How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

Haven’t read the whole thread, forgive me. Could you contact the dump and ask if you can go for a rummage to see if you can find your stuff?

I think KetoWithIF has hit the nail on the head. Your MIL thinks it’s fine to get rid of your possessions, because you have taken hers (her son/grandchildren). I’d also say she wants to force your husband to choose between you and her, but she doesn’t want to ask him this directly. She wants to make you give the ultimatum, so she has deniability. So she has spent years goading you to this end. She 100% believes he would choose her. Probably because he has put up with her behaviour this long for a quiet life.

Please! Not the 'dementia' card

I was just thinking "Blimey! No-one's come on saying 'But she might have dementia' " . . .

. . . . and I saw this

Do not forgive her - she has rifled through your belongings and has decided what is ‘rubbish’ and what is not. AWFUL!

Keto

Pale I am so, so, sorry! You did not deserve to be treated with such disdain! Your in-laws are beyond cruel, what she has done is EVIL! She is a very dangerous woman and not someone who should be around your DC!

It’s time to make a stand as a family, your DH needs to explain to your dc just how cruel what his Mother did to you was and that as a result s a family you need to make a stand and not have contact with their grandparents for a while. I would suggest no contact for the foreseeable future but you could take it a month at a time. When my in-laws crossed a line, I completely broke contact and stopped all contact between them and our dc. DH chose to take a month away from contacting then, he then extended this to three months and with counselling and a real look into the abuse he suffered as a child, we have been NC for 8 blissful years now. DH has talked via phone on a handful of occasions which only served to reinforce to him how much happier he is without them in his life.

I never forced my husband to stop contact, he was welcome to visit/ call/ speak to them, but I barred them from our home and from contact with our dc. They did not react well, spreading lies throughout dh’s family and swarming us with flying monkeys. I blocked every single person!

I thoroughly recommend the books Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws- they are both written by Susan Forward.

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=2GIHSHJUO7BWP&keywords=toxic+parents&sprefix=Toxic+p%2Caps%2C157&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1567708295&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&keywords=toxic+in-laws&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1567708342&sr=8-1

Your story of your MIL trying to get you to move to Spain brought back memories, I was heavily pregnant with my DD and hospitalised on bedrest due to going into premature labour whenever I mobilised. MIL almost convinced DH to leave me, taking our DS and moving over to Australia with our two year old ds. Apparently it was fair as we would have one each! Over my dead body! I found out as two year old ds was telling me that Grandma was screaming at Daddy and that she hated Mummy. Dh broke down and told me everything when I asked wth our son was talking about.

Don't forgive

She ruined the relationship

If dh wants to see them with the kids then fine, but not in your house or company.

They have blatant disrespected you in an absolutely horrible manner

Never speak to them again

I would be devestated, I suffer some memory issues and would feel like my actual memory had been thrown away as I depend a lot on sentimental objects and pictures.
I hope you are okay but I think you need to tell her straight what she's done and how it's made you feel.

Fuck, i often feel sorry for the mil on mumsnet but this is horrendous. Absolutely unforgivable. If my mil threw away my faraway tree books she wouldn’t breathe again. I love my mil.

I also think your theory on MIL's behaviour is under-selling it. She actively dislikes you, rather than thinking you are personally irrelevant

Exactly this. OP I was reading your theory on why she did it thinking ‘no no no no no’. You are being far too generous. If she thought you were irrelevant, she would ignore you. Disregard you. Actually, she’s actively trying to hurt you. Trying to get rid of you.

I agree with @TheLightSideOfTheMoon... this is unforgivable and it is THEIR error.

You also don't need to worry about getting over it.. that was YOUR belongings and they had zero right to throw them away.

It doesn't matter what your DH is "putting up with" from his parents. They crossed a major line and personally I wouldn't let them in my house again because they cannot be trusted and have zero respect for your or your house.

When you are ready why not face PIL and go their house. Sit down with them and ask them how they would like it if you walked around their house right now (stand up and look around for full effect) and removed any items YOU don't like and think they shouldn't have and they won't get a say in what goes?

CF in the extreme. You take all the time you need.

Omg how fucking dare she do that! I would be totally fuming. U are well within ur rights to be as angry as hell. I would never let either of them in my home again. She's ruined the relationship not u. Go to their hse and bin all their stuff how wld they like it? ?? No excuse they are totally in the wrong.

I suppose to some families this would be normal.The relationship with parents continues beyond adulthood.For me this has never been the case.As adults this becomes totally unacceptable.Make it very very clear where your boundries are as I dont think she gets this

Your DS is fabulous - if he has noticed it then it must be more obvious than yuo can imagine. They also do not need to see their mum treated like this.

Good for you and glad your DH is supporting you.

Your MIL def knows what she is doing - rise above.... and away!!

With this history, my theory is that she sees anything to do with me personally as irrelevant so my belongings were not important and so binning them was not a big deal.

Or, she knew your things were important, she knew they were a big deal, and she spent time searching and finding the most personal sentimental things she could and hurting you as much as she possibly could by throwing them away.

Take a moment to think about her mindset. She didn’t accidentally find just your stuff. She didn’t accidentally throw it away. She thought this through, probably planned it in advance, and it took her time.

Sorry, I hope that’s not too painful to read, but better you know what this woman is capable of then give her any shred of a benefit of the doubt.

I have a MIL like that. we had only just had our ds2 and two days before moved into our new house but we had went to my fathers for the Sunday as we did every week, when we came back to our house the curtains had been put up in my sons room and they had started put pictures on the wall and do washing.
felt violated that they had taken the spare key i trusted them with and entered my home without asking and started doing what they wanted with my belongings.
needless to say they couldnt understand why i was upset

no matter what they say or what you say deep down they will always feel that they are right and you are just this baby making machine that they have to control! good luck trying to get your point across!

Unforgiveable... I'm so sorry she did that to you. So horrible. How could ever trust her after that. Bleugh. X

Either get dh to speak to her about how upset you are because she threw out old sentimental stuff from your childhood and that messaging you constantly will not work and will only upset you more. That she's crossed a line , no matter how much u appreciate her /him catsitting they are your things and your things alone and she had no right to do that without permission. That texting u mutiple times per day will make u angrier when all u need is a bit of space to calm down.

Or text similar to the above :
" Dear MIL, We appreciate you catsitting for us Thank u very much. I think you've misjudged the situation as you threw away my things without consulting me or my permission which were of sentimental value and I feel you have been inconsiderate of my feelings rather than the other way around. Some of these things were very precious to me. I am currently very upset as I feel you shouldn't have touched my things without my permission, no matter how "well intentioned " this was. Bombarding me with texts will not workand will make the situation escalate and I do nit want that. I just need space and time to calm down not constantly hearing how much I've upset you. So I respectfully ask that you stop texting me to give me that space to do so. Please do not throw away my things without asking me first next time and this whole upset would have been avoided. We respect you and are grateful for your support and I don't want to argue with you any longer. "

Not/*

Unforgivable IMO. Way out of order. As much as my MIL didn't agree with our chaos sometimes. She never threw anything out.

Anyone throwing my Sweet Valley collection out would be be very sorry

This is just appalling, I can't get my head around anyone being so cruel. Poking round your house and moving any of your personal belongings would be unforgivable in itself, throwing out your books and letters is wicked.

When we look after our DGS, at our DS's or DD's house, the most I ever do to the house without being asked is load and unload the dishwasher, make the DGS's beds when they've got out of them, and tidy up any mess that's been made while we were there. It's not that we don't want to help out - we'll do gardening, having checked first on what they want us to do, and we've done bits of decorating for them when they're away, with paint and full instructions provided by them, natch! But we wouldn't dream of taking it on ourselves to move things about, to poke around their personal items, even of getting the vac out or cleaning the bathroom (which to me would smack of judging their standards). How dare she be so intrusive?!

You've been very unfortunate in your inlaws, OP. I'm just glad that your DH is supporting you.