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Original poster

Is sleeping with 25 people by age 21 a lot?

283 replies

FiveFarthings · 29/08/2019 01:02

Whilst sat up with baby I stumbled across this gem on Channel 4 called ‘The Sex Clinic’. They asked the guests how many people they have slept with. Answers ranged from 5 people to the hundreds. One girl who was 21 years old said she’d slept with over 25 people.

I am just wondering if this is a lot by age 21? I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 and I’m now 33. I’ve slept with 3 people in my entire life (3 long term relationships and now married). Some of the guests who were saying they’d slept with 100s of people were a bit older so had more time to get those notches, but I still think that’s a big number for even someone in their late 20s. For example, if you lost your virginity at 16, that would make it 6 partners a year until you’re 30. Is that a lot?

I am in no way shaming anyone at all for the amount of sexual partners they have- people can swing from the chandelier with a different partner every night of the year as far as I care, but I was just wondering if I’m in the minority for having had so few sexual partners? Am I old fashioned at only 33? Is sex more casual for the younger generation, is it easier now to hook up than before wide spread internet/mobile phone usage?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 08:49

I tend to wonder on these threads how people develop such repressive views. I don’t class people as repressed because of the number of people they slept with. I do, however, think people who judge a person’s character and worth on number of sexual partners display a lack of ability to think sensibly.

“Too many partners” equals bad is such a reductive mindset.

StarlightLady · 31/08/2019 09:00

@CherryPavlova - A person addressing her own sexual needs is no more selfish than a person choosing a meal they like for dinner.

CherryPavlova · 31/08/2019 09:05

StarlightLady there is a difference between needs and wishes. It is not selfish to eat a plate of macaroni cheese but then macaroni cheese doesn’t create so many problems for others to sort out, does it?

CherryPavlova · 31/08/2019 09:07

Driving a car is always going to be higher risk than not driving a car.

Unless you’re a cyclist, of course.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 09:10

It is not selfish to eat a plate of macaroni cheese but then macaroni cheese doesn’t create so many problems for others to sort out, does it?

Why are you ascribing all these alleged “problems” to women who enjoy casual, consensual sex?

You surely can’t be so blinkered you’re suggesting casual sex always equals problems.

vdbfamily · 31/08/2019 09:38

I think one of the issues for me is this. I personally consider the act of making love as more than a recreational activity. For me it has a spiritual dimension, and I only wanted to have this bond with someone who was prepared to make a lifetime commitment to me. As sex for some. has been reduced to just a fun activity with no emotion attached, it, in my opinion, leads to a greater liklihood of unfaithfulness in marriage. If you genuinely believe that it is just a fun activity with no emotions involved and no risk of STD's etc, then genuinely why would you be upset if your partner decided he fancied a quick shag with someone else? It did not mean anything. Just for fun. Took precautions etc. For those of you who think ONS's are ok, why do they become a deal breaker within a committed relationship?

sofato5miles · 31/08/2019 09:47

Because in a serious relationship commitment is involved, it goes beyond physical pleasure Hmm

When, single, as I am now. I only want the physical pleasure, as a) my ex was average in bed and b) my life is too busy to commit to someone.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 09:47

For those of you who think ONS's are ok, why do they become a deal breaker within a committed relationship?

I enjoyed casual sex and ONS when I didn’t want a relationship. I met my then husband and we wanted to commit to each other. A link of enjoyment of casual sex with infidelity is often thrown about on these threads with no foundation.

I have enjoyed casual sex. I have never been unfaithful or been the “other woman”.

I personally consider the act of making love as more than a recreational activity. For me it has a spiritual dimension, and I only wanted to have this bond with someone who was prepared to make a lifetime commitment to me

Which is fine. And your right. It doesn’t make people who feel differently wrong.

I don’t class sex as “making love”. For me it’s a physical act and not an expression of love.

Honflyr · 31/08/2019 10:02

For those of you who think ONS's are ok, why do they become a deal breaker within a committed relationship?

Because I don't want to be cheated on? What a weird thing to say. Imo sex in a commited relationship means only having sex with each other, when you are single that isn't the case is it

Honflyr · 31/08/2019 10:04

Driving a car is always going to be higher risk than not driving a car.

Unless you’re a cyclist, of course.

Cycling is always going to be higher risk than not cycling.

vdbfamily · 31/08/2019 10:04

which is my question Jacques...if just a physical act, why is it wrong when you are married/commited? What harm does it do?

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 10:05

which is my question Jacques...if just a physical act, why is it wrong when you are married/commited? What harm does it do?

I literally answered that, but as you’re struggling “because we wanted to commit to each other”. A committed relationship is so much more than sex for me. Maybe not for you?

Honflyr · 31/08/2019 10:05

was an uncaring loveless fuck could be depressing

And yet sometimes an uncaring loveless fuck is what I want.

WestBerlin · 31/08/2019 10:08

Sex can be both a recreational activity and something meaningful. It denotes a very black and white thinking to say it has to be one or the other at all times, with all people.

NoTheresa · 31/08/2019 10:10

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

my girlfriend had about 30 by the age of 22 I think (she estimates.) Giving how stunning I think she is, and how much partying she did in her late teens and early twenties, I think she must have been quite picky!

I’m not sure the definition of the word “picky” - if such a thing exists - would back up your theory.

vdbfamily · 31/08/2019 10:11

I am finding this hard to articulate but what I am trying to ask is, if sex is just a physical act/recreational activity/way of getting pleasure and nothing more than that, why do people in committed relationships object when their partners have an occasional meaningless shag with someone else.
I am not trying to annoy people by asking and obviously, as I have stated, I think sex is meant to be so much more meaningful so unfaithfulness would genuinely be a deal breaker for me, but if I just saw it as a recreational activity, I can see why people would argue to their partners that 'it meant nothing' 'was just a drunken fumble' 'I don't love them, I love you' etc etc. Surely this is justified if just a recreational activity?

WestBerlin · 31/08/2019 10:13

I don’t know what difficult to understand?

It isn’t necessarily an either/or activity. It can be both, with the same person or with different people depending on context.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 10:13

I am finding this hard to articulate but what I am trying to ask is, if sex is just a physical act/recreational activity/way of getting pleasure and nothing more than that, why do people in committed relationships object when their partners have an occasional meaningless shag with someone else

You’re really not seeing how sex as a single person and sex in a relationship is different?

When I’m single all I want is casual sex. When I was married I wanted to have sex with my then husband. It’s not any more complex than that. When I commit to someone in a relationship, it is committing everything.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 10:17

I actually - certainly for young people - think the equation of sex with love can be dangerous.

“Only have sex with someone you love” certainly runs the risk of pressure to have sex/do things you’re not comfortable with under the guise of “if you loved me, you would do x”.

NoTheresa · 31/08/2019 10:25

I think that is a bit of a stretch, frankly. Confused

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 10:26

I think that is a bit of a stretch, frankly

Plus ca change Grin

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 10:26

vdbfamily that’s completely irrelevant to the issue at hand. Casual sex for pleasure outside of a relationship is entirely different to casual sex when in a relationship in which you have presumably agreed to stay faithful to your partner.

MaximusHeadroom · 31/08/2019 10:29

@vdbfamily
Because sex, like food or anything else can be more than one thing.

Even in my relationship with DH we sometime have a quickie where we both just want physical gratification , or very slow, loving sex where we are using it to be close to each other.

When you start a relationship with someone, you create boundaries which work for you. Conventionally that includes no sexual activity with other people but I am sure there are people who remain very committed to each other but agree that they can have sex with other people.

In the hierarchy or risky behaviours, has someone measured where promiscuity sits (and I mean consensual, adult sex using condoms) in relation to smoking, drinking, driving or a million other risk behaviours we indulge in? Is the place you do it or the age of the men you do it with a factor?

To take one line in one report which itself accepts that it can't identify a causal link to show that promiscuity is dangerous is disingenuous.

When we drive, we wear seatbelts, have airbags, follow rules on the road to keep everyone safe. We don't stay home. Sex should be exactly the same.

And if sex is for you, purely something which should be enjoyed in a committed relationship then that is absolutely fine too.

MaximusHeadroom · 31/08/2019 10:32

Only have sex with someone you love” certainly runs the risk of pressure to have sex/do things you’re not comfortable with under the guise of “if you loved me, you would do x”.

I totally agree. Again, the issue is women's lack of agency and control in every sexual environment.

This is what we should be focussing on. Not trying to tell women how many people they should be allowed to have sex with and in what context.

whatshallIdo1 · 31/08/2019 10:33

I don’t understand how people manage to “get” so many people, or any really. I had my first sexual partner at 27 and married him. He was my first boyfriend in fact. We were together for about 22 years and our relationship ended in a horrible divorce. I am now single and fully expect not to meet anyone else, as I don’t have youth on my side and nor do the men who are my age!

But even when I was younger, I had no idea how to go about meeting people and was shy I suppose. And I am not / was not unattractive.

So regardless of the numbers issue I just think I am a bit of an alien Confused. I am not asexual and in fact loved sex, but now it seems to be forever outside the confines of my life. Nothing to do with me somehow.

So I just generally don’t understand how people manage to seduce people. This is categorically not a judgement - why have I turned out to be a bit of a nun Confused?

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