash it.'

THAT'S how awful what your MIL did to you.

Don't minimise it. It's totally beyond the pale.

I’d insist that the things are replaced and that forgiveness won’t be given until everything is replaced.

It says a lot that only your things were thrown away.

My MIL cat sat for us earlier this summer. The only thing she did was bleach our bathmat which in fairness needed it but we'd not got round to it before going, and trimmed some bushes in our garden which she knows I'm rubbish at by my own admission. As much as she doesn't like her DSs accumulation of crap, she wouldn't dream of even looking through it let alone turfing anything away.
Your ILs have massively and continue to massively overstep. It's appalling.

This is so dreadful. I have similar items in my own memory box and the thought of them being thrown out so carelessly by someone else makes me feel ill!

Bloody hell. I thought my mil was bad. I'd definitely have to get my husband to deal with that because I'd lose my shit, massively.

unexpected inappropriate behaviour on this scale can be a sign of early stages of dementia

If it was dementia why was it only OP’s stuff thrown away? She didn’t get rid of anything of her DS or DGC.

I think one of the first posters was spot on.

She ruined the relationship - not you.

She threw out your stuff.

Whether she thinks you are ridiculous hoarders or minimalist freaks - it's none of her damn business and certainly not her place to rearrange your stuff.

Her behaviour is just utterly appalling. I'd send her a message/letter along the lines of ;

MILs Name (Dont start with Dear)

I fail to see how me being upset is ruining our relationship when you have made it clear through your spiteful and illegal actions that we never really had a relationship to begin with.

You threw away many items that were very special to me and contained a lot of sentimental value. A lot of these items can never be replaced, but I would appreciate it and it would go somewhere to reparing the damage that you have caused if you could replace the ones that can be. The fact that you only threw my things away and not Dh's or DC's makes me think that have been harbouring a deep dislike for me in these past years. Also, I don't know if you realise this, but in throwing those possessions away, you were not just robbing me, you were robbing your grandchildren as well, as those items would have eventually been passed down to them.

I am very hurt and need time to myself to process and start to heal from the effect that your actions have had on me. Maybe one day I will be able to move past this, but if you continue to harass me/try to shift the blame on to me, there will be no hope of us ever having a relationship in the future.

Regards,

YN

If they have a key, I'd also demand it be returned pronto.

I couldn't forgive that either. The loss of your possessions is bad enough but the fact that it was only your stuff is like saying it's not your home or something.

This is one of the shittiest things I've read on mumsnet. It's NOT just stuff, and you should not get over it. I've never suggested anyone should go NC before but genuinely I would never speak to either of them ever again. If it had been stuff belonging to your husband too I'd still be furious but as it was just yours it was obviously deliberate. Truly disgusting behaviour. MIL is an utter cunt, no other way to describe her.

MIL, you chose to open and look through boxes that were not yours. You chose to throw away things that belonged to me. We are done. Don't contact me again. We have changed the locks. Goodbye.

I would would then want to add "you are a horrible person and I hate you" but obviously I would restrain myself.

I've tried to imagine myself cat-sitting at my daughter's, looking in boxes belonging to her partner, and throwing away his possessions - and it is unimaginable.

^^yes, this! Breathtakingly, brazenly inappropriate.

Hope you are going to be OK, OP. I would really encourage you to accept at least a token donation of a few second-hand books from the lovely PPs here - of course they aren't the same ones you lost, but they would be mementos of kindness to offset some of the awfulness of this memory.

You need to vent your spleen at her/them. She's absolutely bulldozed through boundaries, invaded your privacy, stepped over the line ...( then bloody Caught a jumbo jet, then a rocket which has sling shot around the sun and through a wormhole into the delta quadrant she's overstepped the line so far!)

Honestly, I'd be expecting DH to get a bomb under them to realise how outrageous they've been

Take any keys they have and never invite them to stay again- use a
Cat sitter in future

I'm appalled for you ... is your only hope!

Most of the In Law posts on Mumsnet make me roll my eyes and think the poster is being precious.
This is one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen on here - and makes me heartily glad I’m single and therefore have no PIL.
Accidents happen - my niece once threw out some of my jewellery which I was keeping at my mom’s when she was tidying up. We realised and found it, thank goodness, before the binmen came. That wasn’t malicious, just carelessness and rushing while trying to be helpful.
But this...this is appalling.
I have no advice on how to move past this, or if it’s even possible, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am.
One other thing, MIL should be paying for replacement books from eBay, amazon or wherever, and for photos to be copied if by any chance your parents or siblings have the same ones. Some things, like the letters, are of course irreplaceable.
Perhaps there is a lesson for the rest of us reading this, to take electronic copies of any documents or letters of sentimental value or keep them in a lockable fireproof box.

Oh, OP. It may well be a lost cause but I wonder if it's worth getting in touch with the council to see where the stuff might have been taken and if any of it is recoverable (apologies if someone has already suggested this). I'm so sorry, it is truly unforgivable.

Sweet valley high... Every month I would buy myself one from wh smiths, if I had of kept them for this length of time I would be heartbroken at someone throwing them out. I can't believe they would do this, I would be livid, how would they feel if someone did that to them???

I would also go round and steal some of her precious stuff. See how she likes it. Horrible woman.

Go set fire to her bedroom!! 🔥 😈

This is a real betrayal of trust here . It’s so much more serious than treating your irreplaceable possessions as so much garbage.
If your Fil keeps trying to guilt trip you by saying how upset Mil is remind him it’s not about how upset she is but how upset you are . Say you don’t want a fuss but to be allowed some space for at least a couple of weeks to come to terms with what’s happened as it was a real shock .
As your Mil only threw your property away it’s clear that of DH was considered more important. That’s an awful attitude on her part and I can’t help feeling her motives are not of the purest as she’s certainly inconsistent.
I had lovely in-laws first time round who if they came to stay did jobs around the house and left the place as clean as a new pin . My ex and I were always very grateful . If they had done what your Mil did they would never have been allowed back over the threshold !