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Original poster

DP wants me to work FT so he can be PT

130 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:31

I can't get past this and I'm building resentment already.

DP has two children and I'm pregnant with his third, my first. He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children. I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He keeps stating that he has already had to bare the financial pressures before and it comes across that now it is my turn even though it wasn't me who was relying on him financially before but his ex.

I work long hours and my drive takes 3 hours out of my day. I don't want to go back full time when I can afford to survive on a PT salary and look after our baby. But he seems adamant that he won't miss out but doesn't seem to understand that I feel I would be missing out more due to being away from home much more than him. The days I work I probably won't see baby as I'm out for 14+ hours.

I'm starting to feel really down about it. I don't want to miss out on anything either. Even on my part time salary we'll still be ok each month so it will be him driving how much he wants to work not me and I have a good amount of savings built up too to help out.

What can I do? I've tried to discuss it but we both think the other has missed the point the other is trying to make. He has left it that "we'll see" and he is right because it won't matter for a long while yet but I'm stressing that I'm not going to be left without a choice.

OP posts:

raspberryk · 28/08/2019 20:23

Both go part time, simples.
I think if dp and I ever reproduce he will stop work/go pt and I will work ft/almost full time. It would work out better financially and otherwise for us.

Herat1986 · 28/08/2019 20:23

I can list a dozen or more women I know who have requested exactly this from their partner in recent years and no one batted an eyelid. Just because he's male it's wrong?
You being the higher earner is exactly the reason you SHOULD work full time and him part time, as a family you'd be better off than if its the other way around.

Mxyzptlk · 28/08/2019 20:24

Forget the "missing out" with his 2 kids.
You both want time with this baby so you both need to come up with a plan to make that work.
He is completely unreasonable to try to insist on you working FT if it's not financially essential.

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Relationship problems

LatteLove · 28/08/2019 20:25

Can you birth drop to 4 days?

I’ve always done 4 days since I had my kids and it’s great. Perfect balance for me

QueenOfPain · 28/08/2019 20:25

I’d tell him to do one when it comes to this, why should your first experience of motherhood that you’ve saved and worked hard to be able to afford and be in a good financial position for, be suddenly restricted by the financial and career decisions that he and his ex made?

It’s your life, your money, your baby, do what works for you.

LatteLove · 28/08/2019 20:25

*both

daphine2004 · 28/08/2019 20:26

I can see where he is coming from.

Why not do shared parental leave during maternity and then see how you go?

Financially it seems like your earning power full time is greater, if there’s not currently much difference in salary with you PT and him FT.

LatteLove · 28/08/2019 20:26

I’d also be wary about using the savings you’ve saved for yourself and your baby to subsidise him going pt.

Original poster

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 20:28

I am happy with financial equality. I would be doing 3 days a week (shift worker: 24/7 365) so I would be doing all sorts of shifts and fortunately we can work around these well as he is self employed. I don't mind what he works but I don't want to subsidise him. I don't think that is fair on me when everything is equal at the moment and works for us.

He can easily increase or decrease his earnings. I cannot as my employer is not flexible. I'm either part time or I'm not. I can't choose what I work week by week. So if he is low on funds he has the option to pick up work. If I'm low on funds i would run to my dad I would need to use savings or credit card.

OP posts:

darceybussell · 28/08/2019 20:29

Can't you both go part time? If you can afford it what's the issue?

breaconoptimist · 28/08/2019 20:32

You’re not being unreasonable to want to work pt. 14 plus hour days absolutely means you will struggle to have any quality time with the dc on those days.

MidweekObscurity · 28/08/2019 20:32

What about his older DC, are they adults or does he have any financial responsibilities for them?

breaconoptimist · 28/08/2019 20:33

I agree the lady doesn’t matter, but it is good that he wants to be more involved with this baby. I do agree though that sharing parental leave and then seeing is a good plan as one or both of you may not find the reality of the baby as engaging as the idea, if dp wasn’t involved much with the older ones he may not realise what he’s getting into.

Lillygolightly · 28/08/2019 20:34

I understand that he doesn’t want to miss out as he felt he missed out the previous 2 times he got to become a father. However by his logic he is being massively unreasonable to expect you to miss out things on you FIRST time becoming a mother!!!

Since you keep your finances separate I would say that you going back full time is not up for debate, especially since you can cover your share of costs on your part time wage. Tell him that you are not stopping him going part time or doing less hours but how he facilitates that is for him to take care of and so long as he covers his share of the costs.

breaconoptimist · 28/08/2019 20:34

Lady? Past!

Sotiredofthislife · 28/08/2019 20:38

So his existing childre....what happens to them if he goes part time? Are you sure he’s just not trying to,piss off his ex by paying less maintenance?

Original poster

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 20:40

We can both work part time. I'm happy for this. It is fair. I don't want to work full time when I can spend more time with our baby.

He can work part time and still contribute well (he pays himself a salary full time equal to my part time) and the remaining "profit" is his for keeps. How much that is exactly I'm not sure but it is a bit less than what I take home full time. That pays taxes, tools, repairs etc so I don't worry about that because it is business money.

We're not married and his children need financial protection so it is important our money is separate. Whilst depressing for some, it works for us.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 20:47

I can list a dozen or more women I know who have requested exactly this from their partner in recent years and no one batted an eyelid. Just because he's male it's wrong?

Did all those women also have two other children to support and lowering their earnings means it lowered what they fairly pay to support those children? I'll bet not.

You tell him NO, I'm not going to work FT so you can be PT because you have two other children to support. If you can work out a way to work PT whilst still paying your fair share to them, crack on, but I'm going PT and contributing as usual. And then leave him to it.

RedPandaFluff · 28/08/2019 20:48

I think you're being really sensible by keeping everything separate, @AndBeholdAWhiteHorse, and I completely agree that you shouldn't sacrifice time with your child in order to work full-time and subsidise him, when you can show that you can still manage even if you're both part-time.

He needs to understand that he won't be bearing the financial pressure this time round (that he seems to so resent from his previous relationship) but that you're a team and will bear the pressure equally - which is fair. What is absolutely NOT fair is making you bear the consequences of his old resentments in some sort of weird "it's MY turn!" when you never actually got "your turn"!

HarrySnotter · 28/08/2019 20:48

You being the higher earner is exactly the reason you SHOULD work full time and him part time, as a family you'd be better off than if its the other way around.

I don't think you get to tell the OP what she should do. She clearly has no problem with her DP working part time. She also wants to work part time and they can afford to do this. Just because your mates want their partners to subsidise them, doesn't make it right - nor does it mean that others should do the same.

Original poster

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 20:48

Childrens' maintenance will remain the same as will any extras he currently pays. He will continue seeing his children the same if not more I assume.

No point doing shared mat/pat leave as he isn't entitled to anything due to self employment. My mat leave package is v. good and I have saved for the remaining unpaid months

All the advice on here has been very helpful and I feel much more in control of how to proceed without starting an argument. Will put my excel spreadsheets to good use this weekend!!!

As a side note I'm delighted he wants to be involved so much with baby. It makes my heart sing. I just want to be equal to the time spent with baby and I think I see now how to achieve a good outcome for us both.

OP posts:

Lumene · 28/08/2019 20:50

So he has more than his wage from the business? If it is profit, that is money left after costs.

I would be very wary of someone asking me to work more to support them while they keep an unknown additional amount of money back for themselves.

Is this partly to avoid paying child maintenance on his part, or does he pay the full amount based on his actual profits?

If a ltd company the amounts will presumably be visible from accounts via Companies House.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2019 20:50

So he thinks you should miss out on time with your first baby because he feels as though he missed out on time with his first two babies. And that’s your responsibility because???

It sounds as though you can afford to go part time. You may feel physically and mentally you need to go part time after the baby is born so he definitely shouldn’t be imposing this on you: Pregnancy and birth can really take its toll on a woman’s body. He can pick up more work and work less as business and finances require. That sounds totally fair.

fuzzyduck1 · 28/08/2019 20:50

Does he want to work less so he doesn’t have to pay so much maintenance for his other children?

Lumene · 28/08/2019 20:51

As a side note I'm delighted he wants to be involved so much with baby. It makes my heart sing.

Yes this is lovely and great for baby too.

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