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Original poster

DP wants me to work FT so he can be PT

130 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:31

I can't get past this and I'm building resentment already.

DP has two children and I'm pregnant with his third, my first. He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children. I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He keeps stating that he has already had to bare the financial pressures before and it comes across that now it is my turn even though it wasn't me who was relying on him financially before but his ex.

I work long hours and my drive takes 3 hours out of my day. I don't want to go back full time when I can afford to survive on a PT salary and look after our baby. But he seems adamant that he won't miss out but doesn't seem to understand that I feel I would be missing out more due to being away from home much more than him. The days I work I probably won't see baby as I'm out for 14+ hours.

I'm starting to feel really down about it. I don't want to miss out on anything either. Even on my part time salary we'll still be ok each month so it will be him driving how much he wants to work not me and I have a good amount of savings built up too to help out.

What can I do? I've tried to discuss it but we both think the other has missed the point the other is trying to make. He has left it that "we'll see" and he is right because it won't matter for a long while yet but I'm stressing that I'm not going to be left without a choice.

OP posts:
Lumene · 28/08/2019 21:16

Double standards yet again

?

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 21:17

We can both work part time. Being on here has been incredibly helpful so thank you all. I can see a clear way to show him how we can work it out. I think he'll agree once he sees it (also tips slightly in his favour!)

OP posts:
GrouchoMrx · 28/08/2019 21:18

Your DP has responsibilities. Your DP needs to work out how he will provide for his three children and work part-time.

No, you should not go full-time in order to subsidise him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Hello1231 · 28/08/2019 21:18

I agree that if financially viable you could both go part time, I know you said you would like nursery for socialising, but perhaps you wouldn't need to do it so soon if you could have different days off. If my partner wanted to drop to part time I would have been supportive, as you are, but I also wouldn't go back full time to accommodate it; you both should be happy with the decision if money won't be a problem. As it was he was keen to get back to work, he is a fantastic father but the balance works well for us.

Oly4 · 28/08/2019 21:25

The key thing here is that you can both afford to work PT, it’s a great position to be in! So just tell him you’re not going back FT. Whether he wants to work FT or PT is up to him

SinkGirl · 28/08/2019 21:36

I’m not sure that it’s healthy to look at one partner as subsidising the other when there’s a child / children involved. My DH earns significantly more than me, because he works full time and I work very part time. I look after our twins, both with disabilities, and it means we aren’t spending £2k a month on childcare (plus we’d be screwed in school holidays in a few years - good luck finding holiday childcare for two disabled children). I don’t feel he is subsidising me, and importantly neither does he. It would be different if there were no children involved, but even then many couples have vastly different incomes / earning potential. That attitude is going to cause a lot of resentment.

justasking111 · 28/08/2019 21:36

As long as he can pay the maintenance to his ex. it should be ok.

Xenia · 28/08/2019 21:47

If he goes part time he will not have to pay much to his first children who in my view should take priority over the new baby as they came first. This man reckons he can afford three chidlren a very expensive undertaking and provide care and time for all three. Going part time will just cut off his first children's money substantially so presumably it is a plan to shaft his ex.

Don't marry him even if to legitimise the new baby as you earn more than he does and he can then claim spousal maintenance from you if you split up. Keep your own assets in your own name. Don;t' make him the prmary carer as he might get the baby if you split up.

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 21:53

Does he expect you to have his children when they are around during your mat leave? If he doesn't go pt?

BrokenWing · 28/08/2019 22:13

When I finished maternity leave we put ds in nursery 3 days a week. I took Fridays off work and dh took Mondays off. dh was self employed and could pick and choose his hours, if he had extra work he could catch up evenings/weekends if he was quiet he'd have an extra day off with ds and not use the nursery. Worked well for us.

Lazysundays18 · 28/08/2019 22:17

Both me and my husband dropped a day each. Our little boy loves spending time with us both on our separate days off.

meditrina · 28/08/2019 22:19

Xenia's post is cynical, but important.

Can he afford all three of his DC without working full time?

Yes, he mightnwant to go part time, but I don't see how he can do that without shafting his first two DC - and that has to be one of the most unattractive things a man can do, it's beyond selfish

As you are not married, think very, very carefully before reducing your income (and career trajectory and pensions contributions).

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 28/08/2019 22:26

Yeah I wouldn't want to be away from my new baby or even toddler 14hrs a day.

QualCheckBot · 28/08/2019 22:26

He needs to work full time to support his 2 previous children as well as his third child with you. I wonder whether avoiding his responsibilities to his other children is behind his sudden desire to drop hours.

Its not double standards - a man would be very unlikely to have two children from a previous marriage living with him as well as a third on the way. As is the case here.

ApolloniaVitelliCorleone · 28/08/2019 22:26

Tell him to go fuck himself. Why should you pay (literally) for his past mistakes!!!!

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 22:27

I personally think you guys should both go PT and work equal hours. Your DP earns less than you so it is not fair to expect him to work extra hours to match your earnings. Similarly, it makes little economic sense for the primary breadwinner to work as few hours as possible.

CharlesChickens · 28/08/2019 22:28

Babies want their mothers when they are small. Fathers are great later, but small babies belong to women imo.
This is your first baby. The fact that he feels regret over how he parented his two older children should not mean that you too miss out on time with your baby. Stick to your guns and go back to work part time.

Original poster
AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 22:30

I really want to reiterate that his children will continue to receive full maintenance that they get now including any extras. He can afford both.

Plus I have budgeted my money for our child so they do not miss out. When our child gets older his eldest two will be adults. They may or may not require financial assistance then but for that we cannot plan.

I have no desire/plan to get married. I have back up plans for if things go tits up and my pensions are all good. I don't plan on being pt forever just for the early years. I would like to retire at some point before death Wink

Also sorry if my reference to subsidising caused offense. Obviously every situation is different and I couldn't think of another word to use instead.

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 28/08/2019 22:30

I honestly don't see how he can continue supporting the two children he already has if he stops working. Unless he has secret wealth somewhere.

I would tell him he needs to work, even if it's part time, to protect himself and his children, ALL of his children. He helped bring them into the world he needs to make sure he continues to support them fairly.

converseandjeans · 28/08/2019 22:31

Sounds like he wants to declare less income to his former partner.

Stick to your own wishes. It won't be good for your relationship with baby if you're out the house 14 hours a day x 5 per week.

If you are able to get by on a PT salary then best thing is for you to both be PT.

riversideA · 28/08/2019 22:35

You need to think about your financial position on the one hand, and your potential resentment of DP on the other. By the way, babies don't need to "socialise" with other babies until they are at least 2 if not 3. Until that time all they need is an interested adult, preferably a parent.

QualCheckBot · 28/08/2019 22:35

Plus I have budgeted my money for our child so they do not miss out. When our child gets older his eldest two will be adults.

So he's proposing not fully supporting his third child so he can go part time?

That's awful. He sounds as though he thinks he has a bit of a raw deal in the past, so he wants to set out his stall in advance so there is no danger of that in the future. You get the raw deal instead.

If he keeps having children he really needs to work full time unless there is an outstanding reason that he cannot do so.

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2019 22:40

He wants to spend time with the baby= great.
You want to spend time with the baby= great.
You can afford your share of bills part time = great.
He can afford his share of the bills part time = great.
He thinks you should make it up to him for how he did parenting with his first two children by sacrificing your time with your first baby = fucking ridiculous.

HappyParent2000 · 28/08/2019 22:41

No issue here on the face of it.

Sit down and work out the finances and it will probably work out.

Goingonagondola · 28/08/2019 22:42

Yes I think 'Of course you can go part time dear, good luck with your money' covers it.

Pay exactly half each and enjoy your life.

By the way, he sounds like a bully.