How do I communicate my need to be left the fuck alone?

[paleandstale]

Apologies, it's another MIL one. She's usually lovely but she's really shat the bed this time and I want some time.

PIL cat sat for us whilst we were away on hols, really kind of them. However, whilst they were here, MIL took it upon herself to have a clear out of our spare room. She has thrown away three boxes of sentimental stuff from my childhood, old diaries, some letters from my grandparents, photos, presents I was given, books: my Malory towers and sweet Valley high collection, all sentimental stuff that means a lot to me. These was the only things that were thrown away, nothing belonging to DH or the DC were thrown away, just re-arranged. DS 1 bedroom was reorganised for example. I didn't realise until about two days later (about the thrown away, I twigged the re-organisation pretty quickly). Bin men have been, it's all gone.

I am really, really upset by this. PILs initial reaction was patronising, suggesting that we live in junk filled chaos and they couldn't see us living like this, this then quickly turned angry and is now at the begrudging apology stage.

In the last few days PIL has been bombarding me with messages about how upset MIL is (because I won't accept her apology or talk to her right now). they were supposed to be coming over this weekend but i've suggested DH and the kids go to them, I don't want them in my space right now.

I will get over this, it's only 'stuff' i get that but I'm not at the forgive and forget stage yet. I'm getting multiple daily messages from FIL, MIL has been on the phone every day to DH alternating between anger at me, belittling my feelings or crying about how I am going to ruin their relationship.

I just want to be left alone by them for a while, DH is supportive but is also on the receiving end of his parents, wants an easy life and is encouraging me to move on. I will move on but I just want a couple of weeks without any bullshit from any of them. Any advice on what I can do / say to buy me a bit of time?

As an aside (and absolutely not the point of the thread) I have just been inspired to see if I can find SVH books on kindle.

Ignore the messaging and guilt tripping because, essentially, what they are saying about your feelings is "Yeah, yeah, whatevs..." If your MIL feels bad well, tough, that's her doing not yours and you don't have to make her feel better.

This was very much an invasion of YOU. Even if they had thrown out your DH's and DS's possessions as well YOU still get to decide what happens to YOUR stuff.

If you don't want to forgive and as said, I wouldn't, you don't have to.

That is absolutely awful.Who behaves like that?

I do think you should work out via the internet how much it would cost to replace the books,in decent editions and good condition ( if possible!) and send her the total,in a "so,MIL,much of what you threw away is irreplaceable,but this is how much it'll be to replace my books.Please talk to DH about how you'd like to do this..."
It might- possibly - make her think. And having to make the effort would do her good.I'm not a Malory Towers person but some of my old children's books are collectable now and worth actual money.

Tbh I wouldn't want stuff replaced. Because they were special because they were mine. And it'll make her think she's put things right.

My DH’s grandmother deliberately threw away his childhood toys and teddies that were in storage when he was a young adult. He has never got over it and they are virtually NC as a result 20 years on. She is a poisonous woman who deliberately hurts her family.

Your MIL is cut from the same cloth. I would not forgive, change your locks and never speak to the old witch again. Your DH and children can do as they will but you don’t have to be part of it.

That's unforgivable! I'm so sorry that happened to you. If I was you I would definitely go no contact for a long time! If you let them get away with this they could do it again or worse...

I too don't often share threads with friends etc but just told this one to my friend and asked what she would have done in your position.

Her reply was:

Set fire to their fucking bungalow

😂😂😂

Fuck her and fuck the horse she rode in on. You and DH would be entirely justified to go NC for at least 6 months. He should have your back on this. I personally would never forgive her and she would never cross my threshold again, let alone have access to my DC. She needs the be shown serious consequences for her actions. Anything less lets her off the hook for what can only be described as a vindictive, malicious act of aggression. That old bitch would be dead to me.

Fuck her and fuck the horse she rode in

😂

Well of course she's the one who's ruined the relationship, what there was of it. She's broken trust and hit you where it hurts. Thrown your precious childhood things away. She knew what she was doing. Absolutely no question.

After this I'd go NC. Not for just 2 weeks while you 'come to terms' with her venomous actions, but forever. She doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you.

And that FIL is obviously protecting her and trying to get you to toe the line puts him firmly in her camp, and he doesn't deserve a relationship with you either.

What twits they are, to ruin all the years of enjoyment of family. All those family occasions that they've now ruined. What idiots.

But there's no coming back from this. It was momentous. Horrible woman.

Yet another that would find this unforgivable. It is disrespectful enough that she committed such an awful act but to demand your attention and acceptance immediately is rubbing salt into the wound.

No normal person would have thrown someone's else's belongings away in the first place, the very least she should be doing is hiding under a rock in shame at her actions giving you as much time as you need. You absolutely shouldn't have to be asking to be left alone. She is digging herself a massive hole and making a bad situation, ten times worse. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive any of this to be honest OP. She has shat all over you.

Hope you're ok OP. There's unanimous outrage here but obviously this is your life and from your last update it seems this is raising some uncomfortable home truths about your and DH's relationships with your PILs. It's a bit jarring when you start to see what you thought was 'normal' through someone else's lens. Wishing you well

I really couldn't get over this and I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I really would struggle to just be civil to her in future. I do think the whole family is playing this down. How dare she. You must just block them and let your husband speak to them. I would't let her get you new stuff, it will just mean she thinks she's made amends. You cannot replace precious letters and photographs anyway. I certainly would not have her in the house again. If your husband does not see how terribly she has behaved and is still behaving it does not bode well for your marriage. I couldn't be with anybody like that.

I feel your anger and hurt on this OP. I couldn't forgive this.

Pale, you are underreacting. I would be furious. This was utter contempt, pure and simple. MIL found a way to devalue and wound you on a deeply personal level. This violation calls for severe consequences. I would cut contact for a substantial length of time. I would also curtail access to the children. If MIL is capable such malice toward you, their mother, then she does not truly have their best interests at heart.

H must back you up 100%. It is outrageous that he is encouraging you to move forward “for an easier life.” It sounds like he is prioritizing MIL and himself. You are the injured party here. He needs to show the utmost respect for your boundaries and recovery requirements. He needs to block MIL’s manipulations and demand that she back off.

Unforgivable. Have nothing to do with them as this is a deliberate malicious act. I wouldn’t let your children see them either. Total NC for as long as you wish.

of such malice

I agree that it might not be helpful to ask for replacements, or to make too much of a point of the monetary value of the books; it will just give her an opportunity to spin your distress as being all about the money side of things. And really, it’s so much more.

She's vile. I'm a ruthless declutterer and DH is scared to go away overnight because of what I might get rid of (he is BU obviously) but this... No.

This made me feel hot in my chest just reading it. What an awful thing to do. I also think you’re under reacting.

If she gets angry and asks why you won’t accept the apology, I’d ask can she replace your letters and photographs? No? Then that’s why.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I remember you writing about this before. It’s completely awful.

@TowelNumber42, the advice you gave on page 4 is jaw-droppingly perfect. Do that, OP, all of it. And write your own timeline (decades?) for letting the ghastly, piss-taking, woman occupy any space in your head, heart or 'hood ever again.

Given that it is all paper goods is it worth contacting the recycling centre?

I’m not sure I could ever have contact again.

What an absolutely awful thing to happen. No normalmpersonnwouldntocuh another’s belongings let alone throw them out, let alone rearrange rooms.

I would never speak to her again.