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MN Beginners Guide.

548 replies

SeaSaltandLime · 19/08/2019 22:52

  • A Biscuit isn't a good thing.
  • You must RTFT (read the full thread) before commenting.
  • If you find an unidentifiable object in your home, you must lick it.
If that object is moving, you must poke it.
  • You can bookmark and save threads. Placemarking and littering (I.e putting . on a thread) is not necessary.
  • Any parking threads must include a diagram.
  • Adding a 'fuck you daily mail' disclaimer to your thread will do fuck all.
  • You do not need to prove your MN worthiness after a name change by including old 'classic' thread themes (naice ham, Pom Bears..) It's not necessary.

Anymore to add?

OP posts:
Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:25

On pain of death (quite literally), do not, for the love of God and all things holy, dare to even consider calling an ambulance. Get a taxi.
Better still go to the pharmacy in the morning.

However.........
If you've been bleeding heavily (as is usual for you during your periods) and you're just having a moan, be prepared for GO TO A&E NOW. Call an ambulance. x 200. Somebody once almost died on MN from just this.
Don't DARE to come back to say that your bleeding has eased and isn't that bad now.
You have just IGNORED 200 people telling you what to do.
Wisest course of action in this case is to update that you're in A&E now. Even though you're having a glass of wine and munching happily on chocolates.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:26

Have you called that ambulance yet?

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:26

I hope the OP is on her way to A&E

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:27

Any update OP?

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/08/2019 13:27

OP was a troll.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:28

Don't ever dare to mention that Social Services are involved with your family. There CLEARLY MUST BE A BACK STORY. SS are so overwhelmed with cases, they NEVER EVER get involved due to spurious malicious reports.

RedForShort · 21/08/2019 13:30

You probably aren't the bra size you think you are
Without doubt. You band is smaller and cup size bigger. Average bra size of MN is 32FF (which isn't big, another rookie mistake).

Ok, not really but I only read up to this comment before I posted aka did not RTFT.

Though in all seriousness the one most important thing is for every confirmed bias one MN user has, there will be a MN user with a totally opposing confirmed bias. Such as:

Never mention you breastfeed v never mention you bottle feed

You can't mention you're a SAHM because... v you can't mention you're a working mum because...

You have to be proud that you're neglectful parent v you've to be proud to be a controlling helicopter parent

You must only drink a thimble of sherry every second Christmas, and be uptight about anyone drinking more. Anyone who has two drinks a year is an alcoholic v you must drink at least two bottles of wine a night and not believe anyone is drinks less. People who don't drink are judgemental and boring.

And so on.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:34

If you've had a bust up with a rude cunt in a supermarket beside the watermelons and after severe provocation finally gave in and told said walking cunt to FUCK OFF.

Well........ you're both as bad as each other.
You were both incredibly rude.
You deserved it.
I suspect there's more to this story.
Neither of you covered yourselves in glory there.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:37

Complain about the NHS?

Hahahahahahaha. Good luck with that. No advice can suffice here apart from DON'T FUCKING DO IT. You will be eaten alive.
Followed by a few token nurses/doctors who will come on to lament 'this is why I'm considering leaving nursing/medicine'. They add serious gravitas to the argument and you will hang your head in shame. You will be sorry you were ever born, let alone that you started the thread.

Drogosnextwife · 21/08/2019 13:39

No matter how utterly shit you are lookingor feeling, stick on a bit of red lippy (which apparently suits everyone), and a pair of sunglasses and you will be instantly transformed into a glamorous, classy goddess.

raviolidreaming · 21/08/2019 13:48

Your DH is not your mother; so you are being odd and sound like hard work if you thought he might have bought you a card for your first Mother's Day. Don't even bother drip feeding about your birth injuries / sleep deprivation because that you will get you diagnosed with PND.

Biscusting · 21/08/2019 13:49

Fish fingers, chips and peas

Mumsnet = junk food (consumption also akin to smoking)

Real world = acceptable meal for a child.

Drogosnextwife · 21/08/2019 13:52

Teachers are never ever in the wrong, or being unreasonable. It's because they are under so much stress looking after all your cheeky ungreatful demon children.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 13:58

Also - it's worth signing up to the Feminism board to profess your loathing of transgender females. You can not (repeat NOT) change your sex, therefore, they are simply men dressed as women and are to be feared and hated in equal measure.
If you happen to unwittingly venture into a debate on transwomen, do not dare to confess that you agree with rights for trans women on the basis of their gender. You will be denounced as a troll, a TRA (Trans Rights Activist) and will be reminded that you CAN NOT CHANGE YOUR SEX. You obviously haven't a thinking brain of your own and have come on here with the dreaded accusation........... AN AGENDA.

Bowsy5 · 21/08/2019 14:01

If you start a thread which turns out to be controversial to the general MN populus, (what makes a thread controversial could be anything - so wisest just not to start a thread), then you are a troll and every comment you've ever made on MN will be trawled through, examined and posted as PROOF that you're a troll with the dreaded AGENDA.

Ginderella11 · 21/08/2019 14:03

If you post on a thread and one, ONE poster misquotes you because they got the comlpletely wrong end of stick with what you were trying to get across, be prepared for future posters to respond to that poster’s response because they didn’t bother reading yours first.

Also then do not dare try and defend your post for the love of God, or you will be accused of making yourself look like “a prick” Learnt my lesson here...Grin

Propertyofhood · 21/08/2019 14:20

Breakfast cereals of any kind are not a suitable breakfast food.

I believe the correct term is that cereal is 'shit in a box'.

Even if you are trying to get 3 kids and yourself out the door by 7:30am, breakfast must involve some form of cooking, whether that be eggs, porridge or pancakes (toast doesn't count of course). Everyone has time for this.

nononever · 21/08/2019 14:33

If you start a thread which turns out to be controversial to the general MN populus, (what makes a thread controversial could be anything - so wisest just not to start a thread), then you are a troll and every comment you've ever made on MN will be trawled through, examined and posted as PROOF that you're a troll with the dreaded AGENDA.

Just this second read a reply to an OP ending in 'unless you are a troll'. It was a thread about a dress sheesh.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2019 15:28

If you let your toddlers watch any TV then you should report yourself to social services for neglecting them.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2019 15:32

If you start a thread and anyone claims you're unreasonable then you can say you have anxiety to excuse yourself

If anyone has any slightly eccentric habits then they must be autistic

chemenger · 21/08/2019 15:42

I find the education threads weirdly fascinating, but I am surprised at how much personal information is shared about the posters children. Grades, health issues, friendship issues, university destinations, which specific hall of residence they are in etc. Some of the posters and their children are easily identifiable, I often wonder if the kids in question know how much info is being shared about them on an open forum.

This is very true, I know a few people on he higher ed. board have worked out who I am, which doesn’t worry me. However, there was one thread last year which would have totally allowed me to work out the identity of a vulnerable student, if they had been in my department. I showed it to DD, who works in another part of the university and she instantly knew exactly who it was. Not really a problem but there was some not very fair criticism of DD’s part of the organisation, which not everyone might have laughed off.

To get back to beginners rules - if you have worked in a U.K. university for nearly 30 years just accept that any parent of a student understands UCAS and everything else about universities better than you. If you do venture any advice be prepared to be told you are a liar for suggesting that not all universities do everything the same way. Similarly, don’t try to explain that things have changed since people in their 40’s were students, again you’re lying.

chemenger · 21/08/2019 15:45

Never admit you play golf, or, worse, allow your husband to do so.

hughwhatascorcher · 21/08/2019 15:45

If you receive any sort of summons invitation which explicitly states no gifts, you must immediately ask MN what sort of gift would be appropriate.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 21/08/2019 15:56

Never confess to speeding, even if you were rushing a very sick child to hospital (see also "asking MN whether or not to go to A & E)

And if you do and you got a court date - it was your own fault.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2019 15:58

Any misbehaving child isn't just a little shithead, they probably have sen so you're a bad person for criticising them

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