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Original poster

DP wants me to work FT so he can be PT

130 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:31

I can't get past this and I'm building resentment already.

DP has two children and I'm pregnant with his third, my first. He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children. I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He keeps stating that he has already had to bare the financial pressures before and it comes across that now it is my turn even though it wasn't me who was relying on him financially before but his ex.

I work long hours and my drive takes 3 hours out of my day. I don't want to go back full time when I can afford to survive on a PT salary and look after our baby. But he seems adamant that he won't miss out but doesn't seem to understand that I feel I would be missing out more due to being away from home much more than him. The days I work I probably won't see baby as I'm out for 14+ hours.

I'm starting to feel really down about it. I don't want to miss out on anything either. Even on my part time salary we'll still be ok each month so it will be him driving how much he wants to work not me and I have a good amount of savings built up too to help out.

What can I do? I've tried to discuss it but we both think the other has missed the point the other is trying to make. He has left it that "we'll see" and he is right because it won't matter for a long while yet but I'm stressing that I'm not going to be left without a choice.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 28/08/2019 20:52

we are married but both self employed with separate businesses so we keep separate finances it works for us we have DD 9 and have been married over 10 years my business generally makes more than his so with household expenses to be fair I pay 2/3 and DH a third
for big purchases like furniture we do 50/50 we no longer have child care as I work form home and now DD is old enough to amuse herself in the house if I still need to do a bit of work after she is home from school, I'm available if she needs me

Lumene · 28/08/2019 20:52

I can list a dozen or more women I know who have requested exactly this from their partner in recent years and no one batted an eyelid. Just because he's male it's wrong?

No men should have as much right as women to stay at home. In this case both partners want to and happily it seems both can work part-time.

wheresthehope · 28/08/2019 20:53

Tell him no.
You will work PT and he is welcome to work PT aswel if he chooses but you will not have him dictate how things are going to be.

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Relationship problems
KitKat1985 · 28/08/2019 20:53

I don't think either of you are wrong, you both just want more time with the baby. Can you both drop your hours by 5-10 hours a week as a compromise?

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 20:54

I can see both sides of this tbh, plenty of women want pt for their kids why shouldn't a man?

OTOH you can afford to be pt why should you go ft for his kids. There is much more to life than working ft when you don't have to.
I wouldn't be prepared to travel any distance for a job, if it meant time away from my family.

MidweekObscurity · 28/08/2019 20:54

I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He can work part time and still contribute well (he pays himself a salary full time equal to my part time) and the remaining "profit" is his for keeps. How much that is exactly I'm not sure but it is a bit less than what I take home full time. That pays taxes, tools, repairs etc so I don't worry about that because it is business money.

This all seems a bit contrary, but perhaps I'm just a bit thick. Hope it all works out.

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2019 20:55

Yes reduce your hours to part time, you won't regret it. I went from 5 to 3 days. It was perfect. I felt well balanced. See how you get by on your new salary. If it goes well then maybe he can reduce his hours too

Invisimamma · 28/08/2019 20:56

Both work part time, thats what me and dp do..I work 21 hours (+6hrs commute). He works 30hours he's a lower earner but 10min commute, so we end up bout contributing same cash amount. Soon I will hopefully increase to 28 hours as both children at school.

MostlyHappyMummy · 28/08/2019 20:57

If you are able to contribute your fair share to the household pot by working PT then stand your ground and work PT.
If he is able to contribute his fair share to the household pot by working PT then he can also work PT. If not then he will need to work more than PT.
I assume he pays maintenance for his older children from his money and not the household pot? If not, then that is what should be happening.
In addition, any childcare for your joint child should come from the household pot and not be your sole responsibility.
Neither of you can MAKE the other work more or less than each of you want to.

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 20:59

He isn't trying to shaft the ex out of maintenance or extras he pays. That will always be covered and is accounted for.

His extra business money is for the business and is still less than my full time equivalent. I don't begrudge this money. I have my own savings. He is entitled to his. I will make my own sacrifices to work pt and he is entitled to do the same. I think I can see a way to make it work and show him. I just need to get on the computer this weekend to put my plan into action.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 21:02

You don't have to justify anything to him. You have separate finances, he doesn't get to tell you to work FT because of how he screwed up with his first 2 kids.

TheBrockmans · 28/08/2019 21:02

I think spending time with the children and (hopefully) sorting out the house too is really useful and means he will be more able to understand what is involved so you don't fall into the trap of squeezing all the wifework into your two days off. You do need a clear division of jobs though.

chocpop · 28/08/2019 21:03

Unpopular opinion perhaps, but this is your first child so I think you get to call the shots a bit. He's already had two opportunities. What if you end up having 1 child? Then you've missed out entirely due to a long commute and he's had 3 kids worth of bonding time. Plus you earn plenty PT so you can afford to stay at home.

Sorryandstressed · 28/08/2019 21:03

If you can afford PT then do it. Give him the same option but make it clear you won't be subsidising his choice.

Sincethereis · 28/08/2019 21:03

Does he want to work less so he doesn’t have to pay so much maintenance for his other children?

@fuzzyduck1

Funny how when a woman wants to work less it because she wants to spend more time with children etc but when it’s a man ... Biscuit

cacklingmags · 28/08/2019 21:03

This is your first baby, no? You will want to spend a lot of time with the little one, as much as possible. That is most reasonable of you.

RebeccaRae · 28/08/2019 21:05

His desire to go part time is every bit as reasonable as yours.

Can you compromise and both work PT? That would seem the fairest way to do it to me.

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 21:05

@midweekobscurity

Sorry you're right it does look confusing. I don't count the extra money as it falls outside the household. So his "salary" he pays himself is equal to my pt salary. The extra money pays for business related expenses not household and social expenses. Hope that clarifies. I forgot about it tbh as it isn't important to the overall shared costs. In theory he could work pt and still pay himself a full time salary the business would just have less money...

OP posts:
RebeccaRae · 28/08/2019 21:06

Sorry, you already said you can! In that case that's the obvious solution.

jellycatspyjamas · 28/08/2019 21:06

I don’t understand - a woman wants to work part time, meaning she’ll earn less than her partner and there are no thoughts that he’ll be subsidising her, providing “walking around money” whatever that is, it’s recognised that her role in being primary Carer has an intrinsic worth,

A man wanting to do the same is greeted with suspicion and comments about him trying to avoid maintenance, wanting to be subsided etc.

If both of you can afford to go part time, do it but you’re no more subsidising him than he would be subsidising you if he were the higher earner.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 28/08/2019 21:07

If he earns well and picks and chooses where was his passion to do this last time?
He sounds like he's taking the mick- I wouldn't go down shared care / split parental leave path, he has existing kids to support and missed his chance last time, doesn't mean you should have to this time.

chipsandgin · 28/08/2019 21:08

Have you pointed out the irony of his ‘missing out’ last time (not your problem) meaning you therefore get to miss out this time? It’s ludicrous! Also he doesn’t have to recover from the birth, or breastfeed!?

You both going PT is a far better plan. You also don’t know how you’ll feel yet - I’ve had friends convinced they would be SAHPs who couldn’t bear it so went back way earlier than anticipated & high flying career women who thought they’d be back in after 3 months who decided to become SAHPs. It’s not fair for him to dictate what you do.

I hope his motivation is pure but I’d be very wary of how selfish his desire is at your (& your babies) expense.

Belfield · 28/08/2019 21:10

If you can both work part time and all bills, holidays, luxuries etc are paid then can’t see what the problem is. Maybe I’m missing something.

Okbaby · 28/08/2019 21:10

Double standards yet again

Thornhill58 · 28/08/2019 21:12

Can he afford to work PT even after child maintenance?