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Original poster

How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

581 replies

paleandstale · 04/09/2019 15:21

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

OP posts:
IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 16:55

Towelnumber42

Rudely. Be rude. It's the only way to survive such power games.

I have found this to be 100% accurate.

Spingtrolls · 04/09/2019 16:57

Oh wow. What an utter bitch. And making it all your fault on top, damn, that's one nasty, spiteful person.

I would sever contact with them. And like fuck would they ever step foot on my road, never mind my home.

I would be off to somewhere like b&q to get the barrels changed and dh told not to give them keys.

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 04/09/2019 16:58

I was trying to be measured in my approach with my initial response, but actually the more I think about it, I would be livid, and I would be telling my husband in no uncertain terms the strict new boundaries, and expecting him to back me 100%

shearwater · 04/09/2019 17:00

Unforgiveable. She shouldn't have touched your stuff, let alone given it away. She should be made to go and get it back, where possible.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2019 17:00

Oh, OP. Flowers Your grandparents letters Sad

Take the mantle of stroppiest woman in the family, she who must not be crossed, it is yours, put it on and be free.

This. ^^

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 04/09/2019 17:00

TowelNumber42
consider writing a self-help style confidence book. I will buy it.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/09/2019 17:01

My exs family did this to me in 2009 I'm still pissed off about it

shearwater · 04/09/2019 17:01

Just read that it has gone to the tip- how completely wasteful as well.

I'd be tempted to go round to her house and throw all her clothes in the bin.

Jetstream · 04/09/2019 17:02

My granny did it to my mother after she moved to another country. My mother was heartbroken. My granny’s response was ‘well you’ve moved away and I didn’t think you needed any of it anymore’.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 04/09/2019 17:03

I couldn’t forgive her. It’s not even about what she’s thrown out. She’s showing you that you’re as important to her as your ‘junk’

IceColdLemonade · 04/09/2019 17:06

I don't think most people could forgive this if they tried. I think the responses on this thread make that apparent.

katseyes7 · 04/09/2019 17:06

My mother once said to me "Do you still want that black suitcase in the back bedroom? l was going to throw it out."
lt had my wedding dress in it! Which l made myself.
Fair enough, it was in her house, but l'd left it there for safe keeping while we moved house. She'd have known what was in it (if she'd forgotten) if she'd bothered to open it. lt wasn't locked. Why the hell do people think they have the right to throw out other people's belongings?!
l'd have gone mad. You're perfectly within your rights to do the same, and to refuse contact. At the very least you deserve a heartfelt and grovelling apology. Which l suspect you won't get. Your DH needs to have your back on this one.

Thornhill58 · 04/09/2019 17:09

@TowelNumber42 I like you. You'll be my favourite friend. The one that can tell me that I'm wrong and I'll be thanking you after you slap some sense into me.
You need an online course on how to deal with difficult people. Smile

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 04/09/2019 17:09

I can’t imagine a world in which my mother in law would do this. It’s just batshit. She doesn’t get to play the victim and I would be cross with my DH if he wasn’t making that clear.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 04/09/2019 17:11

What an incredibly unkind thing to do. I'd be distraught.

How about writing her a letter saying "Dear MIL, you have thrown out a number of things which were very precious to me. It was an invasion of privacy for you to even start looking in the boxes. A moment's thought would have made it obvious that these were my personal mementos and not 'junk' for anyone else to throw out.
Until you genuinely accept that you have done something unkind and upsetting and apologise appropriately to me I do not wish to see you.
Stop trying to blame me for being upset by your poor behaviour and stop trying to manipulate DH with your tears. It is not you who has a right to be upset by this incident; it is me. "

BingBongBay · 04/09/2019 17:11

I think you need to take a step back and consider what fucked upness has led to your under-reaction. This is a bloody horrible thing to do, and can't really be done by mistake, can it? Imagine it.
I'm so sorry this was done to you.

Silverlining101 · 04/09/2019 17:14

As a Sweet Valley High fan I am GUTTED on your behalf. Unforgivable.

BowiesJumper · 04/09/2019 17:17

I would be SO upset about this! Photos and letters? Who throws those away if they don't belong to you!? I genuinely can't think of a good reason... What was her justification??
(if you want to borrow a malory towers, give me a shout Wink )

Bubblysqueak · 04/09/2019 17:18

This is completely unforgivable, your DH really needs to back you up.

mynameisMrG · 04/09/2019 17:20

My God I am actually furious for you!

spongedog · 04/09/2019 17:21

I would be delighted if you would let me send you my Malory Towers books. They were 2nd hand even in my childhood, and are probably fairly battered, but they were read and read and would come to you holding good strong memories. Please let me know if I can help with this. They are in the loft, together with other childhood books.

I am speechless that another adult would decide what you should keep in your home. I agree with so many of the other wise pps. Your MIL did this deliberately, facilitated by your FIL. Time for DH to stand up and be counted, no matter how tricky for him (and his fucking easy life).

proudestofmums · 04/09/2019 17:21

Would it help to mentally move x years into the future - mil is No longer able to be in her own home which you are clearing for her. What do you throw out of hers?

I’m kicking myself - I’ve just been catsitting for DS and DDIL _ got a bit bored once or twice. Now if I’d only thought of spring cleaning DDIL’s stuff!

Tonnerre · 04/09/2019 17:25

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

You and/or your husband should bombard him with messages about how upset you are. This was an atrocious thing to do. How dare they even look in your private stuff, let alone throw it away? It might be worth pointing out to him that, technically, this is theft.

MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I hope your DH has told her that the only person risking the ruin of the relationship is her?

TheNestedIf · 04/09/2019 17:26

I could not forgive this. I think I'm actually angrier about this than you are, OP and it wasn't even my stuff.

lovemenorca · 04/09/2019 17:27

She’s “usually lovely” and you seem fond of her

Yes she’s massively crossed the line but if this is out of character and she really is “usually lovely”, unexpected inappropriate behaviour on this scale can be a sign of early stages of dementia