How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

I’m not sure whether to laugh or be incensed regarding the job in Spain. That’s ridiculous!

Your MIL is bat shit crazy

I would include in my text to them that they have solid brass necks and that you are now reassessing the entire relationship.

Block them.
Change the locks to your house even after DH goes to pick up the keys. They are going to make copies.

Your DH needs to get onside.

and that you are now reassessing the entire relationship.

in light of their continued harassment of you

I have not read the whole thread.. But wanted to say to IP... I cried reading your post.
I lost letters sent to me by my grandmother in a house fire... I miss them to this say yrs later.
Books.. Yep, OK stuff.. But personal letters... That's not stuff.
I would ask your pil.. How would they feel if they lost all the baby photos of your dh... Cis someone threw them out...???
As for the question in your first post.. Just say "fick off I need some space to grieve the loss of my precious family memories"

This is unbelievable. I would tell DH to get your key back and inform them that they are no longer welcome in your home. Ever. If you DH wants to take children to them then I suppose that is fine but I would give them a wide berth. They have no one to blame but themselves.

I thought I had problems with my In-Laws, but they pale into insignificance with yours.
Stay strong and do what suits you. I’m glad your DH is supporting you.

She's really overstepped the boundaries there. YANBU and it's telling she only threw out your stuff.

If she makes it so clear she hates you that your children have picked up on it, it is time to go no contact. Seriously, they are having a close relationship with someone who hates their mother! That cannot be good for them.

FWIW, you seem to be responding in a hugely reasonable and decent way to a completely up warranted and unreasonable intrusion upon your home and privacy. X

What a cow she has been to you, id would be fucking lividThat behaviour of hers is beyond the pale. I wouldn’t speak to her again to be honest.some people have brass necks.
My mil took two bottles of my dup perfume, didn’t ask, and my stupid “d” h told her it was fine, because I had lots of perfume, including an expensive one he and DS had bought me for Christmas, so he thought it was fine for her to take my mine! I was fucking raging!

OP sending you

There’s no excuse for MIL behaviour, going through your personal items and throwing them out! Disgraceful and spiteful behaviour.

She was snooping. If she was ‘helping’ why not ask your permission?

Collect your keys, and tell her you need time and space.

You are totally allowed to feel angry, hurt,violated, and the whole gamut of "Just WHO does she think she is How fucking DARE she do that!!"

You have EVERY right to disconnect from her and NOT be coerced into seeing her again except at her funeral.
You matter JUST as much as she does if not MORE as you are the victim. But dont stay the victim. Grab your righteous anger and your dignity and show yourself what you are worth and where your lines are. Use this horrible incident as the moment you said "No..Not putting up with this and this is the consequence of crossing my line"

And be proud of yourself for doing it.
Once you find your self worth your life will change for the better. Trust me mine did.
I said it on the 22nd March 2016.
Life has never been so good.

Stay strong.

Well you're a bigger person than me, because I'd never get over it. Or forgive.

How dare she???

Change your locks (or move)

They threw away your belongings. That is unforgivable.

Totally agree with this.

She shouldn't take it upon herself to clear your rooms; but having done so, AT WORST she should have put the box of what she regarded as "junk"" to one side for you to make your own decision.

Go to her house. Go into her bedroom. Throw away her treasures.

I wish I hadn't read this. Why some people feel they can act like this is beyond me. I bet you look back on the 'job in Spain' incident and think you didn't realise what that actually meant. Even if you get the books replaced I would go low contact, I'd be looking for the same for my children too. They have noticed you are treated badly and have seen you put up with it to keep the peace. The consequences have been painful and cruel.

Breathless at the sheer malignancy of your MIL’s actions. It is utterly unforgivable and I would be going NC with her. for you and for everyone else who has suffered similar. How people can live with themselves I have no idea.

I think her trousers should be the first things that go @KetoWithIF

When I was a teenager my walls were plastered with my favourite group and I came home from school to find my aunt decorating the bedroom. I thought they had just taken them down but they had thrown them away.

If it was the Bay City Rollers they were justified....

😱
@SchadenfreudePersonified

Just wanted to reiterate what other posters have said: she is not great with your DC, because she is horrible to you. One way of abusing children is to abuse their mother. And that's what she's been doing to you. It's as well they haven't been exposed to her behaviour very often.

You are still engaging and giving their utter rubbish validity.

she'd told BIL that I was angry she cleaned up our 'mess of a' house, she only did it because she was so worried about DC living in such chaotic mess and was concerned they'd get bullied about it. Three boxes that were in a cupboard in the spare room are bullying fodder apparently. Madness. Clearly has zero comprehension of how she's made me feel.

BTW - our house is quite minimalist, quite far from chaos, I had a Kondo phase last year and everything that sparked joy but wasn't immediately useful, like a collection of SVH books, for example, were packed up and placed in a cupboard.

She knows how you feel and she bloody loves it. Look, she went to considerable effort to hurt you to the maximum.

She came to your house and went through every corner, every hidden box, every drawer, every single thing in your house until she found hidden away in boxes, in a cupboard, in a spare room your most obviously precious irreplaceable items. Then she took them out and put them in the bin. She kept quiet about it until they were definitely gone.

She got off on it. You don't do that type of targetted search and destroy by accident. It was done to hurt you to the maximum. Why on earth are you pretending it could have been anything else?

At least she didn't "accidentally" kill the cat.

How do you feel knowing she fingertip searched your house over many many hours?