MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

“You may love your in laws, or hate them.

There is no middle ground”
Apart from me. I always say that I am on cordial terms with mine but we don’t like each other very much.

Never, Ever, Even THINK about starting a thread about a safe. Never.

Be warned. Your very life will be threatened. Trust me. I'm still in recovery.

Explain that you've set up a new ID in order to not be outed, then tell a generic story that has happened to most people

Regarding Childbirth

If you've just endured a five-day induction which has ended with a traumatic forceps delivery (including a massive episiotomy with countless stitches) and it so happens that your SIL's wedding is the next day, you are not entitled to miss the wedding.

You must go to the wedding, despite your exhaustion and pain. You've only had a baby after all.

The same applies if your SILs hen-night occurs five days after this delivery.

You must attend. Never mind that you're bleeding heavily and cannot sit down - and your baby is cluster-feeding.

Too bad. Giving birth doesn't entitle you to miss anything your unfortunate SIL has arranged for her delectation.

On the other hand, if you're the SIL, and you post about your brother's wife who wants to miss your wedding on the grounds that she's just had a baby after a terrible labour and delivery, then you're a selfish bitch.

You shouldn't expect a woman who has grown a human and is bleeding heavily and cluster-feeding to either attend your hen-night or wedding.

F you’re never sure what to say, to want to contribute something witty. Just post “Cancel the cheque”. Never fails to amuse.

If you require complex legal advice about anything at all, the best place to get it is not your highly-qualified solicitor.

Ask the women of MN for their opinions instead.

More MN Irregular Verbs

I would never per antlers mutilate my child, she was born perfect and I feel no need to adorn her.
You would get their ears pierced at a licensed piercer at any age above 14.
She pierces her babies ears at 6 days old in the window at Claire’s

Permanently....not per antlers

Children must be supervised at all times until well into their teens, but as soon as they hit 18 yabu if you are still financially supporting them.

You mustn't eat too much or too little.
You mustn't drink too much or too little.
You mustn't clean too much or too little.

Do not mention hen nights, piercing babies' ears or going clubbing as these are the activities of reckless chavs.

MN does not welcome chavs in any shape or form. Similarly, if yo work in the city, do not mention it.

You are stealth-boasting. This is not permitted.

You should sack your nanny if she dares to take a brief lavatory break, leaving your DC unsupervised.

Or reads a book whilst one child is asleep, and the other happily playing in the same room as them...

If you are overweight (on MN this is heavier than 8 st or more than a size 8) you need to go on the Fast 800 diet.

For the rest of your life.

Everyone aged 60 and up voted Brexit, beat their children to an inch of their lives, is racist, reads the Daily Mail, voted Tory and doesn't give a stuff about 'the planet' etc etc. They should never be allowed within 50 miles of a 'newborn'.
A woman is never a new mother she is a 'post partum woman' which is the highest status any one of us can hope to achieve.

Do not have more than one car per household, even if you live in a rural village with no public transport. You should car share, cycle or walk hundreds of miles to the nearest train station. Think of the planet!

Oh and Baby Showers. Vile, grabby and American. As are gender reveals. Equally as tacky.

“u should car share, cycle or walk hundreds of miles to the nearest train station.”

While simultaneously never giving or accepting a lift. Of all the bizarre things about Mumsnet the attitude to lifts is the bizarrest.

Never allow your DC to disturb anyone on a plane. It is incredibly selfish of you.

And never complain about children making a noise on a plane. They are only children after all.

At no point should your restrained Andy perfectly safe childrenbe left in a car whilst you pay for petrol. You should either
a) use pay at pump only, and drive an extra 30 miles to find pay at pump, so as to avoid leaving them in the car unwatched for more than the 3 seconds it takes you to do the pump stuff
b) if you are unable to use pay at pump. You must fill your car. Then release your toddling child, unplug your sleeping baby, waddle them across the 20pump forecourt, dodging the cars pulling in an out, bundle them into the shop, have them wait in the queue, pay, then shepherd them back across the forecourt, keeping an eye out for cars, Lorrie, bikes etc.... wrestle them back into the car and drive off, smugly knowing that had you left them restrained, inside a locked car with no keys, that you prevented the following things from happening: 1) your children weren’t trapped inside when your car spontaneously exploded, as is always happening to stationary cars in forecourts. 2) prevented your children from being kidnapped, in a car with no keys, as is always happening in petrol forecourts in the uk 3) you standing and staring helplessly as your car rolls away, and onto oncoming motorway traffic, as you stare transfixed at the grin on your toddlers face in the rear view mirror, as they managed to escape their car seat, Hotwire your car, realise the handbrake, put the car into gear, and zoom off merrily.... as is often reported in the media.

You must not be pleased and excited to be invited to a wedding. Instead you must spend time with your own little family and exclude everyone else - unless you want something of course in which case you should be able to demand it.

If you don't work for whatever reason you are far more superior to those of us who are wage slaves. Especially those who are accused of having very important jobs. These people are generally commuters on miserable packed stinking trains in the morning when your free spirited child is practising for the national Town Crier competition.

You must also spend hours "researching" googling and doing household "admin".

I’m a newbie (is that phrase allowed?) here and this thread is brilliant.

I’m not sure that I want to stick around here reading some of the posts but I may well do so just for the shits and giggles (is that allowed?)

Whatever, you are all a bunch of contradictory loons (no offence to non contradictory loons, of course..)

@BuzzShitbagBobbly what's wrong with @-ing?!

Melanie be prepared for a good flaming, specially if you venture on AIBU. It's a right of passage for all new MN-ers.

In fact, Melanie, are you on glue/crack? Don't you realise that no is a complete sentence and that you should have cancelled the cheque? Nethuns is that way ->

Congratulations, you are now a fully fledged MN-er.

The OP should avoid outing oneself by saying things like "I live in a coastal town" and "I work in the health sector" and then state their problem "the shoes I have to wear to work are not suitable for walking on the beach" and I only have a very small handbag".

PP 1 will suggest you take a spare pair of shoes to work with you
PP 2 will suggest you take a rucksack to carry your spare shoes
PP 3 will say "Is it Brighton OP?"

OP will then admit yes it is Brighton

PP4 will say can't you wear trainers to work

OP will say no, there is a dress code as part of the uniform

PP5 will say are you an occupational therapist

OP will then admit yes they are an occupational therapist

PP6 will say that they themselves are an occupational therapist and they can wear trainers

OP will say they have to wear white shoes as it is a private practice and there is a uniform

PP7 will ask if it is the private practice near the clocktower

@FermatsTheorem I said no to Netmums then cancelled the cheque and when that didn’t work I started sniffing glue.

I feel at home here.