How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

Yeah.... her theory seems to be “You’ve done your bit, now fuck off!” You don’t seem to be taking the hint though. That’s why she’s erased your past and is trying to find you a job IN SPAIN....
She is batshit fucking psycho and overly enmeshed.

Did she even know it was just your stuff? Because I think this is one of those 'parents know best'

Yes it was in OPs house, whose else would not belong to?
She’s not a parent and OP isn’t a child - MIL should’ve minded her own business

Glad DH is backing your corner. I am so sad for you

I am sure I have a set of Malory Towers books somewhere OP. I'll have a hunt and send you a photo to see if they are the same set (will be late-seventies early eighties edition) - if they are I am happy to post them to you. May take a while though (I have not yet Marie Kondo-ed my junk).

I hope DH tells his parents that the DC didn't want to go and see them because they are angry and upset at what MIL did to their Mum and how upset it made her. . .

I imagine that would be one of the most punishing things they could be told. . .

Pale - you're still not quite getting it, I don't think. This comment you made:
"Clearly has zero comprehension of how she's made me feel."
Nah, she knows. She just doesn't give a shiny shit. What she's trying to do, as you've sort of noticed but seem to be trying to laugh off, is that she IS trying to erase you. She wants no part of YOU in her life. She sees you as the incubator for her grandchildren, not their mother, not a person who is worthy of love and respect.

^ That is absolutely spot on, having read your further updates with the job in Spain, etc. I would even go as far as to question why you would let her have anything to do with your children going forward. After all, given the utter bollocks she's spouting to your BIL etc you can only assume she'll try to get your DC on her side.

Wow she really wanted to fall out with you. What a cow.

Omg I’ve only read the OP. I know we say it all the time here but I would be absolutely livid. I would not forgive, nor forget. What she has done is completely unforgivable IMO. My OH would be instructed to tell his PIL not to touch my things ever again and I would not be spending any time with them, possibly ever or at least for the foreseeable future. They would not be welcome in my home. If my OH did not back me up in this I would seriously be thinking about ending it with him.

We were burgled about 20 years ago, usual stuff, TV, radio etc.
They did take my box of 'treasure' ie. baby hospital bracelets, diaries, school reports, my childhood Rosary Beads etc.
Insurance took care of the replaceable stuff but the box of my memories was irreplaceable. I was bereft and inconsolable.
5 days later doorbell rang, no one there but my box of treasure was sitting there on the doorstep.
It had been rummaged through but nothing was broken or missing.
Seems like our ratbag burglers had more of a conscience than your in laws.
So sorry for your loss of lovely things.

You might think they're amazing with the boys but they've carefully observed the IL being awful to you, and you and your dp accepting it. I'd say that's affecting their boundaries.

She's not bright, is she? Otherwise she'd work out that she couldn't possibly claim that something shut away in a box in a cupboard constituted a chaotic mess that the grandchildren would get bullied about.

'yeeeahhhh, I mean she's never really liked you has she mum, you can't be that surprised'

If they were genuinely amazing grandparents that sentence wouldn’t have come out your 8yos mouth.

Move on??

I’d be murdering them both - there would be NO ‘moving on’. How the fuck dare they?!

Serioysly, why the actual fuck did they think they could do that??

I mean she's never really liked you has she mum, you can't be that surprised

I think your DS has summed up the entire thread.

@Hippee , if you tag OP she will see your very kind offer - otherwise she might miss it on this long thread.

OP I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. It brought tears to my eyes.

I have no birth family remaining and if ANYONE destroyed my photos, letters, cards and other mementoes, I would not be responsible for my actions.

If she was ever physically in my presence I am certain I would try and hit her, and I've never committed violence in my life.

I would NEVER forgive her. I would never speak to her again, she would be dead to me.

She did this deliberately. It is so cruel, to know you are destroying something irreplaceable, why does she hate you so much.

I would minimise her presence in the life of my children as well, to hurt her back. If my husband tried to make me in any way move from this stance, then he could fuck off back to her.

One of the most evil things I have ever read on Mumsnet. Other MIL shit pales in comparison.

I'm so sorry for you.

I agree with pps that she doesn't like you.

If she thought that you were irrelevant then why trouble herself to make an effort to do something that will only affect/upset you?

Hopefully your husband will collect the key & leave & if asked about the kids will tell his parents that they didn't want to come.

You can teach your dc a valuable life lesson out of all this op; that you don't let anyone who treats you like shit into your home or your life. They will notice how you react to this.

I'm so glad your DH is stepping up, Pale.

I don't think you should have given her the option of the olive branch (replacing the books). She quite obviously hates you - even your young son has picked that up. She's been trying to get you out of the way for years - she just wants her son and her DGC all to herself. I'm sticking to what I said before - I think you should go NC with her, for ever.

I agree with a lot of other posters: I think you don't have a strong enough sense of your own boundaries. You're still not as angry as you should be about this.

Did your parents get rid of your real, living dog? Not just a toy dog? That's absolutely horrible - no wonder your boundaries are damaged.

Good luck, Pale. I hope you find the strength to cut this vile woman out of your life.

Don't feel like a Shitbag. It's hard, we are raised that families are everything. Doesn't matter really what they do, well it's family so we are supposed to forgive.
That's great when you have a decent family. When they are cunts it's best to block them. All they do is cause more resentment and hatred. But it's difficult to do because of the family rubbish.
Don't be hard on yourself. It's hard to see until your eyes are finally opened to it.
Don't constantly think about her previous behaviour. Look to a good future without such a spiteful, twisted person involved.

Your 8yo's comments would be a game changer for me. This was an awful, vindictive act and it's ok for you to react in a way that your ILs see as challenging. This kind of act requires a equal and opposite response. Fuck them.

Pale - I agree with some other posters, you're still minimising. It makes me just want to hug you. Her comment that the clutter would affect the DC and make them be bullied is absolutely what I'd have expected - everything she does is to remove you from your DH and DC's lives because she genuinely seems to think that their lives will be better without you in them. That includes your physical presence, your stuff etc.

I occasionally roll my eyes because MIL doesn't have any pictures of me in her house - they're all of Dh and the DC. But as she also has limited pictures of my DH's siblings, we all just shake our heads at her well known favouritism of DH. DH gets embarrassed and has at various times tried to get her to dial it back.... (the curling posters from a high school production he was in that graced the corridor between the lounge and kitchen were, I think, the final straw for him!)

You have wise dc. This has saved them from ever having to deal with her again.
She has blown any chance of being a dgm imo.