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Original poster

DP wants me to work FT so he can be PT

130 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 28/08/2019 19:31

I can't get past this and I'm building resentment already.

DP has two children and I'm pregnant with his third, my first. He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children. I understand this but my work is well paid and I/we can afford for me to be part time. I can still contribute roughly the same as what he can full time.

He keeps stating that he has already had to bare the financial pressures before and it comes across that now it is my turn even though it wasn't me who was relying on him financially before but his ex.

I work long hours and my drive takes 3 hours out of my day. I don't want to go back full time when I can afford to survive on a PT salary and look after our baby. But he seems adamant that he won't miss out but doesn't seem to understand that I feel I would be missing out more due to being away from home much more than him. The days I work I probably won't see baby as I'm out for 14+ hours.

I'm starting to feel really down about it. I don't want to miss out on anything either. Even on my part time salary we'll still be ok each month so it will be him driving how much he wants to work not me and I have a good amount of savings built up too to help out.

What can I do? I've tried to discuss it but we both think the other has missed the point the other is trying to make. He has left it that "we'll see" and he is right because it won't matter for a long while yet but I'm stressing that I'm not going to be left without a choice.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 28/08/2019 22:43

Sorry, I haven't seen anyone ask this and if they have, the OP hasn't answered, but if your finances are separate, I don't understand what business it is of his if you work PT or FT or how it would benefit him?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 28/08/2019 22:52

I really want to reiterate that his children will continue to receive full maintenance that they get now including any extras. He can afford both.

Can hs afford this while working part time though? You are talking about using your savings on the baby so does that mean he isn't contributing any of his savings?

raspberryk · 28/08/2019 23:05

Such a double standard in this thread for example @Goingonagondola's post. If a man had said that to/about his partner regarding pt work after a baby everyone would be telling her to LTB !

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Relationship problems
IamtheOA · 28/08/2019 23:13

OP
Does your dp have a chip on his shoulder from last time? It seems a bit unfair that you have to ' make up ' for his last experience.

Can you not move closer to your job?

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 28/08/2019 23:23

Don't marry him even if to legitimise the new baby as you earn more than he does and he can then claim spousal maintenance from you if you split up.

Hahahahahaha

But this is the exact reason that SAHMs/part-time women are told to marry their rich partners!

Such hypocrisy.

Goingonagondola · 28/08/2019 23:24

Such a double standard in this thread for example @Goingonagondola's post. If a man had said that to/about his partner regarding pt work after a baby everyone would be telling her to LTB !

No, they wouldn't. I've seen many such posts. If a woman had kids from a previous relationship and decided she didn't spend enough time with them so she was going to go PT after her next baby and bully her new husband (with no other kids) to work full time 14 hour days to support that, she'd have her arse handed to her on this board.

The OP has expressed that thy have separate finances, so she's perfectly entitled to tell him to go PT if he can separately afford it, but not to finance him.

Daisypie · 28/08/2019 23:27

You don't owe him anything for the decisions he made with his previous partner.

MoltonSilver · 28/08/2019 23:27

Its great that he wants to be more involved but he cant have you paying the debt he feels his ex owes him. If you don't want the arrangement he is suggesting then you both need to find a 50/50 solution. It's not because of you that he missed out last time. Its not up to you to give him 'his turn' by missing 'your turn'.

raspberryk · 28/08/2019 23:35

Hardly sounds like bullying, generally seems like a good option for the highest earner to carry on working ft. Just discussion about options which at the moment it looks like neither of them can appreciate the others view point or think of any solutions or compromises to the situation.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 29/08/2019 04:43

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't believe that the non-birth parent should have an equal right to drop work while the baby is young.

The woman carries the baby, has to recover from birth, is the one who breastfeeds (if that's something you choose to do) in which case she loses far more sleep. She is the one at risk of birth injuries, joint problems, dramatic changes to her weight, post natal mental health issues, mastitis... I could go on and on.

The woman carries the physical burden of bringing a child into the world, and if she wants time at home to recover and bond with the baby she worked so hard to create then that should be prioritised.

Obviously Dads are important. It is awesome that he wants to go part time. But not at the expense of the mother if that's important to her.

Teaandcrisps · 29/08/2019 04:51

Great to have the opportunity for.you both to be hands on parents and also both contribute financially. Accept that the household income will be lower for these years because you are both choosing to go p/t - this is what myself and OH did. The key is that you also have a fully equal partnership on all other levels - home, household, mental load, cleaning, cooking etc.

chopc · 29/08/2019 05:30

So if this was the other way round would MN have the same view? Father has just as much right to enjoy the baby as the mother. Most women who are stay at home mums contribute nothing financially

CrumpetyTea · 29/08/2019 05:38

Both PT sounds perfect.
I really resented the fact that my partner got to spend more time with our baby than I did as I was the one supporting us - it sort of felt that I lost out because I had a good job while he had opted out of the rat race to have an easy life and then got to see our baby more - and we had agreed it all upfront!
Also try and get more flexibility in your job if you can- saving on the commute will give you so much more time at home but not eat into the salary

Drogosnextwife · 29/08/2019 08:42

. Most women who are stay at home mums contribute nothing financially

How is this relevant in the OPs situation? Most sahd's contribute nothing financially either Hmm

breaconoptimist · 29/08/2019 08:46

if money was shared I could see more of a case for the highest earner staying full time but it isn't and shouldn't be in this setup by the sounds of it, so if the mum can survive happily on the PT salary that argument doesn't hold weight for me.

I would suck it and see though, Op, one or both of you may change your preferences after several months on ML without sleep! In a way both of you are inexperienced with babies if your DP didn't do much last time round due to being at work.

Drogosnextwife · 29/08/2019 08:47

Does the OP work part time atm? This guy wants to force her into full time work to take her away from her first born child, so he can drop his hours which will probably mean him paying less towards the children he already has (unless he expects the OP to make up that short fall for him).

breaconoptimist · 29/08/2019 08:56

that is a good point - are his existing children going to lose out? It would all be a bit unpalatable if that were the case, admitting you weren't around much for your elder DC and then screwing them over for maintenance so you can focus on the new baby and do it right sounds like a disastrous idea for family harmony.

That's not op's fault though, as she's not responsible for his financial decisions wrt his kids.

Xenia · 29/08/2019 09:47

It is certainly a cl,assi thing for divorced fathers to do indeed some will do all the childcare for the new family as the new wife's income is not included inwhat they pay their children or their ex spouse so if they can get their income down to zero they avoid having to pay.

howyoulikemenow · 29/08/2019 09:59

You will never be left without a choice. You are an individual with your own mind, not under a dictatorship. If you want to go PT then you go PT.

FajitasForTea · 29/08/2019 10:12

OP please stick to your guns. Do not subsidise him. Do not marry him. Do not go full time if you can afford part time. You are wise to keep your independence and protect your assets. I don't like his assumption that you have to make up for the situation with his ex. I also don't like his eagerness to have you back in the workplace full time, especially with that commute. He's already got kids so presumably he knows how long it can take for a woman to recover from birth, and how some health issues can take longer than others. I want to add "while he sits at home" but that's unfair of me and I'm prejudiced because of the certain type of man I've encountered who think staying at home with the baby is a cushy opportunity to watch telly or game. Your DP could be a fantastic hands on father - how is he with the children he has already? Does he have them 50/50, does he do the same amount of work for them as their mother would, or does he let you do a lot? That will give you a hint as to how he is with the new baby

FajitasForTea · 29/08/2019 10:16

Also Xenia's advice is spot on. She's a cynical so and so, and she'd probably think I was her cleaner or something if we ever met in real life, but I've been on MN long enough to see these situations play out, and she's absolutely right.

Woodlandwitch · 29/08/2019 10:23

I would love DH to go part time but he doesn’t seem to want to.
To both do 4 days a week would be perfect in my eyes but he would rather me do 3 and him do 5.
Maybe that will change

augustagain · 29/08/2019 10:27

He keeps telling me that I should go back to work full time so he doesn't miss out on so much with our child as he did with his previous children

Agree with pp saying you should BOTH be P/T.

Why should you miss out on time with your first child because of something that happened to him before he even met you? Confused

augustagain · 29/08/2019 10:28

I don't like his assumption that you have to make up for the situation with his ex

^ This.

TheCatsACunt · 29/08/2019 10:41

Wow, he must have an amazing income to be able to afford 3 children and a mortgage on a part time wage.

He’s very clearly putting you in your place here- he expects you to prioritise his needs over your own. You’re very firmly in 5th place here, after him and the three children.

If you were my sister, I’d be encouraging you to keep working full time. I know you say that you have the house etc sorted legally, but I can’t understand why you would risk damaging your earnings and pension when you’re on a relationship that doesn’t sound entirely stable.