How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

I’m so very glad your husband is finally on board.

What lies had they told BIL?

omg she is batshit. The Spain job was awesome and glad you can laugh about it.

Good to hear that not only is your dh on board, but so is your bil and sil. Your dc's are probably relieved having the option to not go.

"It then transpired that she thought that I would take this job, go and live in Spain and DH and DC would go an move in with them. Fucking batshit. DH and I laughed long and hard."

Absolutely batshit crazy.

"With this history, my theory is that she sees anything to do with me personally as irrelevant so my belongings were not important and so binning them was not a big deal."

I'd say it goes a step further based on the wedding/spain etc anecdotes - she sees your stuff as getting in the way of DH and DC's space and enjoyment.

Sounds like you and DH are on the same page which is great. I do often think that MILs get a bad rap on here, but this is so completely out of order it's astonishing.

Glad your Dh sees them for what they are - manipulative, rotten to the core cunts. The Spain story really seals that description of them.

Even if they trawled through the dump and found your beloved items, I'd still never speak to them again. It's not even you, your sil is obviously treated like shit too if she doesn't have anything to do with them. I'd be very disappointed if Dh pandered to them ever again after this appalling episode. It's time they realised that their spiteful actions have negative consequences for them. I'm delighted the kids don't want to see them this weekend. Again, I'd be inclined to change the locks, just in case they do have 25 sets of keys for your house 😡

It's good that your sister has some of your grandparents writing, and lovely that everyone is being so supportive towards you and trying to ease the upset from the loss of your items.

@LovePoppy she'd told BIL that I was angry she cleaned up our 'mess of a' house, she only did it because she was so worried about DC living in such chaotic mess and was concerned they'd get bullied about it. Three boxes that were in a cupboard in the spare room are bullying fodder apparently. Madness. Clearly has zero comprehension of how she's made me feel.

BTW - our house is quite minimalist, quite far from chaos, I had a Kondo phase last year and everything that sparked joy but wasn't immediately useful, like a collection of SVH books, for example, were packed up and placed in a cupboard.

@Spingtrolls yeah, I feel like a bit of a shitbag about that, I've always strongly encouraged the DC grandparent relationship (my parents are no longer with us) they know what's been going on, DS 8 said last night in his slightly stroppy 8 year old way: 'yeeeahhhh, I mean she's never really liked you has she mum, you can't be that surprised'

Oh she needs serious psychiatric help

Kids always know this stuff!

Do not feel like a shitbag, you are not responsible for your Outlaws behaviour. They have brought this on themselves.,

Well, if you or DH ever waiver you only have to think on that - an 8 year old can see it clearly. Why can't you? That's socialisation for you... and you both had parents with boundary issues!

DH and I did the same for each other. I could plainly see where his family treated him like an occasionally useful spare part and he could see how mine forgot I exist the second I was out of sight. We got angry n each other's behalf.. and then worked our way through the emotional crap that came with seeing ourselves so very differently!

It is far nicer this side of that heartache!

giving away my dog because i'd been naughty on the school bus

Oh god. I could weep for you, pale.

I also think your theory on MIL's behaviour is under-selling it. She actively dislikes you, rather than thinking you are personally irrelevant. Your DS is on the money, at 8 years old. Trying to get you to take a job in Spain when your DC were tiny. Fucking hell.

I am so glad all your family are behind you.

It's not you, it's definitely them. And you can't argue with crazy so don't even bother.

Wow! Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.,.

I'm really pleased the DC don't want to go and visit them,I felt your MIL would drip lies about you to them - I was right, wasn't I? She's done the same to your BIL and SIL.

Perhaps DH and his brother will have a clearer view of the behaviour of their mother and back away from her to support and protect their wives and children. And it would be an entirely appropriate response to her shockingly shit behaviour. Serve her right. Relations can be re-established after suitable grovelling and a long long time. If ever.

Thanks for update, glad DH is on the same page

She's a toxic fucker @paleandstale. You're being too kind. I'm glad your dh and dc are standing with you.

And as for your dog being given away??? I'm not surprised your boundaries are blurred if you grew up with this level of emotional bullying. That's shocking and sad in equal measure. Good luck

Yeah everything she told BIL was bullshit.
As I said she was trying to erase you from the family.

She doesn’t give a flying fuck about your feelings because you’re ‘less than’.

I wouldn’t have given them the option of the olive branch tbh, if they do that they’ll feel that they’ve ‘made up’ for it and reset the status quo.

But they still threw your grandparents and your children’s great-grandparents away.

You can buy the books back yourself.

She is playing every card she has, as she clearly didn’t understand there would be consequences to her actions which are, quite rightly, no contact with you or your children.

One MIL with both DIL’s NC?

It’s what she deserves and what is healthiest for your family.

Jeeze pale. They gave your dog away as punishment? No wonder you're having trouble determining what is and is not unacceptable behaviour from your inlaws. . .

Pale - you're still not quite getting it, I don't think. This comment you made:
"Clearly has zero comprehension of how she's made me feel."
Nah, she knows. She just doesn't give a shiny shit. What she's trying to do, as you've sort of noticed but seem to be trying to laugh off, is that she IS trying to erase you. She wants no part of YOU in her life. She sees you as the incubator for her grandchildren, not their mother, not a person who is worthy of love and respect.

She, in other words, is a devious, manipulative hateful bitch who wants her son back.

I'm glad your DH has seen the light better now, and that his brother and wife also know how awful they are.

I hope that you can start to see them in their true colours too - she's fucking dangerous. Imagine trying to get you to move to SPAIN so she can get you out the way and have her son and his children back with her - that is, as you say, batshit BUT it's also quite evil. I can guarantee if you'd gone she'd have done her uttermost to keep you away and get her son to divorce you and take full custody of the children.

If even your 8yo can see that she doesn't like you, then your opening statement of "MIL who is usually lovely" is so far off that it's vanishing into the distance. She is not and has never been lovely TO YOU, by the sound of it.

I'm so sad for you that your own parents were equally fucked up and have left you feeling that this is "normal" for the way people should treat you - it really, really isn't.

(((hugs))) for you (sod unmumsnetty), and - cut the bitch right out and never see/speak to her again.

Also, your sister sounds brilliant and I'm glad she has some stuff she can let you have a copy of.

My mil would introduce my dc as 'dh's name's' children, as if i were just a bloody incubator. Used to wind me up. Now i pipe up with 'and mine, of course' .
I had to do a lot of work on myself to realise i was worth more than her put downs.
Now i am reasonably lc with her and she behaves better as I won't allow her bullshit to stand.
She has done a number of outrageous things over the years, but even she has never dumped my sentimental memories in the bin!
Good for you having a good chat with dh, making it clear how unforgivable her actions are.

Could you ring the council dump just on the off chance you might be able to get your stuff back? It's worth a try.

My childhood was pretty tough, we had two alcoholic warring parents living in the middle of nowhere BUT I've had a ton of professional help over the years and thought i was in a place where it didn't define me. I hadn't quite realised the impact on my boundaries. Before this shit i genuinely didn't care too much about my in-laws, yeah they were painful to be around and clearly weren't my biggest fans but i didn't realise how bloody vindictive they were - I now think MIL esp has been trying to get a rise out of me for years, I'm now re-assessing many, many previous minor incidents which we laughed away - even if they were amazing with the boys.

Pale, you may want to have some counselling for yourself to realise just how skewed your boundaries have become due to your upbringing. Giving away your dog as a punishment is so far outside the norm as to be truly shocking, and yet you mention it almost in passing.

Sorry x post.

"Clearly has zero comprehension of how she's made me feel."
Nah, she knows. She just doesn't give a shiny shit. What she's trying to do, as you've sort of noticed but seem to be trying to laugh off, is that she IS trying to erase you. She wants no part of YOU in her life. She sees you as the incubator for her grandchildren, not their mother, not a person who is worthy of love and respect.

She, in other words, is a devious, manipulative hateful bitch who wants her son back.

Totally agree with this. You're still being too generous about her, OP.

I'm with @ThumbWitchesAbroad

They may be brilliant with the boys, but they are nasty to the boys' mother, and clearly they don't like that. You've raised good boys there, who will become good men - who will be nice to their mother and good to their wives, who their mother will welcome into their family.

Thus, breaking some bloody nasty toxic cycles.

I would get revenge by doing to the Daily Mail and offering a sad face story so that everyone knows what an utter bitch she is.

Why not take the opportunity of this visit to go to hers and reciprocate? Move her things about , chuck out things, then tell her how upset you are!
MIL ....bane of your life!