MN Beginners Guide.

[SeaSaltandLime]

• A isn't a good thing.
• You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
• If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.

If that object is moving, you must poke it.

• You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
• Any parking threads must include a diagram.
• Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
• You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

If you have already consulted a solicitor and didn't like what they told you, you must post in legal, then ignore all the advice from legally qualified mumsnetters because you don't like that either and instead listen to unqualified mumsnetters because that is what you want to hear

^ preferably if the solicitor was free for 30 minutes.

there's a good deal of recipes explained on here that sound completely unappetizing, some quite grim.

But organic/from scratch/healthy/home-made.

The solicitor has unlimited 30 minute periods that they can work for free
This is why lawyers work long hours for little money (yes we actually do, the one letter you get in no way implies the amount of work that has been involved on your file)

When discussing those Bolognese recipes it's always a bonus to mention how you still put wine in it even when dcs were blw.

All recipes involving mince must have a handful of lentils chucked in. The chucking is important. Your teenage children who are fruit bats will inhale this food, but if you are over a size 8 you will gobble it and stuff your face.

If you dare to make a comment on a thread that is different to the agreed line (ie LTB he's cheating) you must be prepared to be insulted, told to leave the thread and possibly have your gender changed.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum

If your posting about the most horrendous situation you must check, double check and have it proof read by an Oxbridge Don for any grammar errors

This is true. You must not confuse "your" with "you're" or say "grammar" when you should have said "grammatical".

Some people only read posts with the intention of correcting them.

On a thread which has many, many excellent quotes, the above is among my favourites.

That occurred to me when the CF next door asked for a lift to the hospital. Well, I may have been driving past it but slowing down the car to kick her out might have woken the Ddddddddc.

Have I mentioned the umpteen times D Cs?
The spirited and lively (in no way brattish) ones? I breastfed one until they were 22 and FF the other and spat: "Fed is best!" at anyone eyeing up the bottle.

Anyway, I was thinking about how to LTB...

Have I mentioned TB?

He worked full time at the same job that I worked part time at. And expected me to do anything other than gazing at the DDDC adoringly.
Me! A new mother! (Not very new now, but still! Tut!).

Right, so...

I'd kicked 92 year old CF NDN out of the car (otherwise I'd have had to park somewhere. Which would have caused problems. And required a diagram) and went off to buy a chicken from Waitrose/Aldi/Lidl.

No other supermarkets are available.

I made sure not to buy a Daily Mail (which I never read but somehow absorb all the content).
I did notice the headline about the royal family (who I hate. Except for Meghan - and now Harry - who can do no wrong. Only racists don't like them).

I bought lots of gin and Prosecco. But won't drink them because that would mean I'm an alcoholic.
Unfortunately, I lost my list so have a nasty feeling that the ham I bought wasn't naice.
Balonz won't eat it. I'll have to stuff him full of Pom Bears instead.
Luckily, he's 7 foot 8 and weighs 2 stone. And inhales food.
I do worry about his lungs..

Unlike the other one who's 13 stone and is 8 inches tall. And people have been unkind enough to call her fat!

Ah, yes. I use stones, feet and inches.
Just to show I'm not a whining remainder (I liked that typo too).
But I'm not a Brexiteer either. I will be when I turn 60.

So, while I was driving past the local school (ooh! Must remember to pop in to complain that the teachers won't look after Balonz and the other Dc during the summer because they're not educators but childcare; however, mustn't ask which other job has that many holidays. Because they're not "holidays". For some reason) I thought: Must post on MN.

No particular reason. Just wanted to call on any doctors/lawyers/people with "line eyes"...

I feel I've settled in here.

PS

TB's mother is an absolute nightmare.
And my time is far more important than yours so obviously I haven't RTFT.

Don’t dare say your birth was easy. Every one on MN has a traumatic birth.

Actually the attitude to takeaways on here is quite strange. Everyone spends all their time cooking from scratch and competing about how healthy and organic and authentic it lis but if anyone on a Friday night asks "what should I have from the Chinese takeaway?" there are hundreds of responses with suggestions and people saying "thanks OP I'm going to get a Chinese now too".

I had two fairly unremarkable births so I don't really mention them. I think people who had difficult births will post more.

Always claim that lunchboxes made for children consist of the following (all organic) items:
Whole meal pitta, sliced into fingers, spread with hummus
6 grapes, halved
Some grilled chicken breast

....and that's all a kid needs all day

That's interesting Sparkling as I had two potentially lethal emergency sections and never posted at the time about details as I felt my situation was unusual amongst all the wonderful pain relief free NCT water births etc .

I did however have some wonderful support when I had miscarriages in between and just couldn't talk about it in RL.

@LadyOfTheFlowers

Grapes? You mean sugar bombs

You must always refer to vegetables as 'veggies' and every meal should be accompanied by 'loads of' them.

Surely you would mention your births if you thought it would help someone that went through similar @HollysTeflonSeptum.

“Don’t dare say your birth was easy. Every one on MN has a traumatic birth.”
Or that you were capable of doing more than weeping and leaking for the first 3 months post partum

And whatever you do, don’t post anything positive about breast feeding.

And salads are always huge.

That’s true but It took me quite a while to read those topics again without reliving it.

Actually whatever you feed your kids will he criticised. Fruit? Too much sugar. Pasta with veggie sauce and grated cheese? Too many carbs, not enough protein. Chicken nuggets and chips? Don't even go there!

Let's not forgot that your average MNetter can only take half of a paracetamol for pain, because anymore than that will have them comatose (or gripping into the bed for dear life) for a week.

That's without starting on the fatal addictiveness of ibuprofen.

Probably best to not post about breasfeeding at all TBF, positive, negative or anything inbetween. It always ends the same. Every. Single. Thread.

People who found it easy don't understand when others struggle and the ones struggling can't imagine what it's like to find it a breeze.

Don't ever suggest that your husband is equal in child rearing and housework, because mine was a lazy slob and you should LTB just in case because he'll probably have an affair at some point anyway

Haha yes @00100001 , of course!

Don't ever mention squash either.
Or that you found breastfeeding quite straightforward actually.
Or that you had a natural birth and God forbid, a 'textbook' pregnancy.
Or that you have a tattoo or a piercing and it doesn't affect your ability to do your job or parent adequately.
Or the holy grail of all cat's bum lippage.... STEP PARENTING ISN'T A WALK IN THE PARK!
Ooooooh no, NEVER say anything along those lines. Then you are the evilest bitch ever to walk the Earth!

It's all about context isn't it. In reality on MN you can actually say the things on LadyOfTheFlower's list as long as you word it right and don't be a knob about it.

In the words of Fun Boy Three and Bananarama 'It Ain't What You Do' (It's the Way That You Do It) o rsay in this case.

If you found something straightforward you might go on to say what helped you maybe?