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Original poster

DP wants me to work FT so he can be PT

130 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:31

I can't get past this and I'm building resentment already.

DP has two children and I'm pregnant with his third, my first. He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children. I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He keeps stating that he has already had to bare the financial pressures before and it comes across that now it is my turn even though it wasn't me who was relying on him financially before but his ex.

I work long hours and my drive takes 3 hours out of my day. I don't want to go back full time when I can afford to survive on a PT salary and look after our baby. But he seems adamant that he won't miss out but doesn't seem to understand that I feel I would be missing out more due to being away from home much more than him. The days I work I probably won't see baby as I'm out for 14+ hours.

I'm starting to feel really down about it. I don't want to miss out on anything either. Even on my part time salary we'll still be ok each month so it will be him driving how much he wants to work not me and I have a good amount of savings built up too to help out.

What can I do? I've tried to discuss it but we both think the other has missed the point the other is trying to make. He has left it that "we'll see" and he is right because it won't matter for a long while yet but I'm stressing that I'm not going to be left without a choice.

OP posts:
howdyalikemenow · 28/08/2019 19:33

Can you both afford to go part time?

Mxyzptlk · 28/08/2019 19:35

You can afford to both work PT, do you mean?

Drogosnextwife · 28/08/2019 19:36

Why would you be left without a choice. You have said you will be fine financially to stay working part time so that's what you do. He doesn't get to dictate how many hours you work.
Why should you miss out on your first baby growing up?
I would tell him to take his face for a shite.

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RNBrie · 28/08/2019 19:36

I think it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to go part time, in the same way that it's perfectly reasonable that you do too.

Could you both do 4 days a week?

If I were you, I'd put a proper costed plan together. What are you planning on dp8ng for childcare, what's the bare minimum you need to get by each month. What would going part time mean for your pension contributions. That sort of thing.

It's pointless arguing about who has more right to go part time as you both have the same parental rights.

Put together a plan that works for you both.

minesapinkgin · 28/08/2019 19:37

Let him. He'll soon get fed up and want to go back full time!

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:39

He chooses what he works so I feel that if I can contribute more than him on part time hours then it is up to him what he chooses to work and contribute.

Yes we can both afford to work part time. The household bills are half each so it is anything he wants extra that he'll need to decide. By me going back full time I could subsidise him but not the other way round. I don't need to him to do that for me as our finances are separate.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 28/08/2019 19:41

Think about your pension and work benefits, as well as your future savings, assets etc.

Why would you sacrifice your future for his past?

I'd have a long think tbh.

Basilneedswaterandsun · 28/08/2019 19:41

Any chance of you getting a similarly paid job closer to home? Can see both sides to be honest.

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:42

@RNBrie that's a great plan. I have already started an excel spreadsheet with my pt salary but I could include his pt projected earnings so he can see what he needs to bring in each month.

Just to clarify I understand his desire to work part time is no different than mine but I'm not asking him to work full time to support me. I feel that is what he expects me to do though.

OP posts:
OneEpisode · 28/08/2019 19:52

Go through the scenarios. For example if you worked 4 days and the fifth provided childcare, and he worked three days and was with your little one two days, your family would only need two days of childcare. Who would pay for this? I think perhaps dad should pay for 0.5 childcare and you’d pay for the rest as you have worked more days outside of the home.

If he doesn’t work outside the home, he wouldn’t need to pay for childcare. But is he expecting you to pay him an allowance for walking around money? And pay 100% of the bills? So run down your savings?
That seems unusual in 2019 unless you’ve been together very long term?

OneEpisode · 28/08/2019 19:56

In some families one earner does subsidises the other for instance where I subsidise my husband. We both agreed this made sense, taking into account commutes, earnings, and that the one at home was good at home tasks like in our home, cooking and caring for the disabled family member. But we had been together more than a decade.

cansu · 28/08/2019 20:00

Just tell him no. He can choose to work part time too but he doesn't get to oblige you to make up his wage.

user1480880826 · 28/08/2019 20:04

Work our exactly how many hours you would each spend with the baby based on the possible scenarios and work out which is the fairest. You should not miss out on time with your baby just because he had a bad experience with his ex partner. None of that is your fault. Surely he can also see the hypocrisy of making you work full time because it’s awful to miss time spent with a newborn baby.

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 20:07

He is self employed so if he wants to work more for extra earnings he can.

I have to have my hours agreed and set up a contract to reflect that. Family would be doing child care and baby would also go to nursery for socialising which I can pay for.

I don't want to get into subsidising as we both have commitments and I have always pulled my weight even when times were very tough for me.

We both share domestic tasks and I tend to buy the majority of the food shopping but he will do when I ask. Been together a little while but both of us have agreed our finances are our own. The house is protected to the hilt so in the event of a breakdown we walk with what was ours and share the additional equity 50/50.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 28/08/2019 20:11

I would say both work equal part time.

You need to make sure he does fair share around the house also.

mummmy2017 · 28/08/2019 20:13

Tell him your going to cover your share of the bills, he needs to cover his.....

museumum · 28/08/2019 20:16

No reason why you shouldn’t work equal amounts and get equal time with your dc.
What do you want to do? 3 days? If he also does 3 and your both in Monday to Friday jobs that’s just one day you need childcare.
Why are you and he assuming it shouldn’t be equal?

PilatesPeach · 28/08/2019 20:16

But why should you miss out OP by working FT just so he doesn't miss out? His 1st relationship is nothing to do with you and he has to stand by the choices he and his ex make and not bring them into your relationship. Also, given that he already has 2 children, how would he be able to contribute 50-50 to your outgoings and still provide maintenance for them? I am a bit confused really as to how he thinks that this would work even if it was fair.

duckling84 · 28/08/2019 20:17

Well simply put, if you both pay 50/50 on all household bills (childcare included - he must pay half!) Then you have to simply sit down and work out the bare minimum you each need to earn, so if your outgoings are say 2k a month, you each must earn 1k. How many days and how many hours worked is up to each of you and if you both want to work pt then go for it. As long as you are paying your share then neither need permission from the other.

I personally think it's a great idea if you both work 3 or 4 days so have one day at least when it's just you and baby, so he works mon/tues/weds and you work weds/thurs/fri. Then you only need one day childcare. And if he is self employed is there also the possibility that he does full time hours but over 3/4 days instead of 5?

Don't stress over it

museumum · 28/08/2019 20:18

Also - do not forget to think about the future when the child is at school but also off for lots of holidays. Time flies and before you know it you’ve a 5yr old and are juggling term time and holidays.

ourkidmolly · 28/08/2019 20:18

How old are his current children? Doesn't he want to invest more time into them right now rather than plan for the child who won't need care for another year....assuming you'll be on maternity leave.

jessycake · 28/08/2019 20:20

Stick to your guns , you will never see your baby during the week and you you can't have that time back . I think this is very unfair if this wasn't discussed and agreed before you became pregnant

Lumene · 28/08/2019 20:21

I would do the maths and work out a way to both do p/t.

Lumene · 28/08/2019 20:22

Will you split childcare costs 50:50?

NoBaggyPants · 28/08/2019 20:22

Sounds more like a house share than a marriage. What a miserable way to exist.