How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

She's a vicious cunt and she knows exactly how she made you feel. I think it's best to keep your kids away from her as much as possible.

I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said except to send you a massive and very un-mumsnetty hug. My mother did this to me about 4 years ago and I’m still not over it. We moved house dozens of times as I was growing up so my books and mementos were my touchstone. My parents stored them for a short while whilst we moved house and during that time my dad died, so my mum cleared out the house and in doing so threw away everything of mine without asking. It included my grandmother’s books, and all the ones from when I was tiny with inscriptions in. It’s been nearly 5 years and I still feel tearful thinking about it. And that’s knowing she was grieving and not trying to be malicious!!

I don't think you can be an amazing grandparent if you don't respect your dgc's parent.

"I don't think you can be an amazing grandparent if you don't respect your dgc's parent."

Or so obviously dislike them that said GC can tell!

Glad to hear your DH - and your BIL - are supporting you.

You are not a shitbag at all.

Absolutely diddl. Even my ILs aren't that bad.

Not much to add to the other comments but just to say I admire the way you've decided to deal with your loss OP Keep this toxic woman far, far away and don't let her drive a wedge between you and your family, which is clearly what she wants.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad totally agree with your assessment. I saw this with my own ex-MIL. I was a nobody to her and post-divorce that behaviour and attitude amplified, as ex-DH didnt seem able to get it. I cant wait for ex-PIL to die.

I've been thinking about this thread since I read it yesterday. I understand what you're saying about suddenly realising that your expectations of boundaries aren't the same as other people's. I've been there because of my childhood too and counselling really helped.

Don't let them minimise this, you deserve a sincere apology and your husband should be on your team with this.

I'm not sure I've ever felt so angry on a posters behalf before and I've been knocking around these parts for years! Poor you

What an appalling way to behave, I’d be devastated too, yanbu xx

My SIL did similar, in the name of "helping" when I had DS and DD was two. Said there was too much clutter for babies around. Funnily enough she didn't launch DHs stuff but she also threw away toys of Dads that she said weren't educational or were too baby age for her.
Safe to say I've barely spoken to her since and DD is now 13.
It's disgusting and intrusive of anyone, no matter if they think you live in shit or not, it's not their home, it's not their stuff, it's not their place.

And it's not for you to tell them to leave you the fuck alone, it's your DHs. I made mine tell his sister how pissed off I was.

Thats absolutely disgusting. You do not go into anyones home and do that let alone throw stuff away. Forgiving is one thing as it only hurts you. Forgetting is another. You put your boundaries in place and keep to them.

Ask your husband and them if it's ok to go round theirs and start clearing there stuff out? I wouldn't let them in my home again on their own. Take the cat to them in future or put it in a cat hotel.

Same applies to babysitting. The grandchildren go to them. They dont get to stay in your home alone. Its called respect. They haven't got any.

Forgiveness and boundaries are two different things. You can go through the process of forgiving, put and keep boundaries in place.

I freaking despair of Grandparents I read about. I as a Granna to 3 would never do it nor any of the stuff I see on here. Fact is I am too laidback probably, I'm totally

Toys of DDS sorry!

Last word should say "told"

What a liberty!! Its theft, not her belongings to do anything with. I would never have her in my house again and would have hit the roof.
BTW Mallory Towers books are very sought after now

I should have done Footle - have PMed her now.

I feel for you OP. My former MIL crossed every fucking boundary going, but at least she never chucked my stuff out. She always put my “shit” (as my ex DH called it) in neatly labelled plastic crates. Books can be replaced, although it’s not quite the same. But the sentimental things that’s are irreplaceable? That is truly unforgivable. They were your private things in your home. Who the fuck did she think she is?

Ps: I’m so glad my current PILs live abroad and don’t give a shit about us.

@maras2 wow, that's quite a story! That's kind of uplifting in a way.
@paleandstale That is not ok, bloody hell, who does that?!

May want to consider going over to accept her apology, then rummage through her stuff and throw her 'junk' out because as old person they do collect a lot of junk!

Our container was ransacked during our move, all our worldly goods were on there. So much stuff stolen, irreplaceable items that belonged to my parents, things that meant so much. Photos, books and even a wooden spoon carved by my Father that they probably chucked away. It's a year later now and I'm only just coming to terms with our loss. I really feel your pain OP, look after yourself, it affected me quite badly. Your MIL is a nasty piece of work, I really have no idea why she thought she had the right to do that to you.Hugs.

She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me

I'd be utterly utterly furious. And tell her so, and expect a deep apology and a genuine enquiry about making amends.

I had a DP who did this to me. He threw a way loads of my stuff while I was on holiday with the kids. We are not together anymore. I sympathise. It feels horrible. I still miss some of those things.

And now I've RTFT - you and your DH are awesome. You've dealt with this so well - clear, thoughtful, reflective, and assertive. Brava