How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

Isn't this basically theft?

Malicious and controlling, I am so very sorry.

It's over forty years now. My mother did this to me, when I left a toxic home as soon as I was old enough. The ultimate revenge. My childhood teddy, a doll called Dinah, and my favourite books. I look on ebay every now and then, to find a Dinah look alike. No luck so far.

There is one photograph of me as a child with my Granddad. That's all I have, along with a cheap brooch that belonged to my Grandmother.

Cruel and nasty and intended to hurt. I am so sad for you.

You can move on AND not have a relationship with either of them - and your husband should have your back on that.

I think the best definition of forgiveness is to let go of the negativity for your own sake.

The forget part of that idiom only benefits those that have perpetrated the harm.

She definitely did it on purpose, because she could.

She’s not only robbed you of your grandparents legacy, she robbed your children, and their children of their heritage too.

She literally tried to erase you.

It’s quite clear from their response they are not sorry, and indeed are incredibly manipulative.

I would exclude them permanently from my life, and let your husband facilitate GC contact.

OP I feel so sorry for you.

I am an aspiring minimalist and have got rid of 90% of my possessions but the golden rule in our house is that I never, ever throw out something belonging to DH.

It was such a deliberately invasive act to go into your cupboards, make a judgement about the value of your sentimental posessions and throw them out.

This isn't accidentally throwing out a single item without realising its value. This is a deliberate and systematic removal of things precious to you from your own home.

I would get over the loss of my stuff but I wouldn't get over the total disregard for my feelings, my privacy and my personal history.

I can't believe anyone would clear out someone else's things. That is really dreadful behaviour. I would find it very difficult to get over. I don't think I would what to see them again.

OMG this is really bad.
I wouldn't get over this easily.

This is absolutely unforgivable. Whatever joy could your Mil have got,by throwing your precious memory things away, as you mentioned that she was usually lovely.

I would also wan't some space from her now, her actions have been horrible, intrusive,and downright wrong. I dare say,that her being an older person,that she has probably got her own stack of oldie memory things put away somewhere,and she should be made aware of how she would feel , is someone did the same in her house.

She needs to feel big time guilt now, no matter what.

This is malicious and unforgivable. There is no doubt in my mind that she knew what she was doing given it is only your stuff that has gone.

My grandparents are dead now and if anyone threw their letters away I would never speak to them again and my marriage would be over if my husband tried to convince me otherwise.

My books to me are memories, of the times in my life when I read them. Some are presents from people who are no longer with us. If someone threw them away they would be throwing away my memories.

I also would not be happy with her rearranging rooms either. It is indantalising. I have written about my ex MIL using the emergency key to repaint the front room when we were away as she preferred white.

You really should be angrier about this OP and hopefully you see you are justified after reading the replies on this thread

The fact she didn’t throw anyone else’s things away and is minimising your feelings now would suggest to me that she sees you and your feelings as quite trivial, possibly infantile and inconsequential.

I’d get Dh to relay this message to them, (because at the moment they appear to be on send and not receive, which is why she is more upset about her feelings. She hasn’t absorbed any of the messages being given to her.):

‘Mum, the fact you are still blaming pale for this and minimising her feelings tells us you are not genuinely sorry for the gross intrusion into our lives and the irreparable emotional damage you have done by discarding pales treasured sentimental possessions. Until you can express a genuine apology with empathy for how pale feels we won’t be able to forgive you. You must reflect on what you have done and give us both a couple of weeks space to try to repair the current raw feelings. Please respect us on this and cease to contact pale.’

Please! Not the 'dementia' card

Does she hate you? Or did you have a miserable childhood that she thought she was liberating you from? It's so weird that she did that. YANBU to be furious.

I agree with PP’s and really would send a list of the books and demand they be replaced before you can move forward.

Mallory towers are very expensive to buy now.

Once replaced I’d still never speak to the man again.

She did it on purpose knowing this would hurt you. Why else was it only your stuff she chose to ‘clear out’?

I would have to go to their house while they were out and take their most prized possessions to the tip.

I wouldn't really but the urge to do so would be incredibly strong. Unforgivable imho.

Oh. My. God. That is so incredibly foul. If she had done that to me, that would be the end of the relationship. I would refuse to speak to her ever again, and I wouldn't allow her in my house.

I also think that it doesn't sound as though your DH is backing you up sufficiently.

I have a theory on why she only chucked my stuff out

What's your theory, Pale? Do you think she hates you?

... I'm so angry on your behalf. I want to go round to her house and bin her stuff!

My step mother did the same op, but with my deceased nan's photos. She burned everything. Precious, precious photos, from the war time, my nan getting married, her life in the 50s, 60s etc- all of it, every photo album, burned. I only found out when I asked where all the album's were (I knew where they'd been but they were gone when I looked) - she stared at me and said "it's normal in Thai Buddhist culture to burn the photos of the deceased so they can be with them in the afterlife". My nan was not anywhere near fucking Buddhist - it was my Thai step-mother's religion, but she didn't even asked, just fucking burned decades of precious memories. She "saved" me just 5 photos. I have nothing else. The pure anger and utter sadness I still feel all these years later still hits me sometimes. I hate that fucking bitch.

Brilliant advice from @TowelNumber42 - do everything she says OP.

I could NOT forgive this. The thought of someone going through my sentimental boxes and just chucking precious letters etc makes me feel sick.
It's a complete violation of your space, your life. MIL couldn't have sent a bigger message of flicking the Vs to you if she had pissed on the stuff like a discontented cat. She was marking her territory, make no mistake, and you NEED to stand up and reclaim it, and DH, for good or this won't be the last of her transgressions.

My DH would be livid if this was done to me. He would not be relaying me messages about my MILs worries to me. He would be tearing her off a strip and asking her to think about what she was going to do to make up.

Please read my comment to your DH. He is not protecting you as he should.

Were you on holiday in an underground nuclear bunker (practicing for brexit)? Or on a retreat in a Tibetan Monastery? They are the only reasons I can think that even if she did want to do a clear out as favour to you (bollocks) that she didn’t text and say ‘thought we’d do a clear out do you want this old stuff in the spare room?’ Or is she saying she thought it’d be a nice surprise for you?

I would tell her when she has replaced everything she has thrown out you will then speak to her. Shocking behaviour, i do not blame you one bit for being angry

Your MIL way overstepped the mark here and to only throw out your belongings and nobody else's is definitely saying something......

As a cat sitter, her only requirement was to feed the cat and leave.....

Make sure that they don't have any keys, if they won't hand them back then change the locks.

She is now making herself the victim, rather than truly apologise for her behaviour, but there is no excuse or reason for what she has done. It is really unforgivable.

Your DH needs to understand what she has done and support you in your decisions.

MIL isn't lovely and she hasn't got dementia. She quite deliberately removed your belongings at the first chance she got. She would be dead to me and I would tell her this and go NC.

Wow, she is one supremely vile bitch. Not only did she toss out your stuff but now has the nerve to be angry with you? She's an emotionally abusive cow.

I would never speak to her again. And your h, he needs to tell her she's not welcome in your home again. She completely violated you.

Because I’m nosy, I’m dying to know why you think she did it

I would never EVER forget this . I might “forgive”, for myself, but I’d never be able to bring myself above civil to her.

She obviously doesn’t want forgiveness that much if she’s not already bought all the novels off eBay at her own cost to replace