How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

You know what, if be going to the police and reporting it as theft. Thieving bitch. She would never set for in my house ever again.

She's upset? So she fucking should be!

You know what, if be going to the police and reporting it as theft

I hadn't thought of that, but YES! God, yes.

I'd never have contact with them again. Dh can, and he can take kids out but no one can force a relationship on you. He also needs to stick up for you. They would never be allowed in my house again for any reason. Sorry op, how devastating that would have been.

The police are very unlikely to be interested sadly

Earlier I just couldn't imagine where her head was at as she took it all out to the bins, but now l can actually I picture a Mrs Bucket type marching out defiantly with a smug, self satisfied smirk plastered all over her coupon. Horrible human being. Im so sorry op. Please get angry and don't let it lie with your dh. Work out exactly what you need to happen to heal from this malicious violation and then draw that line in the fucking sand once and for all.

I wouldn’t ever talk to them again. Fil was complicit and would no doubt have helped. How fucking dare they?! I’d phone them and RAGE at them, but it would end with me telling them to fuck off and banning them from the house. They would not be seeing their grandchildren again.

Your dh sounds like he just wants to smooth this all over. Is he completely stupid? Or totally in the FOG? He surely can’t believe that you will just ‘get over’ this? It’s an unforgivable action. No way would I allow them to guilt trip me. The fact that they are trying to make you feel bad about being angry is beyond the pale (sorry!)

I hope you tighten up your boundaries, OP, what they have done is atrocious. Beyond awful. Saying you may forgive them in a few weeks is not a response I would expect.

My ex father in law took a bag of my stuff, think precious travelling memoirs, photos etc to the tip when I moved in with them (before i married bf at time, he still lived at home with his parents at the time)
I still think about it and am still hurt and furious, like, why would I have taken rubbish round there. I'm so sorry this has happened to you too xx

Unforgivable! I would be doing prison time. You are a better person than me!

Op, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. There is some good advice upthread. Until you are able to have the Malory Towers books replaced, there is a Canadian free ebook site called Faded Page. If you go on there you can download the first four Malory Towers books, with original illustrations, for free. I expect they will have the last two up in due course. All the best and be true to yourself. 💐

How dare they. I would not get over this. I am so sorry this happened to you OP. Don't let them minimise this is an incredible violation. It would be well within your rights not to let them in your space again.

OP can you write down in a letter to your MIL how you feel?

Your DH is in a difficult position but now is not the time for him to be trying to mediate. You need to tell her directly how you feel about what she has done and what sort of relationship you see for the future. If that's none at all, so be it.

I would find this impossible to forgive.

It isn't only stuff. "Stuff" is things like milk that's gone off in the fridge or tights with ladders in.

What she threw away, in her entitled tidyfest rampage, was your memories. You can replace your Malory Towers and Sweet Valley High books, via abebooks, or amazon, or alibris, although they won't be quite the same, but you can't replace letters from your grandparents and the other stuff that was personal to you. This is truly appalling behaviour on her part. Even in my relationship with my most evil and loathed partner I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to him.

She sounds as if she has something of a superiority complex, based on this behaviour (and I'm sure you could find plenty of others), and as if she regards everyone else as far, far below her in importance. That's before even looking at the OCD and need to control/manipulate others.

I think I'd be pretty tempted to put locks on all the doors (including cupboards) for the next time she's in your house, if there is a next time.

And while most of the time I wouldn't advocate being this petty, isn't there something of hers that you could "accidentally" break or damage (you know, I'm awfully clumsy. Sometimes I've spilled wine, or oil, or sauce on things when people have seriously upset me. Once I put someone's pure silk shirt on a hot wash as I didn't realise it was pure silk - although that one was a genuine accident. They didn't speak to me for a long time afterwards though. I was a lot younger then and was quite upset for some time. The day I walked out of the door and left them was one of the best of my life. The fact that they should have been doing their own bl**dy washing was possibly a factor).

You could subsequently stick aforesaid damaged item in a bin bag next time you're under her roof? Or something else that would hit her where it hurts? (Assuming she has any weak points, of course...) I'm only really suggesting being this petty as it sounds like she targeted you alone.

I don't hold with the mil bashing on mn but honestly op I don't think I could ever forgive that. I'd be beyond furious

Sorry there’s no way she accidentally chucked out your letters and your photos. None. That was a calculated nasty and vicious attack against you. And if it wasn’t that and was just careless it shows that she doesn’t see you as remotely important because if it wasn’t deliberate then it meant she chucked your stuff without even looking t it because you don’t matter.

I’d never let her in the house again.

It’s slightly concerning that you are already saying you’ll get over it. Be careful you don’t also have FOG with the in laws. It happens.

OP can you write down in a letter to your MIL how you feel?

I'm not sure "FUCK YOU!!!" is worth the ink or the post-it on that specimen, to be honest.

I'm astonished that your MIL hasn't tried to apologise. I'd be mortified if I'd thrown out someone's grandparents' irreplaceable letters accidentally, let alone deliberately.

@paleandstale
Do please read the whole thread. You’ve had two very lovely offers from posters re MT and SVH books!

Re your OP, your MIL is clearly very malicious and you would be well justified in never seeing her again. She’s got hurt feelings? Fuck that. Clearly FIL, and indeed your DP, have spent their lives pandering to her.
Stop this nonsense now.
Your DP needs to realise you come first and quite frankly your MIL had no business going anywhere near your stuff in the first place. Twat.

Why do people do this shit?

The OP's story, @dragonslair's story, so many posters' stories, are bloody heartbreaking.

The offers of books are lovely, though.

My mother did this to me for my entire childhood and actually escalated this kind of behaviour in my adolescence. She frequently forced me to go and get something that was new and special to me and either generously gave it to someone else or forced me to give it to someone myself, with the promise that it would be replaced and not once did that ever happen. My brother had free rein to take anything he liked from my things as well. It helped forge my identity as a non-person. This attitude was made clear in her will when she died two years ago and despite much therapy, I still carry that lack of value as a 47 year old adult and I am furious about it. (Working on it, I promise!!!) Please deal with this now before you go through menopause and explode!!!!

Her reply was:

Set fire to their fucking bungalow

OP, your MIL doesn't live in the north west of the country does she...? I'd be tempted to twitch my nose and get the heavens to open enough to flood her house catastrophically nothing to do with the plumbing or roofing work they're having done, no siree

Sorry haven’t read all 12 pages.

I’d send her the analogy of the Broken Plate. You know, this one?

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor.
Okay, done.
Say sorry to it.
Sorry.
Did it go back to how it was before?
No.
Do you understand?

I’m also convinced that it’s so important to try and do very active things to repair a wrong. Words aren’t near enough, ever.

Your PILs haven’t come even close to real understanding or remorse. I’d stay open to their communications (direct, not through DH), but absolutely not see them in person. If you see real remorse or offers of restitution, you can reevaluate your stance. If you don’t, carry on until you do or until it becomes a new normal.

I have an estrangement of 8 years running with a family member. It’s fine, and not a daily drama at all now. It isn’t about what they initially did to me (which was horrid) but it’s because they just don’t understand the impact of what they did (or won’t admit it). I can’t see a way clear to have people like that in my life. Effectively they’re saying they did nothing wrong, and would act that way again, right? Mistakes are human, but stubborn adherence to denial and selfishness and falseness are a different thing. Far bigger worry for me.

How terribly sad OP, she is really awful.

I couldn’t allow my DC to ever be around those people.

Tell her you will consider forgiving her providing you are left alone in her home for the weekend to do what you wish with her stuff.

I would never forgive it either.

My dm threw away all of my treasured shoe collection when I was 21 and by the time I realised they had gone with the bin men.

It was an accident as I had been getting ready to move out and had put them in the garage in a huge black bin bag but I've always felt slight anger when thinking of it.

What annoyed me was she didn't seem that bothered by my reaction.

Op I would see this as a massive abuse of trust and would probably never forgive this.
Hope you're ok