How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

I'd never trust her again

@dragonslair - your post made me cry, it really did.
What a fucking HORRIBLE thing to do!

Some people don't have attachments to stuff - and that's fine FOR THEM - but that doesn't give them ANY fucking rights at all to throw other people's stuff out, EVER.

He must have done that on purpose, like the OP's MIL did.

Fucking vicious. :(

I'm so sorry OP.

I would be incandescent.

I suspect this thread evokes mixed feelings - on the one hand, making you feel even more angry about what your MIL did. But hopefully also validated.

This isn't just stuff. These are priceless, irreplaceable things (OK, perhaps not the books, but everything else).

It's the belongings that have sentimental value that carry the most worth for people.

This would irreparably damage my relationship with the person who did it. There is just too much to question around her motivation for doing it, her feelings for you. Her need to be so desperately, pathetically petty. Just why?

And it's the answers to those questions that would leave me unable to maintain any sort of relationship.

Of course, DH and your DC can continue to have a relationship with her, but you don't have to.

And I say this as someone who has never even come close to going NC with anyone, ever.

I actually felt sick reading that. I’m so angry in your behalf. If someone did that to me I’d tell them to fuck off and they would never darken my door again. I can’t believe it! It’s unforgivable and very telling they only threw out your precious things

My dh is often threatening to 'declutter' but it always seems to be a suggestion for me to throw my stuff away. Ive told him he can chuck anything that's his away, but if its mine or dcs, not to effing touch it. Ive had to be very very stern as he doesn't think things hold sentimental value. It does my head in but he's respected it.

Im so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't need to be said at all, i have no idea what she was thinking. No contact until you feel completely past it. She can feel as upset as she likes, it's her fault, her problem and nothing to do with you. Do not cave. She's massively fucked up and needs to show true remorse and try and make amends.

I would want to know what they were saying to your DH if I was you. I’d need to know to really see the whole situation.

If anything, I think you are under reacting. You don’t just need a few weeks. You need however long you need to decide if you can ever let MIL be a part of your life again. You need to come to a point of peace where you can clearly articulate and be comfortable with whatever rules you decide to put in place of a relationship does go forward.

My dh has a weird manky elephant from his childhood. Never looks at it. Never touches it and still I don't throw it away, because it's not mine.

I keep coming back to this, OP... I can only surmise that she was being deliberately cruel. She erased your history. She must have known what those letters meant to you, who those people were to you. She spelled out in very small words that you don’t matter. I’m so sorry. Please don’t let her, FIL, or most importantly, your DH minimize this....

*You think you'll be ready to pretend everything is fine in two weeks and apparently that is too long. Blimey. Clearly your boundaries have been ground to dust somewhere along the line. Minimum one year.

This was done to hurt you. You specifically. You know it. It is obvious. MIL can channel her inner Shaggy It wasn't me and all the stupid "explanations" she likes. You can still tell her to fuck off for the forseeable future.

She's trying to force your DH to stomp on you too. Fuck that. Increase your fury at DH. Stop engaging with any of their ridiculous excuses. Respond like you would with a teen being ridiculous "I am not discussing this any further. I am sick of this nonsense. I've told you I won't forgive her any time soon. Keep her away from me."

Stay right away from the drama. Make sure she is well punished for doing this. Right now everyone is most scared of her because, I bet, she is always the one who will escalate hardest. Time to change that. Take the mantle of stroppiest woman in the family, she who must not be crossed, it is yours, put it on and be free.

I am the most difficult in my insane family. My boundaries are solid. I eyeroll at their shenanigans. I am unswayed by the ridiculous attempts at manipulation. Flying monkeys are swatted away with ease. Willingness to look like the bad guy is liberating. Hugely liberating. Total refusal to engage in the nonsense is also liberating: they spout so much bollocks, you don't have to listen, respond, form a cogent argument, you can just ignore. Rudely. Be rude. It's the only way to survive such power games.

DH will find it hard to side with you against his mother. Make it easy for him by being completely clear, furious and totally unwavering.*

This. For always

@paleandstale for some reason your boundaries are weirdly squewed

Why?

@dragonslair

Are you DC of an age where she can make comments to them about you?
You mentioned DH and DC seeing them, if they are this would make me uncomfortable with them going as I feel they would try to make it look like you are overreacting.
This is a terrible thing they have done. I hate them for you x

I feel sick.
If anyone even went through my stuff, I'd be furious. That she actually threw out letters from your grandparents is, on its own, unforgivable. That she can't see that, beggars belief.

op. That's unforgivable and something I would never ever get over. She has ruined the relationship.

I think you need to consider Fil . Did he aid and abet Mil, or is he just trying to sort out the resulting mess.

Maybe if it was all mil and he could see how absolutely outrageously wrong she was then I would maintain a relationship with him. But not her . Not ever ( and I am usually a softy in this sort of situation)

I wonder what she expected your reaction to be?

Block your MiL & FiL on your phones.
Ignore their pathetic pleas - as others have said, stick to your guns, they're in the wrong, any consequences are their fault. If you come across as the bitch from hell, fuck 'em.
Change the locks.
If your DH wants to see them, he does so at their house.
If he doesn't see this as a complete violation of you by his mother then there is something deeply wrong with his relationship with you and his mother.

You have a family - your house with DH and DC. Whilst you gave her permission to that space to cat sit, she has invaded it and acted appallingly.

Sounds like she drew a line in the sand for your husband to choose sides. You or her. You make sure he chooses you.

I agree you are underreacting. They would be out of my home and my life forever.

I would expect back up from my DH too. A period of NC so the enormity of what she has done could sink in. He has no right to expect you to move on.

I still think a stiffly worded letter, explicitly setting out your feelings, would be very cathartic. And I disagree with TheNestedIf, I think FUCK YOU!!! in a massive bold font is very much worth the ink!

I'd guess MIL's thinking went along the lines of

'I'll just have a tidy up...ooh, there's a box of old junk here in the spare room, well, pale lives in such a state of chaos and untidiness that she probably doesn't even realise it's here, it's just been moved from pillar to post and nobody's interested in it, I'll just throw it out and make some room in this lovely cupboard'.

Did she even know it was just your stuff? Because I think this is one of those 'parents know best' things (my mum used to do similar, all my stuff was 'junk' simply because it wasn't hers). She thought it was rubbish, so it was, just because she thought it. She is now deeply embarrassed and so attacking you (because she's never learned conflict resolution).

You are so right to be livid. And yes, the pain of what she did will fade and you will resume some kind of civil relationship, but this will always be there, underneath, your resentment and her embarrassed anger. And you tell your DH to man the fuck up and stop being mealy mouthed, your PILs behaviour was beyond horrible.

I suspect she went through everything first and knew exactly what she was doing, the beastly old harpy.

You could just forgive her if you wanted to. If its important to your DH. Just say ok I forgive you. But then go NC. Because that is what this situation really demands.

Zaphod id believe that if it wasn’t for the fact OP’s DH’s & DC’s stuff was also in that room, did not thrown out just rearranged.

Are you serious @DishingOutDone ???

Something I do when I get a 'sorry, not sorry' from people, is to get them to explain to me exactly what they are sorry for, and why. If they can't do that, the apology is not genuine, I'm not accepting it, come back to me when you can fulfill this simple and reasonable requirement.

I'd print out this thread and send it to the nasty cunt. Along with a message to never contact you again. I'd make your spineless H read it too. And although I said upthread H & DC should only see her outside of your home, thinking about it, and what a nasty spiteful old cunt she must be, she wouldn't ever be seeing my children again if this were me. I am so, so angry on your behalf op.

Morning all. Worked my way through all the replies and feedback I had yesterday, all so helpful. Thank you very very much. It was hard to re-question my boundaries, @mbosnz your theory about people with fucked up boundaries being drawn to each other rang true in a very uncomfortable way. Essentially my parents had form for this, if I was playing up my things would get taken from me without my knowledge - giving away my dog because i'd been naughty on the school bus was a particular lowlight.

At the heart of it I think MIL sees me a bit of an inconvenience standing in the way of 'her' family (my DH and our DC). The family photos at her house for example have me slightly cropped out by the mount, they have a wedding photo proudly displayed. I'm not in it. i've always found this amusing rather than insulting, we don't live that close, see them a few times a year, they don't impact me too much. One particular incident springs to mind: DS2 was about 18m old, professionally I work in quite a niche research role. One day i got a very excited phone call from MIL, she'd found a job that would be perfect for me, she was in raptures about this job, hard sold it to me for a good ten minutes. I thought it was a bit weird, she doesn't take much of an interest in my professional life, told her to email it to me. I got the email, the job was great, the job was also in Spain. IN SPAIN. We live in the Midlands. A couple of days later she calls DH to see if i'd applied, he tells her no, because it's in Spain and I'm quite happy in my job but thanks for thinking of us. It then transpired that she thought that I would take this job, go and live in Spain and DH and DC would go an move in with them. Fucking batshit. DH and I laughed long and hard.

With this history, my theory is that she sees anything to do with me personally as irrelevant so my belongings were not important and so binning them was not a big deal.

@TowelNumber42 - great advice thank you, I second the call for you to write a self-help book, it really helped me.

last night DH and I talked, he hadn't appreciated how upset I was and what a violation it was. He was great, very supportive, we talked about next steps. We got his parents on speakerphone (i was silent, they didn't know I could hear), there was lots of bullshit faux hurt and anger from them, lots of minimising, justifying etc. Dh took non of it. It was like talking to a brick wall though.

The plan is that DH is going to go and pick up our key at the weekend, the DC don't want to go so I'm not making them and i won't be seeing them for a long time. On the call we said that an olive branch would be them replacing the books but they needed to be the same cover art editions as the one lost. We will see if they bother.

Within half an hour of getting off the phone we had DH's brother on the phone who had been told a very different version of events, he knows what they are like, my SIL won't have anything to do with them. He's very supportive and is going to talk to inlaws too.

So far from ideal but I feel better than I did this time yesterday. My sister is going to go through her stuff so I can have a copy of my grandparents writing styles and I'm going to take a few hours to write down everything lost and what it means to me so i have a record of the things, if not the actual things IYSWIM.

Again, thanks for all the responses, it really, really helped me