MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

Completely misunderstand Clare's Law and suggest it be requested for every Tom, Dick and Harry you happen to match with on tinder

Never admit to lying about your age on OLD

managedmis Tue 20-Aug-19 12:39:49

Call yourself Dr.

I got it half right then...

Your 86 year-old disabled neighbour hobbles to your house, aided by her Zimmer frame. Her DH (92) has had a massive heart attack and she is pleading for a lift to the hospital. You take her. All good (So far.)

She asks for another lift the next day.

This is Cheeky Fuckery of the highest order and you must immediately institute legal proceedings to recoup your petrol costs.

You should also name and shame her on your local FB page.

If you suspect your husband of cheating you must look through his phone and post all the suspect messages you discover on your thread.

You should, of course, LTB.

However you are not entitled to look through your husband's phone as this is a gross invasion of his privacy.

You are therefore the kind of wife who doesn't deserve such a good husband, regardless of the fact that he is shagging three other women at the office.

If you are/have been the OW expect to be flamed, even if the affair happened twenty six years ago.

If you start a thread about a devastating event, expect to see a hundred and six messages complaining that you haven't updated your thread while you were in the process of being devastated.

It is your bounden duty to update your thread frequently, no matter how terribly upset you are.

This maxim applies particularly if you've started a thread about severe acute abdominal pain and have ended up in hospital.

Even while you're in the anaesthetic room being prepared for a crash laparotomy you must update your thread as many MNetters have posted and wish to know the precise nature of your anaesthetic procedure and recovery in the Intensive Care Unit.

If you think the Royal Family boost tourism in the UK for God's sake keep quiet about it.

You do not have a job.

You have a role.

All MNetters in paid employment have roles.

Never forget this.

As a woman you are entitled to snoop through your husbands phone, email, personal belongings whenever he speaks to another woman. You are then expected to photocopy everything, get your ducks in a row. Start filling a storage locker full of things bought on his credit card and the leave the bastard.

If you are a man snooping through your wife's phone then you are controlling and abusive and she should get her ducks in a row blah blah blah

If you have a minor problem, e.g your neighbour's tree slightly overhangs your garden, you should not pop round and have a quick chat. You should instead send a convoluted text of pained pseudo legalese
Dear Bill. Whilst perambulating in a southerly direction I became aware of an issue viz, your acacia bush depositing petals in my designated environs. I request that the tree heretofore mentioned (henceforth known as "the offending arboreal" be pruned or otherwise truncated by 12 noon or I shall be obliged to take further steps to ameliorate the situation. Yours sincerely Brenda

Nest of vipers is a compliment.

if you need a handhold, say just that. You will get it, in spades. Until you don't need it. That's not a funny one, but it is true, and for that I'm oh so grateful.

That letter reminds me - henceforth you are required to text or email all you friends and family similarly formal and convoluted messages. Especially if your mother in law looked at your child without your permission.

If your MIL is rooting around in your bedroom on the quiet, the hilarious solution is always to leave lots of lube, dildos and kinky knickers strewn around the next time she is due. Teehee!

Yes to spa days being a cure for all woes, for it is a truth universally acknowledged that all ladies love to sit around in humid environments listening to whale song music, wearing fluffy gowns and too big slippers with cucumber slices on our eyes. Bonus points for consuming Prosecco at some point during this treat.

Your mother broke into your house, skinned your cat and left it simmering in a pan on top of the stove, and spray painted "Die cunts! Die!" on the kitchen wall? - Well User21594 would like to point out that her mother died 8 months ago and she would give anything to have just a few more hours with her, so you should count your blessings.

Similarly, if you complain when your MIL puts your DD1´s name down for a school down her street but 40 minutes from your house without telling you, insists on being known as Mama and demands you express so her "grandbaby" can have sleepovers with her from being newborn, then you are ungrateful because User21494´s in-laws have never shown any interest in her DC and she would happily swap with you.

@LightDrizzle brilliant

Please note, you/ your husband/your child/your dog have not projectile vomited. Yes, you/they may have made a mess but projectile vomiting is actually quite rare and usually occurs as a result of one or two specific medical conditions. Which you/they are unlikely to have. Not impossible, but unlikely.

Remember, your DH/DP does his hobby and your DCs do activities. Never ever, on pain of death say what these hobbies/activities are as they could be ‘outing’. Never mind the fact that there are thousands of cyclists and learners of the violin/piano in the UK.

For the love all things Sacred. What on earth is the naive ham and Pom bears reference. I’ve been here almost 3 years and Don’t have a clue.🤷🏻‍♀️

Awwlook

naice ham is in reference to a handwritten list in a supermarket trolley that someone found - the person had written naice ham (as opposed to fake-looking bright pink ham?)

pom-bears is in reference to a dinner party where the host had a bowl of pombears for nibbles and IIRC, lots of other rather weird dishes for dinner

If you post anything crazy going on in your RL, you know, the kind you might need help with prepare to be flamed, called a troll and have your entire personality completely decimated by 3 or 4 posters while the rest attempt to actually give advice

A long time ago for me and several name changes later, this is still witnessed regularly. Made me leave MN for YEARS! Am sure people still assume that was a troll thread .

Vipers we are, but very useful ones, mostly.

oh I found it - it was the MNer who had the pombears at the "revenge" dinner party

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1056940-to-think-this-couple-are-bonkers

Even if you admit that YABU by the end of page one of your AIBU thread, posters will continue to pile on for another thirty pages telling you that YABU. If you have stopped reading by the end of page ten because you can't hack the abuse lots of posters will be very indignant that "the OP has disappeared" and not admitted the error of their ways.

You don't simply get an ambulance to hospital, you are "blue lighted."

Trigger warnings.. much?

Never admit to being a SAHW, you will get slaughtered for sponging off your hard working husband and your are nothing better than a prostitute.