Is sleeping with 25 people by age 21 a lot?

[FiveFarthings]

Whilst sat up with baby I stumbled across this gem on Channel 4 called ‘The Sex Clinic’. They asked the guests how many people they have slept with. Answers ranged from 5 people to the hundreds. One girl who was 21 years old said she’d slept with over 25 people.

I am just wondering if this is a lot by age 21? I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 and I’m now 33. I’ve slept with 3 people in my entire life (3 long term relationships and now married). Some of the guests who were saying they’d slept with 100s of people were a bit older so had more time to get those notches, but I still think that’s a big number for even someone in their late 20s. For example, if you lost your virginity at 16, that would make it 6 partners a year until you’re 30. Is that a lot?

I am in no way shaming anyone at all for the amount of sexual partners they have- people can swing from the chandelier with a different partner every night of the year as far as I care, but I was just wondering if I’m in the minority for having had so few sexual partners? Am I old fashioned at only 33? Is sex more casual for the younger generation, is it easier now to hook up than before wide spread internet/mobile phone usage?

I'm well on the way to 50 and I haven't had any sex at all. My loss has been at least one other person's gain.

Cherrypavlova why does it demonstrate self control to stop yourself from having sex with many people? If you can afford it and you like them should you stop yourself from buying many shoes as well to demonstrate your superior self control? Or from reading many books? Why does it show lack of self respect to sleep with many people? Respect comes from how the person treats themselves, their confidence in themselves and taking responsibility for their own actions. People can mess this up equally in one relationship as they can in many. And why would you bring having children into it? You know that not every instance of sex has to result in procreation, right?

What on earth does self control have to do with it? I can understand if you were very religious and waiting for marriage - then the self control argument makes sense, because presumably at some point pre marriage you really wanted to have sex and had to stop yourself.

But for everyone else... What's the issue? I had lots of sexual partners prior to meeting my husband. I had sex with them because I wanted to at the time. I don't regret it. I was always safe. There were no negative consequences. What did self control have to do with anything? I had lots of fun when I was younger. In fact, sometimes I wish I'd had even more sexual partners before I settled down. I really don't think anybody has been lying on their deathbed and wishing they'd had less sex and been less adventurous. You sound utterly ridiculous.

I suppose it’s the idea that denial of self is virtuous. I don’t personally subscribe to the view, why deny yourself if it’s what you want and both parties are enthusiastically consenting? Makes no sense imo.

I’ve slept with (just) less than her at 31, I imagine it would have been more if I hadn’t met my husband when I did. I look back very fondly on my encounters and I regret nothing.

It’s interesting that the question does revolve around women, with previous posters relating it to their daughters. Why not sons?

Quality over quantity for me. But I was certainly not sat at home of an evening reading books alone. I may not have had 25 partners by 21 but a lot of sex was had. Maybe more if you think that a one night stand every other month doesn’t actually get you a lot of action.

Anyway I will be teaching my girls that they can have as much fun as they like with whoever but to bear in mind porn obsessed men don’t care about your orgasm and not to put up those losers.

When I was 21 I had only slept with one person. Forty years later and it's still just one person. I'm about as unadventurous as it's possible to be!

Why is waiting until you are in a committed and loving relationship better than hedonistic frequent casual sex?

Reduced incidence of STDs and consequent impact on fertility.
Reduced numbers of children born into poverty
Reduced healthcare costs to individuals and society
Better outcomes for children

Multiple partners sadly does have lots to do with stability for children. Children born into marriage have a greater chance of stability and better outcomes.

Yes, of course the same is true for sons and daughters.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. But a 100 partners is a lot of casual sex.

Multiple sexual partners does not mean multiple children though.
My best friend has probably slept with around 50 people. She has no children, as she has used contraception with them all.
Another close friend has probably a similar number. She has two children, both with her husband in a loving, stable relationship.
I have had 6 sexual partners. My three children are all born to my DH.

CherryPavlova now you have completely changed your argument from an appeal to (rather fictitious) accounts of virtues, to an empirical claim.

• condoms prevent STD in most cases, but in any case the risk of STDs is a private choice. Do you take risks by drinking alcohol, or driving a car, or being over or under the ideal body weight?
• this one just makes too many assumptions. Contraceptives and termination give a lot of control over fertility, plus why would you assume that people who have casual sex are poor or that a life as part of a poor family is worse than no life at all?
• individual health care costs are the concern of individuals and have nothing to do with you. Public health care costs due to risky activities apply to pretty much everyone, those who smoke, those who drive, those who are over or under weight, those who engage in risky sports, those who drive, etc.
• what children? You do know that not all sex is procreative, not all procreative sex results in procreation and not all pregnancies result in live births, don’t you?

SoyDora of course you’re more likely to have a pregnancy if you treat sex more casually and the pregnancy is far more likely to be problematic.
Promiscuity can actually shorten your life and increases risks of certain cancers.
People in long term relationships are less likely to experience domestic violence.
People who are promiscuous are also more likely to suffer emotional ill health.

It’s, of course, a choice how promiscuous you are but if you are unaware of the increased risks, it’s not a very well informed choice. Much easier to pretend it’s harmless to individuals and society than encourage sexual hygiene. A bit like Trump and gun laws - long term damage rather than upset a minority by acknowledging the truth.

Oh and if my best friend did happen to conceive a child (and keep it) from one of her sexual encounters, it certainly wouldn’t be raised in poverty. She earns approx £250k per year and owns multiple properties.

Appalling lack of logic. Many partners does not mean many children (I have no children and very much intend to remain childfree).

Many partners also does not mean many STDs (I have never had one thanks to an understanding of safe sex).

There is nothing inherently virtuous about self-control regarding an activity which doesn't do either partner any harm when undertaken sensibly and with a strong sense of personal limits. Unless one is desperately looking for a (any!) reason to feel superior to others.

@Anotherusefulname

That is a very strong emotional take, to be disgusted with your hypothetical self at the possibility of more than 9 lovers in a lifetime..

Multiple partners sadly does have lots to do with stability for children. Children born into marriage have a greater chance of stability and better outcomes

Having multiple partners in your teens and early twenties, or at any time that a person is single, has nothing to do with marriage or children.

Most people I know who had lots of partners earlier in life are still with the person they have had children with.

On the other hand I know several marriages which have dissolved, despite being together since the year dot, because one partner still wondered if the grass was greener.

No change at all Booboostwo. Condoms prevent some STDs when used correctly. They don’t prevent STDs from oral contact as most partners don’t like the taste of lubricated rubber. Sadly, promiscuity and the effective use of condoms don’t have a direct correlation. The converse, in fact, condom use is not high at all.
What children? There are 45,000 single young parents in the U.K.. That’s a lot of children growing up in disadvantage because of their parents poor choices.
Individual health costs imp enormously on public health costs. Motorcross doesn’t come close in terms of impact on society.

Casual sex is not good for anyone.

I wonder how many women actually find one night stands satisfying, either emotionally or physically?
I imagine a bloke who just wishes to shag and dump is unlikely to expend much thought or effort on giving his temporary sperm receptacle an orgasm.
And the knowledge that he doesn’t want to see you again afterwards can’t do much for one’s self esteem.
I was fortunate to meet DH when I was 19. Very definitely quality over quantity, in my case!

Tbh i always wondered exactly how people go about getting so many sexual partners, not just the logistics of it but having the confidence to approach someone you fancy and seduce them, it’s something I have never been able to do because I have a real fear of rejection and people around me thinking I am desperate. I don’t think that way about other people though, just myself! I wish I had been a bit more confident when I was younger. I had a long term relationship in my twenties and met my husband early 30s but I have only had PIV sex with 7 men, it’s a bit sad really. I had a couple of one night stands but found them a bit of a gamble, you don’t know what the other person is going to like or how they will treat you, and you don’t have the time to get to know each other’s bodies and what they enjoy, or start develop your sex life like you do in a LTR, so sex with a person only once feels a bit basic to me.

However when I look back now I do think I didn’t understand how attractive I was and how much sex I could of had if i’d had the confidence to ask. So I wouldn’t judge a 21 year old for 25 partners, i’d think “lucky you, I wish I had your confidence to do the same when I was that age”.

I think it depends on attitude to sex- my DH says I am very “male” in that I can separate emotional and physical. He is the sensitive one in our marriage and he can’t.

I loved one night stand sex, but it is completely different to me from “love sex”, where you do have an emotional connection.

It was always me that opted to usually keep my one nighters that way, it is very odd @Babdoc to think that it is always a needy woman that gets rejected by the man afterwards! It was quite the opposite with my young self!

Because they have the self control and self respect to maintain committed relationships and to consider the side effects of casual sex?

You can only speak for yourself. Enjoying sex has nothing to do with self-control/self-respect. To say otherwise is paying into a misogynistic attitude that women shouldn’t enjoy sex.

And the knowledge that he doesn’t want to see you again afterwards can’t do much for one’s self esteem

Why? The whole point of a ONS is sex without the relationship. I was perfectly happy with that as a teen.

I’ve now moved onto FWB.

Babdoc. Why look at sex as something women provide for men? As if we don’t have our own agency and are instead acting as man-pleasing receptacles. You’re also assuming that it’s women that naturally want to see men afterwards, and it’s him that ‘discards’ her.

Babdoc when I had a one night stand I just wanted to ‘shag and dump’. I had no desire to continue the relationship beyond that night.

I had no sex until married at 33. Same for DH but then we are both Christians and that was important to us.
I personally think there is a price to pay for sex with multiple partners for reasons all previously mentioned, there is often an emotional cost and there are always risks of STD's and sometimes subsequent infertility, and unwanted pregnancies and then abortions, again often with further emotional cost. It is often said on MN that if a man does not want to accept responsibility for a baby, he should not have sex in the first place, and I personally think the same should apply to women. Sex is not without consequence and these are the 2018 stats
In 2018, the total abortions in England and Wales was 205,295. In this year, the abortion rate was highest for those of the age of 21, and 81% were for those who were single.
So...a very high proportion of these stats were young single women having casual sexual encounters. How can this be seen as fun?

Westberlin, I think that if you did a study on the subject you would find that in a very high proportion of cases, the woman is discarded by the man after sex as opposed to vice versa, although obviously it can be the other way round. I think as a general rule, women are more emotionally invested.

It is often said on MN that if a man does not want to accept responsibility for a baby, he should not have sex in the first place, and I personally think the same should apply to women

Having an abortion is accepting responsibility. The simple fact is women do (quite rightly!) have more options than me with regards to choices over pregnancy.

How can this be seen as fun?

How can you be applying this to everyone? Casual sex will be very wrong for some people and will come with consequences that harm them. Others will be fine.