Is sleeping with 25 people by age 21 a lot?

[FiveFarthings]

Whilst sat up with baby I stumbled across this gem on Channel 4 called ‘The Sex Clinic’. They asked the guests how many people they have slept with. Answers ranged from 5 people to the hundreds. One girl who was 21 years old said she’d slept with over 25 people.

I am just wondering if this is a lot by age 21? I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 and I’m now 33. I’ve slept with 3 people in my entire life (3 long term relationships and now married). Some of the guests who were saying they’d slept with 100s of people were a bit older so had more time to get those notches, but I still think that’s a big number for even someone in their late 20s. For example, if you lost your virginity at 16, that would make it 6 partners a year until you’re 30. Is that a lot?

I am in no way shaming anyone at all for the amount of sexual partners they have- people can swing from the chandelier with a different partner every night of the year as far as I care, but I was just wondering if I’m in the minority for having had so few sexual partners? Am I old fashioned at only 33? Is sex more casual for the younger generation, is it easier now to hook up than before wide spread internet/mobile phone usage?

No confusion at all. Promiscuous behaviour is strongly correlated to other high risk behaviours. The behaviours tend to start in teenage years but complications and effects may not be apparent until much later when the behaviours may have changed. I imagine (but can’t prove) that few people get to 37 and then suddenly decide to start having frequent one night stands - unless they develop a psychiatric disorder.
I’m amazed anyone would want to defend promiscuity as normal/healthy and try to put out a message that more restrained, more considered sexual behaviour was a problem.

I’m amazed anyone would want to defend promiscuity as normal/healthy and try to put out a message that more restrained, more considered sexual behaviour was a problem

I’m amazed people still correlate “promiscuity” with morality.

I was married for 15 years. When that split up in my early 30s I wanted casual sex. I’ve no desire for a relationship at all. I can’t imagine that’s unusual. I really can’t imagine adults actually thinking “we’ll tough luck, no sex for you unless you’re in a relationship”. That’s misogynistic nonsense.

Rather than telling people “you’re fucking too many people” we should be giving women enough credit that they’re capable of making decisions and teaching our teens (of both sexes) to be safe, consensual and respectful.

There’s nothing wrong with being promiscuous, you also don’t have to have penetrative sex with lots of people to be promiscuous. I’m fairly promiscuous, I have only had sex with two people (the first at 27 (I’m 31))but I’ve sucked hundreds and I’ve enjoyed every single one.

I’m also a very high earning high achiever.

I have a son (adopted), his parents were married at 20 and 23, deeply religious so only had sex with each other once married. But it didn’t stop them starving their children and abusing them. They’re still married and continue to have more children to abuse.

The amount of people you have sex with has no bearing on being a good or crap parent.

Ah, this thread has sent me into a bit of a reverie.

Much like @GoingComando I had sex for not-great reasons (drunk, lonely, insecure)-but then I look at that list and think-what’s so bad about reaching for another human when you’re lonely? Isn’t that what we’re for? Isn’t sex (am a straight woman) sometimes quite literally about filling a gap? Some of my flings and encounters were so beautiful and full of tenderness (plus super hot) they still make me smile. And the less satisfying ones, I think, well I was looking for something I didn’t quite find but that doesn’t make it wrong. I love men, I love their variety and their bodies and I wish there was still room in my life for exploration. Have been faithfully with DH for 10+ years and he’s my absolute favourite but it’s hard sometimes! Am so glad i’ve got so many happy memories to daydream about.

I can’t beleive some of the attitudes on here. The right number of sexual partners for someone is the number that they have, with consent, happily had sex with. It is nobody elses business.

Certainly comments like promiscuous (meanlingless) and “lost” virginity (you don’t lose anything) form negative sexist language.

Love from a happily promiscuous woman who lost her virginity early on. Slut walk anyone?

I think if you are having frequent sex with strangers then there is something wrong in your life.

Nobody is saying “considered sexual behaviour” is a problem. If you want to only sleep with people you’re in a relationship with that’s completely fine! But it’s not superior to having casual sex either - SOME people who have casual sex might have addiction or mental health problems but these can happen to people in committed relationships too. Being in a relationship isn’t a cure for all of life’s ills. Are you seriously suggesting that people who haven’t met someone they want to be in a relationship with, or indeed don’t want a relationship at all, should just abstain from sex? To solve the “problems” others face trying to find partners? How about we address derogatory male attitudes to women embracing their sexuality instead? The idea of a ‘forever relationship’ isn’t the model everyone wants to follow. Your opinion is also incredibly heteronormative - what about gay and bisexual people who might be exploring their sexuality or women who only have sex with women? Are they “creating problems” as well?

Why @amandacarnet ?

@dodgeballchamp - I think l love you !

@dodgeballchamp There is a world of difference between a lifelong monogamous relationship and promiscuity.

Of course it’s other people’s business because promiscuity is related to and creates so many very expensive problems for society. It’s not about morality but a moral code and societal norms inhibit inherently high risk behaviours. Yes I would advocate teaching youngsters it was abnormal to have multiple casual partners and the reasons why. That’s because I’d want them to stay safe and well. Promiscuity is unhealthy whether people like that reality or not.
Luckily, it’s not the norm.

Why is it everyone’s business? Health and welfare support services need planning and paying for. Society needs to train sufficient clinicians in sexual health, oncology, psychiatry, paediatrics, obstetrics, GPs. We need to ensure adequate support for children of young mothers or those born into poverty or to mothers with significant mental health problems. We need to train staff and provide services for those who’ve suffered violence. We need adequate child protection services. We need termination and emergency contraceptive services.

It really is other people’s business.
I don't think at any point I’ve suggested responsibility is entirely on the females shoulders. Male promiscuity is as damaging to society and I’ve certainly not differentiated in the lessons between the sexes. Of course men should know how to access free condoms, emergency contraceptives and should be aware of high risk behaviours. Unfortunately, if your sexual contact has been standing up in an alleyway or in their car, they’re not going to be around long enough to impart that knowledge, are they?
Casual male gay sex is even higher risk isn’t it? HIV AIDs spread is much more prevalent amongst promiscuous gay men.

Health and welfare support services need planning and paying for. Society needs to train sufficient clinicians in sexual health, oncology, psychiatry, paediatrics, obstetrics, GPs. We need to ensure adequate support for children of young mothers or those born into poverty or to mothers with significant mental health problems. We need to train staff and provide services for those who’ve suffered violence. We need adequate child protection services. We need termination and emergency contraceptive services.
It really is other people’s business

Not really. For the people who need those things? You may have a case if you can link them directly to multiple sexual partners. Otherwise? No, not your business.

But given I’m one of the high achievers you so admire, I’m quite happy my high rate tax is going into the system to help pay for all those things

I managed around 60 ish by the age of 30. Only 6 in the following 13 years to date. I'm a high earner though so it's ok

JacquesHammer, There is a causal but convoluted route to demonstrate that increased promiscuity results in higher need for these services.
As an example, very young and single (at birth) mothers are more likely to live in poverty and their children are more likely to suffer significant disadvantages. Very young mothers tend to not be in a sustained relationship at birth. They are often troubled youngsters with multiple high risk behaviours.
Luckily the work being done has seen a reduction in teenage pregnancy but part of that is increased terminations.
Both need funding. Neither are particularly good things for young girls or children.
Promiscuity has an evidential link to mental health problems- both in being more likely to occur where there are underlying mental health problems and more likely t cause mental health problems over time.

Yes we need to be funding services to support the consequences but just as we encourage people to vaccinate against measles or wear a seat belt to reduce risk, so part of good sex education should be about the risks of promiscuity. Nobody wants their daughter dying of cervical cancer or their gay son contracting HIV, do they? They are real risks and not having sex with multiple partners in rapid succession goes part way to mitigate those risks. Not a cure all, nobody is suggesting everyone should die a virgin, but less hedonism and high risk sexual behaviour is healthier.

There is a causal but convoluted route

Exactly....

I think it is ridiculous that some posters are trying desperately to link all sorts to casual sex/multiple partners. FFS people live different lives and think different things, I really think you should get over it. I think it is weird to only have 1 or 2 partners personally but each to their own. It has no bearing on long term relationships, single parents etc IME, your evidence seems no more valid than others anecdotal evidence TBH.

I have no mental health problems, have been in a faithful relationship for 14 years, I am a senior professional and have never had an STD.

Casual sex is fine if consensual, I have never hurt anyone or been hurt by casual sex.

Unfortunately, if your sexual contact has been standing up in an alleyway or in their car, they’re not going to be around long enough to impart that knowledge, are they?

Ouch. That will sting some.

It sounds so degrading, somehow. But as we are tired of hearing on threads like this: each to their own.

That will sting some

Why do you think so?

Society needs to train sufficient clinicians in sexual health, oncology, psychiatry, paediatrics, obstetrics, GPs. We need to ensure adequate support for children of young mothers or those born into poverty or to mothers with significant mental health problems. We need to train staff and provide services for those who’ve suffered violence. We need adequate child protection services. We need termination and emergency contraceptive services

Yes absolutely. We need those things for everyone. For people in relationships and people who have had sex with one person also!

Also happy to pay a proportion of my high earnings to provide

I find it amusing to note all the apparently “high earners” queuing up to suggest they buck the normal trend but they are, of course, very normal and well balanced...

@CherryPavlova

HIV AIDs spread is much more prevalent amongst promiscuous gay men.

Nobody wants their daughter dying of cervical cancer or their gay son contracting HIV, do they?

The reason gay men are disproportionately affected by HIV is due to the mode of transmission - anal sex. This is a higher risk activity for contracting the virus than other ways (penis in vagina, sharing injecting equipment etc). that said, in 2017 of those newly diagnosed in the UK, 53% were gay or bi men, showing that HIV is by no means solely gay related. Worldwide there are more women living with HIV then men.

Stereotyping isn't helpful. For one it's incorrect and only promotes stigma. It also not follow that because someone has contracted HIV that they are promiscuous.

I find it amusing to note all the apparently “high earners” queuing up to suggest they buck the normal trend but they are, of course, very normal and well balanced

As amusing as all the “considered sexual relations” who are, of course, not posting at all to feel morally superior

It makes me feel genuinely really sad that people are so insecure they have to compare themselves to others to try and feel better.

Do what the fuck you want. Do who the fuck you want. As long as it’s what YOU want then that’s all that matters. It isn’t tied to your value as a person at all.

@NoTheresa

I am genuinely interested though as to why on a thread full of anecdotes you take some at face value and suggest you don’t believe others, or they’re not valuable.

It’s almost like you’ve got an agenda...

A rose by any other name, eh?

I think Everyones sex life is different .some have a lot and some have less that has nothing to
Do with being old fashioned or cool!you can't compare yourself to others everyone has had a different lifestyle .I'm 41 married(second time)and havnt had that much partners because I'm an emotional kind of person like to have emotional feelings towards my partner to be able to enjoy sex!saying that some just like sex and don't care about other things,some like to prove something or have sexual issues (the desire to have a lot or none at all).to me how many people one has sex with is totally personal and everyone is different in how they get that sexual pleasure whether it's lust,love or other reasons to satisfy them mentally and physically

Yes it's a lot. I'm in single figures - married at 31.