Is sleeping with 25 people by age 21 a lot?

[FiveFarthings]

Whilst sat up with baby I stumbled across this gem on Channel 4 called ‘The Sex Clinic’. They asked the guests how many people they have slept with. Answers ranged from 5 people to the hundreds. One girl who was 21 years old said she’d slept with over 25 people.

I am just wondering if this is a lot by age 21? I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 and I’m now 33. I’ve slept with 3 people in my entire life (3 long term relationships and now married). Some of the guests who were saying they’d slept with 100s of people were a bit older so had more time to get those notches, but I still think that’s a big number for even someone in their late 20s. For example, if you lost your virginity at 16, that would make it 6 partners a year until you’re 30. Is that a lot?

I am in no way shaming anyone at all for the amount of sexual partners they have- people can swing from the chandelier with a different partner every night of the year as far as I care, but I was just wondering if I’m in the minority for having had so few sexual partners? Am I old fashioned at only 33? Is sex more casual for the younger generation, is it easier now to hook up than before wide spread internet/mobile phone usage?

I was well into the 50s by the age of 21.

By 25, I'd given up keeping count.

NC for this as it not brave enough to undergo the lashing I may receive on my normal username

I personally think it's awful when I hear that a person has slept with so many people. I see it trotted out on here and other places about people 'just liking sex' and it being fine if you are safe - but in reality I don't know a single person who doesn't regret sleeping with large amounts of people in their past.

They all talk about peer-pressure, anxiety, depression, cries for help, being in a bad place and seeking comfort, etc. It's never looked back on with fondness. The only place I've seen that is on here to be honest. When people talk about it on an anonymous forum I always think it sounds as if they are trying to justify themselves to themselves through bravado etc.

I know it's not a popular opinion, but it's mine and it won't change.

lalalalalalalaland you know that claiming that your opinion is empirically informed AND that it won't change kind of makes you sound irrational, right? I slept with a lot of people before spending 18 years with my Ex, and now that he is an Ex I quite fancy sex with a lot of people again - it's good fun, I like the chase, the conquest, the actual sex. I appreciate this is not for everyone, sex means different things to different people, but I am open to the idea that people are different, unlike you. I suspect you NCed because you know how patronising you sound.

@Booboostwo I think there's a lot of patronising on this thread, from different opinion-holders. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Personally I think it is far too many and I would be disgusted with myself to have got into double figures at any age

Because sex is disgusting? And immoral?

OP it’s an unanswerable question really. It’s more than some, less than others. Certainly a lot more than I’ve had sex with (I’m 34) but I think that’s just the way my life panned out (I was with my ex from 16-23, and my DH from 24 until now!). I certainly don’t think I’m any more moral (or less disgusting) than someone who has had 10 or 20 times the number of sexual partners I’ve had. I imagine some of my best friends have easily had sex with more than 30 people.

lalalalalalalaland that really make it ok then! 🤪

@lalalalalalalaland The situation is a bit more nuanced though.

When I was younger I was anxious, and self-conscious of course. Who wasn't? But it's very hard to untangle that from all the casual sex I was having. I mean the two things (issues like anxiety, low self-esteem AND shagging around) co-existed but I think saying one caused the other is simplifying the situation hugely. There were lots of young women with excellent self-esteem who still shagged around and those with excellent self-esteem who had steady boyfriends. And vice versa.

I also think "regret" is a hugely loaded word to use. I had sex with people lots of times for bad reasons....
Sometimes shagging a random person would help my self-esteem. Sometimes I slept with people because of peer pressure. Sometimes I had sex with men for revenge. Sometimes I had one night stands because I felt amazing in myself and wanted someone to worship my body. Sometimes I had sex with strangers because it was too awkward not to. I have had sex with men for financial returns - not necessarily that they paid me but they bought me dinner, bought me gifts and I felt I had to uphold my side of the bargain by shagging them. Once I had sex with a colleague to save myself £30 taxi fare.

I absolutely don't "regret" any of these encounters. I'm not necessarily "proud" of them. They're just things that happened a long time ago. I'm just "meh" about them. They're not things I'd share with the whole family on Xmas but I wouldn't deny that they happened.

I think women are pressured into presenting a "regret" narrative around casual sex when we get into LTRs. We're pressured into telling our partners that we regret all the casual sex, that we did it because of low confidence or whatever. And I think we (as a collective but also as individuals) tell ourselves that so much that we kind of do start to regret it.

When I got with DP, he knew my past. He found it very hard (he hadn't had the same kind of sexual past) but I was absolutely clear I wouldn't deny what I'd done and that I absolutely didn't regret it either.

I'm 35 and only 3, all in LT relationships. DH is 40, only 5. All have been LT relationships too (apart from one).

@GoingComando it's very interesting to hear about your experiences. I'm quite a black and white thinker, and appreciate that it may not actually be as simple as cause and effect, as it is in my mind.

I do think it’s a lot but I also don’t think there is anything wrong with it. If an adult wants sex why shouldn’t they have it??

Sex is perfectly normal
Having safe sex is easy always use condoms with a partner you don’t know (then have a sex health check if you want to stop using) & the woman uses something to protect her from pregnancy.

No woman or man should be made to feel they should regret having sex. Sex is normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ And if 2 consenting adults want to shag it’s nobody else business

@lalalalalalalaland It's also more complicated by the issue of pleasure.

As a woman engaging in casual sex, you're taking a risk. Sometimes the sex is absolutely mind-blowingly amazing and you come lots. Other times it can be really shit and disappointing and you don't even get close.

If it were a simple case of women sleeping around because of low self-esteem, for example, and wanting to be desired then that'd be an okay narrative if women never got any pleasure from it. Similarly, if it was only about pleasure, then we'd have to assume that it was always enjoyable every time. But it's not. So the hit-and-miss of how pleasurable it can be also complicates the narrative around cause and effect.

I had slept with 15 by 23, then I met DH and don't plan to sleep with any more (I'm now in my 30s). I have absolutely zero regrets about my number, all were consensual, safe and fun (although some better than others, like anything in life!)

If I'm honest, I didn't expect to meet DH that young so if I'd known he'd wind up being my husband I might have got a bit more experimenting under my belt sooner - not that there's anything I've missed out on that's worth not being with him for, but you only live once!

Sex is fun, free and the most natural high in the world. Frankly we're only on this planet for a short time so why wouldn't you want to experience as much as you could? Like I say, I don't ever plan to sleep with anyone else ever again - my relationship is front and centre in my life and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it - but I cannot for the life of me see the problem with having a broad range of sexual experiences if no-one gets hurt.

(For those of us that enjoy maths, my 15 were over 6 years - so 2.5 per year. Hardly scarlet woman territory!)

It’s all subjective really isn’t it?
What may seem a lot to one person won’t seem that many to another.

To me, yes 25 sounds a lot. But that’s only because I am approaching that age, and have only (consensually) had sex with 3 people - one of those being my DH.
I have friends the same age who haven’t “settled down” yet, and 25 probably wouldn’t seem like a lot to some of them.

Doesn’t really matter anyway does it? As long as all the sex taking place is between consenting adults it’s no one’s business whether you’ve had sex with 1 or 100 people

I lost my virginity at 14, and slept with over 100 people by 20. Never had an std. Just lots of fun. Married to my husband for 5 years. Now he’s gone I don’t feel like I’ll have sex ever again.

@Dollywilde Not scarlet woman... maybe slightly tinged pastel pink in the right light woman?

@lalalalalalalaland
but in reality I don't know a single person who doesn't regret sleeping with large amounts of people in their past.

Nice to meet you.

I have never had sex with someone because I felt insecure, pressured or unloved. I wasn't abused as a child and certainly never felt peer pressure to do it. I just found that when I was attracted to someone I wanted to have sex with them so I did.

The idea that I should have held back because I might go over that magic number which takes me from saint to slut is outdated and frankly bonkers.

DH was a ONS for me (which I told him from the outset) and 15 years later we are still together.

Obviously some of my encounters were disappointing but because I was experienced I knew what I wanted and was not afraid to say so.

I have 2 daughters and hope that by the time they are old enough to be sexually active, this idea that women should not sully themselves with too much sex will have been confined to the dustbin of history.

We should be focussed on teaching proper consent, how to enjoy sex and how to do it safely rather than giving a flying fuck whether our "number" is too big or too small.

I have never had sex with someone because I felt insecure, pressured or unloved. I wasn't abused as a child and certainly never felt peer pressure to do it. I just found that when I was attracted to someone I wanted to have sex with them so I did

I’m exactly the same.

I’ve forgotten my exact number. Somewhere around 30 I guess!

Probably the most passionate time is the first or maybe the second time you have sex with someone.

People who have only had a handful of partners are missing out on a lot.

And I have no regrets about any of those I have had sex with, but looking back there are a few people I wish l had taken the opportunity with where, for various reasons I didn’t.

I think that’s a lot, yes.

Funny how no one talks about how men sleep with a lot of women because they feel insecure, unloved or have low self esteem. We just can’t get away from the stereotype of men as conquering studs and women as worthless makers of regrettable mistakes.

I don't think many people have specified women on this thread actually, @booboostwo. While reading I've taken all of this as pertaining to both women and men!

Thinking of my daughters, I would be worried if they had had that many partners by that stage. I guess it’s very young and I would worry that they had in some cases been taken advantage of in some way, or felt obliged to through peer pressure, or felt obliged to have sex on lots of first dates type situations, or just had loads of one night stands with randoms who could have turned out not to have their best interests at heart.

I don’t think it’s that many, I have only had sex with two people (I’m 31), but for other stuff it will be into the early hundreds, I was known as Kneel for quite a few years.

@Biologyquestion

I totally understand your concerns. But we should be addressing these by educating our daughters about consent, bodily autonomy and safe sexual practices, rather than saddling them this archaic idea that they are somehow dirty if they have sex with more than a certain number of people.